Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to email@example.com.
An Open Letter to Beyblade Metal Fusion.
BY JIM MILLER
Dear Beyblade Metal Fusion,
First of all, thanks a lot for making me think of of the Bay City Rollers, Wesley Snipes, Slipknot and Miles Davis all at the same time! I’ve got musical jambalaya in my brain and you’re not even a musical thing; you’re a product that I’ve bought for my seven-year-old for Christmas. Not an original product mind you: just spinning tops and a plastic bowl for them to spin in. I’ve purchased $0.17 worth of plastic for $22.95 on Amazon for the simple fact that tops are no longer cool unless they have a Japanese animated television program to go along with them. Awesome. It’s not bad enough that I’ve got Pokemon, Bakugan, Yu-Gi-Oh, Yogi Bear, Baron von Munchhausen, muncha-buncha-muncha-buncha-muncha-buncha-muncha-buncha fritos go with lunch, head lice, multiplication tables, Junie-B’s sketchy grammar and the endless wait for the next Poptropica island to come out to worry about, but now I’ve got to start purchasing more love à-la-plastic crap just because you fuckers have reinvented the spinning top!
But I’m not writing to complain about your stupid product, I’m writing to complain about your stupid packaging. Do you know how hard it is for a 40-year-old parent of two to find an excuse to drink? If it weren’t for hurricanes and wrapping Christmas presents, the Yeunling in my crisper would remain there untouched until the kids graduate from college and we can finally afford to purchase a fridge that was manufactured during this century. Drinking I am and like Yoda I am typing this letter because now, three beers into it I’m confronted with your stupid packaging of your stupid Beyblade Metal Fusion bowl-and-top thing that is in a not six, but an eight-sided box! Eight! What the fucking fuck? How am I supposed to wrap this thing? What am I, a… a … thing that wraps presents and drinks all the time? Can’t you just put the stupid tops and dog bowl in a normal six-sided box so that they will be just a tiny bit easier to wrap before they are torn open and the boxes used to fill our landfills? Huh? Can you?
SUGGESTED READSA Mother’s Plea
by Jim Stallard (1/27/2006)
Six Breakfast Cereals Argue Why They Should Replace Cheerios As The Preferred Finger Food For Babies
by Kate Hahn (2/21/2006)
An Art History Professor Explains to His 4-Year-Old Daughter Why the Fair Market Value of Her Picture is Actually Far Less Than That of a Thousand Words
by Ethan Ryan (4/5/2006)
RECENTLYI Produce Sex-Drenched Uptempo Club Bangers to Inspire Moms at 6 AM Boot Camp Classes
by Jenny Shank (7/25/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the People Who Decide Which Women’s Apparel Catalogs to Send Me
by Hana Schank (7/25/2014)
On the Trail of Mary Jane: Dabs, Girlz, and Restraining Orders
by Wendy C. Ortiz (7/25/2014)
POPULAROur Band Only Sold One Copy of Our Album and We’d Like it Back
by Jake Tuck (6/26/2014)
List: Lines from The Princess Bride that Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
by Jennifer Simonson (2/23/2012)
Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth
by Mike Lacher (5/30/2014)