McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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March 28, 2018Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman
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February 8, 2017Monologue: I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016List: Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015List: How to Throw Like a Girl
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October 10, 2018My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”
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October 20, 2009It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 8, 2018Matreon: The Patreon Platform for Emotional Labor
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October 12, 2018I Am Sick and Tired of Constantly Being Bullied for My Extreme Wealth and Political Power
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October 18, 2018Welcome to Breastfeeding Class, Surrender All Hope
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October 18, 2018List: Fresh Middle-Ground Alternatives Between NIMBY and YIMBY
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October 18, 2018Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: Atrocities 1 to 112
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October 18, 2018Fuck You, We’re Sight Words!