There never was a Hobbit Hole quite like Bag End in all of Hobbiton a place that oftsaw the comings and goings of many of the Little Folk and Big Folk the bastards they are as time has onwardflown and kings and queens of the other lands of Middle Earth have died and been barrowburied since the dawn of Man upon these soils but even so there have been no bigger bastards to tromp up to Bilbo’s door (for I am the current resident of Bag End) than the Sackville Bagginses surely as they have brought most pain upon my brain that is until thirteen dwarves unwashed and unkempt knocked and quickentered sweeping multi-colored hoods of their furry faces and eating all of my damnable food which I have hoarded like a dragon (as all Little Folk do) for many a day week month year and Gandalf with his stiffwood staff and gnarled robes and own furry quality inswept and swept me away to the mountains and trolls and dwarves how I wish I could have stayed home and found no trouble but trouble nay adventure certainly found me it did damned Sackvilles always after my booty

- - -


Wood creaking surrounded by wood.
Good Beorning!
Rrrreeeeeeeeeek crrreeeeeeeeekth.
Bees, buzzing bees within hives honeyed.
Danger at night, stay inside.
A roar, breathy.
Boom. Broom throoooom!
Bearded delight, kind eyes, wildling.
Bristled, biting, bread and buttered.
Beorn’s house. Stay inside, they muttered.
Creak. Boom. Roar.
Fire crackling, bones snapping.
A bear is about. Run! Hide!
No, better still, remain inside!
Mirkwood ahead, Misty behind.
Fur. Warmth. Warnings abound.
Thorin! Kili! Fili! The rest!
Resting. ZzzzzzzzZzzz. Snooze.

- - -


What did Bilbo see in the undercroft of the Misty Mountains?
Dark thingsss, orc bones and… stones! Yesss stones, Precioussss!
Where did the golden ring come from?
He stolesss it from the owner! Stupid fat hobbitsesss! Thieving rat!
Where was Gandalf during the predescribed events?
Gandalf? Who… who Gandalf?!
Why did Bilbo keep the ring?
He wantsss to hurt the Preciousss. Steals it from us and runsss off like a stinking thief!
With what riddle did Bilbo win the riddle competition?
What has it gotsss in its pocket!? What has it gots in its stinking pocket? Gollum! Gollum!

- - -


(At the gates of Erebor where crumbling stone has been fused to create a barricade against the Angry Lake Men. The Thirteen Dwarves stand atop the parapets and bastions. The Arkenstone rests with Thorin Oakenshield.)

BILBO: They have found us and will surely overrun us.


Ye have been found,
Will be overwhelmed,
Like a deer in hunt,
Dwarves we will punt.

(Thorin shakes his meaty fist.)

THORIN: Greedy Men, we will not so easily turn over even a middling ounce of gold or treasure to you. This is rightfully mine.

BARD: Nice try, furry-faced fiend! You have released a dragon upon Lake Town, hence our unbridled rage. The Mountain owes us pittance and payment for our sufferings!

(Thorin froths and jerks around like a man possessed with greed. His eyes are bloodshot. The Dwarf king’s spittle dribbles down the cracked facade. The Angry Lakemen Men’s Chorus disperses with their sheets of music in hand.)

THORIN: (Gabbling.) Grableduskt!

BARD: O. He is mad.