“A federal agency has cancelled a $117,000 grant that was set to go to the Emily Dickinson Museum.” — MassLive
Dear Miss Dickinson,
Following a routine audit of publicly funded projects for ideological alignment, your grant for digitizing a newly cataloged collection of your writing has been selected for termination. You will not be receiving the $117,000 allotted by the previous administration.
We understand this may be disappointing. However, voters sent a clear message: budget belt-tightening is a top priority. Anything not reflecting our current values is subject to re-evaluation.
And frankly, we don’t care much for your poetry.
We’re not required to elaborate—but in the interest of transparency, here’s why your work was flagged.
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! They’d banish us – you know!
This poem reads as a thinly veiled defense of undocumented immigrants. Recall that these people sneak across borders and take pork plant jobs from veterans, threatening access to quality American food products.
We are left wondering why you oppose sandwich-based patriotism.
Also, be advised that we’re monitoring the em dashes, as they appear to be coded signals potentially indicative of subversive coordination.
Then there’s this:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
We suspect this is a call for Barack Hussein Obama to seek another term. You might want to run that by the Constitution, as only one president is eligible for thirdsies.
And, just because we’re curious: “never stops” what, exactly? Narrating boring documentaries?
And:
Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
This translates as, “Losers should be compensated.” That’s not America. May we suggest, if you’re that hungry for “nectar,” consider reskilling and applying to ICE. Trade the little white dress for a crowbar.
We recommend that you refocus your writing on America and its core values.
For example, your little death poem:
I heard a Fly buzz – when I died –
The Stillness in the Room
Was like the Stillness in the Air –
Between the Heaves of Storm –
Could be revised as:
I heard an Eagle scream at dawn
And Fife kept time with Drum
While Stars and Stripes marched hand in hand
And Freedom banged a gong.
Whichever approach you choose, your grant has been rescinded.
Respectfully,
DOGE
P.S. Please let your neighbors at the Amherst Bee Sanctuary know that we’re tracking the waggle dancing.