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Articles by
Matthew Brian Cohen
Matthew Brian Cohen’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Weekend Update, The Onion, College Humor, and more. He runs the humor magazine, Janice.
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April 22, 2022This City Pledges to Be Carbon-Neutral by the Time It’s Too Late
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February 15, 2022Enough With the Hygiene Theater. I Want to Take a Shit Without Washing My Hands
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January 11, 2022The Safest Place for Your Kids Right Now Is Inside the Scorpion Pit
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January 13, 2021This Might Be The Most Disgusting Fuddruckers of All Time, But It’s Just Not Who We Are
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November 10, 2020It’s Time to Bring the Country Together and Let Republicans Get Away with Crimes Again
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March 26, 2020As Bad As the COVID-19 Crisis Is Now, Life Will Eventually Go Back to Being Normal-Bad Again
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February 10, 2020America Must Not Become Socialist, Lest We Abandon What Makes Our Country Awful
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January 7, 2020The Case For War, By Someone Whose Kids Won’t Die Fighting In It
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August 21, 2019Summary of Benefits and Coverage For Your New Garbage Health Insurance
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June 14, 2019I Don’t Actually Have to Sell This War With Iran, Do I?
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April 17, 2019Put Aside Your Purity Politics and Embrace My Feckless Centrism
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March 5, 2019I Support Strong Women of Color Unless They Are Politically to My Left
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May 13, 2022Ten Possibilities the Applebee’s Waitress Considers Before It Occurs to Her the Women in Booth Fourteen Might Be a Couple with Two Children
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November 13, 2018If People Talked to Other Professionals the Way They Talk to Teachers
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May 18, 2022A Passenger’s One-Star Review of the Trolley Ride from the Trolley Problem
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May 2, 2022Welcome to the Middle-Aged Restaurant. Please Stop Complaining
Recently
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May 20, 2022How Oizys, Greek Goddess of Misery, Spends Her Sundays
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May 20, 2022My Prediction That Political Attacks Against Me Will Escalate Has Nothing to Do With Me Exposing Myself to a Flight Attendant
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May 20, 2022Diseases All Woodmont Alumni from 1971 to 2021 Should Immediately Be Screened For
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May 20, 2022Babies Need to Pull Themselves Up by Their Tiny Bootstraps