“Trump’s 41 percent approval rating is the lowest for any newly elected president at 100 days dating back at least to Dwight Eisenhower—including Trump’s own first term.” —CNN
We see the low approval ratings, yes. We understand. Our administration’s first one hundred days were the least popular in the past seventy, eighty, nine hundred years. But we just want you all to know: You can’t phase us. We were ready for this type of public reaction. Because our policies are very, very bad.
Listen, we knew it wouldn’t go over well when we intentionally tanked the global economy. And to be honest, it would have been weird if it went over well, because it wasn’t good for anybody. Not even rich people, which is how you know we’re serious about having lousy policies. So no, your little stat that voters would “rather have the Fyre Fest guy in charge of tariffs” doesn’t bug us. Not one bit.
BLAH BLAH BLAH our foreign policy strategy is underwater. No duh. I mean, our secretary of state has aged so much since taking office that he’s technically dead, so of course we’ve given up on ending either of the wars we promised to end before we came into office. We know Americans are mad about it. They should be. We expected it. And we don’t care.
Don’t insult our intelligence by telling us how many of our own voters are regretting their choices. They made a bad choice. Your focus groups mean nothing to us. When we dismantled all medical research, we expected a reaction like this. We’re completely impenetrable.
We don’t need updates on the mass protests going on outside; we anticipated them. Honestly, we’d protest too if we couldn’t get our Social Security payments.
The best offense is a good defense. We have neither, and that’s why our approval rating is in the high twenties. It’s easy to remember because it’s on the hats. Trump ’28! And honestly, that’s higher than it should be. We’ll rerun the numbers once the horrible effects of the trade war are in full swing.
And when even Laura Ingraham turned on us for letting a journalist into an illegal Signal group chat, we weren’t surprised. Not at all. In fact, if no one at Fox News had said anything, we would have stopped trusting the integrity of their journalism. We are prepared to get called out for every bad thing we do. You’d get called out, too, if you were as dumb as we are.
Did we deport people who’d committed no crimes to a torture dungeon in El Salvador because we thought it would win people over? OF COURSE NOT. That one we did by mistake. But, nonetheless, we’re not surprised people hated it. Good call, people.
Put your polls away, you can’t hurt us. Not worse than we’ve already been hurt, that is. We have 401(k)s too.
We could try to spin it, and we do. I mean, our press secretary has finally gotten a chance to use all the snappy retorts she never had the courage to use on her middle school bully. The ones she’s been rehearsing every day since. But it’s not enough, and we didn’t expect it to be. We wouldn’t have deliberately dismantled the entire American system of checks and balances if we wanted people to like us. We’re fine being hated. Because we suck.
We’re not here to make friends. We’re not here to be prom queen. We’re not here to win popularity contests. We’re here for one reason and one reason only: crypto scams. By the way—if you really want the economy to improve, invest in STPHNMLLRCOIN before 10 a.m. tomorrow.
In conclusion, we just want to be clear: We are not fools. There is literally no one in our entire administration who did not anticipate our own unpopularity. Not one person. Not ONE. Well, except maybe the president.