I saw you this morning as you were getting your paper, gazing wistfully at that flagpole bracket like it broke your heart in junior year. You want to hang an American flag. It’s summer. Citronella. Popsicles. It’s natural to feel the tug of the stars and stripes.
But what if Craig Doherty—that lawyer for the ACLU who just moved next door—sees it while he’s walking his dog and thinks you’re a Fox News-er? Or that you’ll be yelling about Soros at block parties, or prefacing everything with “As a taxpayer…”?
I’m here to help you.
But first, I gotta bust your chops a little. You liberals made a huge strategic error when you abandoned the flag to the NRA and Facebook “Jesus moms.” Tactically naive, Bob. Symbolic real estate matters.
But relationship repair is a thing, and the flag forgives. You can fly Old Glory and still rep the Blue Dog Democrats. It’s just gonna take a little contextualizing.
Here’s how.
1. Pair your flag with a “sibling.”
The rainbow flag is a classic choice. Clear signal. The trans flag? Even better. And throw in a Union Strong banner. We’re building a visual narrative.
2. Keep a strict 1:3 flag–to–IN THIS HOUSE sign ratio.
Don’t let the flag be the loudest thing in your yard. Balance it out with WE BELIEVE… placards in multiple languages. If possible, include one handmade by a child.
3. Acquire a dummy Prius.
Doesn’t need to run. Park it in your driveway 24-7. Slap two COEXIST stickers on the bumper. Three if you’re trying to offset your pickup-truck situation.
4. Hang the flag upside down.
Add an eye-catching sign: THIS IS A DISTRESS SIGNAL—NO KINGS! Very of the moment.
5. Eugene V. Debs wind chime.
6. Get a Greenpeace fanny pack for your garden gnome.
Also consider a Bernie birdbath or a Pete Buttigieg weather vane.
7. Install a sidewalk chalkboard for real-time updates of your ActBlue donations.
Did you give $15 to an Ohio state house race? Nice. Brag about it. Patriotism is all about participation.
8. Add an open PBS umbrella to your porch setup.
Instant credibility. It says: “I have seen at least two-thirds of Ken Burns’s oeuvre.”
9. Careful: Don’t do eagles.
No eagles in flight, eagles clutching scrolls. That’s opposition branding now. If you must go birding, try a blue heron.
And if you want to pull out the (forgive the expression) big guns:
10. Build a small red, white, and blue structure labeled LIBERAL PATRIOTISM ACCOUNTABILITY ZONE.
Inside, include a pamphlet with stats on drone warfare and an invitation to confess you once clapped when a billionaire built a rocket. Add a couple of bean bags. Encourage dialogue.
There you go, Bob. Ten easy ways to fly your flag without losing face at the farm share. Let it flap above your drought-tolerant indigenous pollinator patch like a beacon of responsibly conflicted pride.
The flag belongs to all of us—left, right, Andrew Yang. You can love your country and still side-eye it. That’s real patriotism.
Now go on. Hang that flag. Beth is home from Sarah Lawrence, and it’ll distract her from my kinetic sculpture of Trump drilling in the US Botanic Garden.
And if anyone gives you a look, just point at your wind chime.