When I came across Flutes Forever, I thought, “Really? Another flute podcast? Fuck me. What could this new show do that my show, Fluting Today, doesn’t do already?” A show with its pulse on the international flute scene? Check. A show covering all the advances in playing techniques? Check. Extensive coverage of new flutes? Check. Advice for overcoming injuries? Check. Detailed reviews of new flute recordings. Check. Sorry, but there is nothing left.

I mean, haven’t you heard? It’s peak podcast, dipshit, and the world doesn’t need another flute podcast. Clearly, you have not listened to my show or its extensive archives. How else to explain your delusions of grandeur? You need to shut it down and go back to teaching your neighbor’s snotty kids.

Hey, you know what I’m talking about on my next podcast? Sucky flute podcasts. Before we get to yours — a three-episode exploration of your train wreck — I am going to expose that flute fraudster, Mark, and his piece of shit show, The International Flautist. Flautist? Who does he think he is? And that accent? British, my ass. Plus that hack could never stay in tune. Remember, the “incident” at the Youth Orchestra back in ‘90? It was all Mark. Always flat. Always.

I have an idea for you: how about a show about failing flute instructors? That would be perfect for you. You could talk about all the auditions you botched. Like the one at the New Hampshire Regionals in high school. Man, did you choke. Or how about that college recital where you forgot to bring your flute. Who could forget that? Ha-ha. Now those stories would make for a great podcast. Flute Failures for Losers. Even I would listen to that.

I don’t know what your endgame here is, but I will outlast you. Unlike you, I am in this podcast game 150 percent. And what do you know about podcast dedication anyways, you with your employed spouse and happy, well-adjusted kid? Did you spend $5000 that you didn’t have on a home recording studio? Nope. Did you read all those library books on podcasting? I doubt it. Do you spend 8-10 hours a day editing your podcast and when your done spend the rest of your free time thinking of new features for your dedicated audience? Most definitely not. I had Jeff, my unpaid intern, snoop around your house. He confirms that you still record in your laundry room with that $20 microphone. Pure amateurism, just like your flute playing.

And how long will your partner support your silly hobby? I have got the local sponsorships locked in until 2025. Mel’s Music House. Done. AAA Dry Cleaners. Done. Roger’s Vape Lounge. Don’t even try. Those businesses recognize a quality venue to advertise in, and they see right through your fly-by-night operation. Plus, I get free dry cleaning and vape cartridges for a year. Blow that out your $100 flute.

Sitting here in my cozy home studio, editing another masterful episode — a devastating takedown of James Galway’s recording career­ — I am perfectly positioned to watch you podfade into oblivion. Listening to your last show, I distinctly hear the sound of desperation. No, wait, that’s just the sound of your son practicing.

The lesson is clear: you need to pack up your crappy operation and get some real instruction for your flute-challenged progeny. Leave the podcasting to the pros. Now that my spouse and that nightmare Yorkshire Terrier have left for good (that little shit ruined some of my best shows), Jeff and I can final have the peace and quiet necessary for making more of the best show about flutes on the web. Yes, I may be a lonely 40-something who has alienated everyone in his life (except Jeff, my loyal servant!), but I make quality podcasts about flutes and that is enough for me.