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Articles by
Valerie Nies
Valerie Nies is a comedian, writer, and breakfast lover living in Austin, Texas. She wants a dog but is too afraid of commitment.
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March 28, 2018Email Sign-Offs Employers Will Fire You For, Especially If You Happen to Be a Woman
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February 8, 2017I, A White Female Trump Voter, Look Forward to the United States’ Impending War with Nordstrom
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July 14, 2016Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
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January 15, 2016This Judy Blume Reading is Bound to Be Packed with Hot Virile Men
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April 22, 2015How to Throw Like a Girl
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April 2, 2021The Party of Family Values Would Like to Expand the Definition of “Family” and Also of “Values”
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March 26, 2021An Excerpt from My New Anxiety Dream Where I’m Blocking the Suez Canal
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April 9, 2021An Open Letter to My Children Regarding the Commencement of Asynchronous Parenting
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April 5, 2021Brood X or Gen X?
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April 13, 2021An FAQ About Your New Birth Control: The Music of Rush
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April 13, 2021Signs Your Genetic Predisposition to Addiction Has Manifested in Crafting, Specifically in Obsessive Visits to Michaels
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April 13, 2021William Carlos Williams Tries to Reach His Word Count
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April 12, 2021Classic Video Games for Adjunct Professors