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Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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March 28, 2018Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman
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February 8, 2017I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015How to Throw Like a Girl
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September 3, 2020Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-889
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September 22, 2020It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 14, 2020I Appreciate Your Concern, But Our Enormous Wedding Was Socially Distanced
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September 14, 2020I Like My Men Like I Like My… (2020 Edition)
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September 25, 2020Unfortunately, We Will Not Be Pausing the Apocalypse for Election Day
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September 24, 2020Editorial Template For Every Time a Grand Jury Acquits a Police Officer