Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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February 8, 2017Monologue: I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016List: Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015List: How to Throw Like a Girl
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October 2, 2017List: Things More Heavily Regulated Than Buying a Gun in the United States
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September 22, 2017It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 16, 2017A Fair Accusation of Sexual Harassment or a Witch Hunt?
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September 25, 2017List: Everything You Know About Me, the Female Character You’re Falling in Love With in a Romantic Film/TV Show Written by a Man
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October 19, 2017The Most Accurate, Detailed Story of My Parents’ Amazing Immigrant Experience
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October 19, 2017List: Your University’s 11 Distinct Flavors of Discrimination Ranked from Mild to Salty to Extra Spicy
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October 19, 2017List: New Foundational Garments for the Average Woman
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October 19, 2017Dispatches from the Resistance: Is Bob Corker in the Resistance Now? But, On the Other Hand, Do I Care?