“President Trump signed a list of executive actions aimed at both higher education and K-12 schools. One of the actions takes aim at college and university accreditors, organizations the White House says have ‘abused their authority by imposing discriminatory diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI)–based standards.’” — NPR
In light of the recent absolutely-not-political-at-all orders from the federal government to systematically dismantle any institutional memory of the words “diversity,” “equity,” or “inclusion” (and to replace them with something more patriotic, like “freedom of sameness”), Southwestern University for Civic Knowledge (SUCK) would like to reassure the community that it remains firmly committed to whatever version of moral clarity is currently legally advisable.
To that end, we are reviewing—not resisting, not questioning, just, you know, vigorously squinting at—the new NIH grant conditions that now require applicants to solemnly swear they have never even thought about organizing a potluck for underrepresented scientists. You may recall that we used to issue heartfelt, strategically worded statements affirming our unshakable commitment to DEI—usually right after a national tragedy or an awkward donor lunch—but please know that we are now fully prepared to replace those sentiments with constitutionally sanitized synonyms like:
- Belonging & Success™
- Institutional Culture & Climate
- Inclusive Excellence
- Viewpoint Pluralism
NOTE: Although these words sound suspiciously like DEI, they have been thoroughly vetted by a bipartisan panel of risk-averse lawyers and have been declared “non-threatening to federal grants.” In accordance with these values, we are pleased to announce that all former DEI officers have been gently reassigned to strategic visioning roles in the Office of Community Wellness Planning. Please do not ask what happened to the original DEI budget. It is now part of the General Operating Fund for Trust Maintenance and Emergency Optics.
Rest assured, the laws and regulations that protect against discrimination are well-established, and we will continue to follow them exactly as interpreted by those currently gutting them. This is not hypocrisy—it’s agile compliance.
SUCK remains fiercely opposed to the bad kind of discrimination, which we define as anything that still allows us to retain federal funding. We warmly welcome people of diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and thoughts—as long as those perspectives are not explicitly labeled as “diverse,” lest we be smited by the bureaucratic gods of budget sequestration.
Our commitment to truth-seeking remains unchanged, though the definition of truth has been restructured to align with current federal guidelines.
We urge our community to embrace this new era of synonym-based solidarity. After all, when it comes to equality, it’s not about what we do—it’s about what we rename things.
Warmly,
The Office of Institutional Linguistic Gymnastics™
(Now Featuring the Department of Strategic Rebranding and Preemptive Surrender)