Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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March 28, 2018Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman
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February 8, 2017Monologue: I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016List: Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015List: How to Throw Like a Girl
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January 2, 2019I Don’t Hate Women Candidates — I Just Hated Hillary and Coincidentally I’m Starting to Hate Elizabeth Warren
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January 9, 2019I Used My Wife’s Vibrating Dildo to Achieve My First Prostate Orgasm and Now I’m In Narnia and I Can’t Get Back Home
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January 10, 2019List: Top Dinner Suggestions According to a Three-Year-Old’s Eating Habits
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January 14, 2019The Life-Changing Magic of Keeping Absolutely Everything