Holy Spirit, can I see you in my office for a minute? Please, sit down. How are things, good? Good. And Brenda and the kids, they’re good too? Well let’s get down to brass tacks.

You’ve been with the Trinity a long time now — a founding member, in fact. I consider you my, well not my right hand because that’s my son, J, but easily my left hand. So as hard as this is, we’re gonna have to let you go.

Now before you say anything, let me assure you this is purely a cost-cutting measure. As you may have noticed, we’ve had some consultants poking around the Kingdom of Heaven the last few days, and they’ve helped us identify some redundancies within the godhead. Namely, you.

You’re just not pulling your weight. And to be honest, even in my boundless wisdom I’m not quite sure what it is you do around here. Take Jesus, for example: God-made flesh, my only son, prophet, died for the sins of humanity. And on top of all that, a carpenter! Now that’s quite a resume. Plus he’s got distinct strengths that complement my own. If a human being were to look upon my face, his mind would — have you seen Scanners? — it would explode like in Scanners from the sheer incomprehensibility of my infinite nature. Jesus is the handsome, sympathetic face of this organization. Now don’t be petty; it’s not just nepotism. Those miracles — water into wine, stretching that tilapia and sourdough lunch to feed 5,000 — all him.

Jesus is essential but, I hate to say it, a Holy Spirit we can do without. I hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive, but what are you even? You’re God in a non-corporeal form? Well I’ve kinda got that covered. I mean, I’m God and I’m non-corporeal, so I’m not sure what it is you add to the equation.

I dusted off your job description a few days ago just out of curiosity, and things have really fallen through the cracks. Let’s just pick a couple requirements at random:

  • Employee will compel the hearts of men to perform acts of selflessness and moral decency.
  • Employee will inspire all God’s children to seek out a personal relationship with the Lord.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate your services as an intermediary, but if you haven’t noticed, men are doing atrocious things to each other down there. War, genocide, torture. And only, like, a third of the world is Christian, so you’re not exactly closing on those conversions.

But, out of appreciation for your years of service as part of the Trinity, we’d like to offer you this plaque and a generous severance package that should help in your transition to a career that better suits your unique skill set.

Please leave your keys to the Pearly Gates with personnel on the way out. Oh, and don’t take this personally because it’s purely for liability reasons, but we will be sending the Angel Gabriel to walk you out at 4:45 this afternoon. I’m sorry if that’s embarrassing, but ever since Lucifer quit and took a bunch of Post-Its and souls with him, it’s been standard procedure.

I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors, and would be more than happy to serve as a reference. Just have your HR contact genuflect, and I’ll take it from there.