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Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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March 28, 2018Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman
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February 8, 2017I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015How to Throw Like a Girl
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 30, 2024Faculty, Rejoice: Gmail Can Now Translate “Deanspeak”
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 2, 2024JD Vance, a Very Normal Human Man, Sells Used Cars
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October 15, 2024Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
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October 15, 2024270 Reasons: Because They Seem to Really Like Our Country
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October 15, 2024I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me
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October 11, 2024I Wish I Went Before Mary Shelley in This Storytelling Contest