Dear Aunt Rose Comma Thank You for the Speech Recognition Software Exclamation Point.
BY ERIC K. AULD
Dear Aunt Rose comma thank you for the speech recognition software exclamation point.
This is my first time using it comma but I think I’ve got the hang of it. How’s Uncle Bernie. No. Wait. Backspace. BACKSPACE. Question mark. Huhhhh.
Enter. How are you question mark. I’m all right. Had another big sale at the office. Faye’s oh kay. And we’ve got big news colon. Got another kid on the way. It’s pretty exciting. No Faye. I wasn’t calling you. Leave. Faye LEAVE. Thank you. Jesus.
The kids are fine. Lexie won her school’s spelling bee last week. The winning word was lahgaria. No. Lawgareah. No. HEY LEXIE. LEXIE. Forget it. She won three hundred dollars. No. Dollar sign. Three. Zero. Zero. Oh my God. Jonny’s had some trouble with his math again. Wait. Jonny with an aitch. AN AITCH.
Hello. I told you not to call me at home. I love you to baby but. Butt. No. En. Oh. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Are you still playing bingo at the senior center question mark. I bet you win big every knight. I just talked to mom yesterday. She didn’t sound well. Still has that nasty cold. ACHOO. No. That was me you stupid FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE. I’M TRYING TO SPEAK AN E MAIL. I hope Uncle Bernie gets out of the hospital soon. He wasn’t doing so great last time I heard. Sad emoticon.
Hello. Yeah. Yeah. Fifty gees. You know the drop off. So why are you calling. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S DEAD. Well you better take care of it or you’ll never see FAYE. FAYE GET OUT OF HERE FAYE. NOW. I’M SERIOUS. FINE. LET IT GET COLD. I DON’T GIVE A. FINALLY. Sorry. I’ll call you right back. Just put him on ice.
Well that’s about it for now Aunt Rose. Thank you again for the software semicolon. I no it’ll be a huge timesaver.
Enter. Love comma Steven. STEEFEN. With a pee aitch.
SUGGESTED READSI am the Orson Welles of Powerpoint
by Oyl Miller (9/16/2010)
Monologue: Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
by Justin Kahn (4/21/2005)
Retraction: There is In Fact Such a Thing as a Virus that Puts Porn on Your Computer
by Eric Hague (7/9/2010)
RECENTLYExistentialism for Millennials
by Sarah Solomon (8/3/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: You Deserve Love
by Ali Fitzgerald (8/3/2015)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Haste
by Teddy Wayne (8/3/2015)
POPULARBay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)
Nobel Prize Winner Peter Higgs Regrets Fielding Your Physics-Based Dungeons and Dragons Questions
by Mark Rooke (7/8/2015)
Toddler Discipline Made Easy
by Julie Vick (7/14/2015)