The Music Man

He logged more than 50 hours of detention in high school.

Les Miserables

He took inspirational school assemblies very seriously.

Phantom of the Opera

He keeps asking if Jenna will be at the reunion.

West Side Story

He can’t help you if you won’t tell him what’s wrong.

Damn Yankees

He has his grandfather’s baseball cards and his grandfather’s Playboys.

Fiddler on the Roof

He has a special name he called his grandmother.

Guys and Dolls

He has his own nickname for every member of the Rat Pack.

Jersey Boys

He and his dad have plans for that Camaro.


He and his dad have plans for that acid.


He has photos of himself on every ride at Six Flags, and he knows where they are.

Little Shop of Horrors (Movie)

He thinks Phineas and Ferb is funny.

Little Shop of Horrors (Broadway)

He thinks Hannibal is funny.

Book of Mormon

He will explain to you why something is funny.


His fingernails are creepily long.

Avenue Q

Don’t get him started on student loans.


Don’t get him started on his mom.

Sweeney Todd

Don’t get him started on anything.


He carries a tiny notebook and writes down things people said, but feels bad when he reads it.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

He has pierced his own ear at least once.


He thought about piercing his own ear once.

A Chorus Line

He’s a SoulCycle instructor, but that’s just for right now.

The Sound of Music

He doesn’t understand why people don’t spank their kids anymore.

Anything Gilbert and Sullivan

He doesn’t understand why no one asks about his SAT score anymore.

Anything Jason Robert Brown

He doesn’t understand why you don’t want to hear the story about him losing his virginity at that pre-college summer program anymore.

Anything Cole Porter

He greets people by kissing them on the cheek. He’s not European.


He calls legs “gams.”


He has used an eyeliner pencil as a regular pencil.

Bye Bye Birdie

He was in Bye Bye Birdie in high school.


He doesn’t consider himself a Republican, but…

South Pacific

He’s not racist, but…

The King and I

He is racist.


He is Stephen Schwartz.