Sorry I’m a bit flustered. I’m actually not the person who was supposed to do the interview. She is violently ill apparently (although I suspect it’s “hangover-itis,” if you know what I mean), and I got the call this morning and just rushed on over here. I’m a little nervous (hence the sweating!) because I’m not so much a “news” reporter per se as a columnist for the Life and Style section. But we’re such a small paper, and, I mean, c’mon, you’re the Pope, we did not want to miss out on that, so here I am!

But enough about me, let’s get to the questions. Of course, Tiffany, who was supposed to do the interview, wasn’t able to give me the questions she was going to ask, so these are some questions I jotted down on an ATM receipt while I was driving over here. But it’ll be fine. This interview will have more of a spontaneous quality to it.

Oh, also, one more thing, sorry, before we start: I am a Catholic, so, just thought you should know that. I’m one of your people. Although, I guess, to be honest—because if you can’t be honest with the Pope, who can you be honest with, right?—probably “lapsed Catholic” is a better description. I’m not like Madonna, or anything, just not a Sunday Mass kind of girl. But I’m good on the commandments. Got those covered. Adultery only counts if you’re the one who’s married, right, not if only the other person is? Or, don’t answer that, right, maybe we should just start with the interview.

Oh, shi- shoot (ha-ha, caught myself!). Sorry, real quick: I meant to ask someone before I came in here, am I supposed to kiss your ring or something? What’s the protocol here? Just start? Ok, great, yes, I’ll just …

First question. And this might have been influenced by the fact that I was on my way to the gym when I got the call to do the interview, but no matter, I think it’s still of general interest: Do you work out or anything? I mean, how does the Pope stay fit? And maybe, first, because I know I personally am very curious, do you work out in the robes and the garments and all that? How does that work? Or do you just wear regular workout clothes? Like, here’s the Pope at the gym in his tracksuit! It’s just strange, that’s all. It’s an interesting image. Although, I guess I shouldn’t be thinking about that, right? It’s probably some kind of sin to be picturing the Pope naked—or not naked! Sorry, no, that came out wrong. Why did I say that? I meant in your workout clothes. I wasn’t picturing you … that way, at all. Never mind, sorry. Let’s just skip that one. It’s warm in here, right?

How about something a little safer? Um, have you seen any good movies recently? OK, sure, right, right, well, that makes sense. Hedonism, sure, I mean, who likes that? Certainly not me! So, not a big movie person, then. I’m guessing the same goes for music, then, too? No rap for you, right? … Oh my. Wow. I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to spell misogynistic. That’s OK, I’ll just look it up later.

Anyway, let’s see, what’s next? Sorry, I’m trying to read these scribbles here. OK, right, so, the next thing is, on a lighter note, what is it like for your friends and family now that you’re the Pope? Is it strange for them? What was it like when you first became the Pope, I mean, did they ever make jokes like, you’d ask them to do something, like “Hey, turn that music down, I’m trying to read the Bible here!” and they’d say “who died and made you the Pope?” And you’re like “the College of Cardinals, actually!” and have a good laugh?

No, of course, right, I don’t think Pope John Paul II’s death itself is funny, certainly. I would never … what’s that? Time’s up already? How about that. And I had some really good questions coming up.

Ok, well, thank you so much, your Excellenceness. May you live long and prosper.