SYMPTOM: Disinterest in work
DIAGNOSIS: Head injury/Hyperthyroidism/Postpartum depression
SYMPTOM: Constantly hungry
DIAGNOSIS: Hyperglycemia/Malnutrition/Bulimia
SYMPTOM: Chronic boredom
DIAGNOSIS: Sleep apnea/Caffeine withdrawal
SYMPTOM: Urgent need to pee immediately after sitting down in a movie theater
DIAGNOSIS: UTI/Diabetes/Gonorrhea
SYMPTOM: Inability to wake up in the morning and run 5 miles no matter how many times I hit snooze
DIAGNOSIS: Depression/Schizophrenia/Broken leg
SYMPTOM: Irresistible urge to click on Facebook videos with the caption, “I couldn’t believe it when I watched the whole thing!”
DIAGNOSIS: Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder/Epilepsy
SYMPTOM: Constantly engaged in one-sided conversations with the cat
DIAGNOSIS: Psychosis/Narcotic abuse/Vitamin B12 deficiency
SYMPTOM: Inability to remember the details of any life event that occurred before 2008
DIAGNOSIS: Selective amnesia/Alcohol withdrawal/Carbon monoxide poisoning
SYMPTOM: Withdrawal from friends or activities in the wake of new Netflix season releases
DIAGNOSIS: Depression/Obsessive compulsive disorder/Mad Cow disease
SYMPTOM: Major changes in eating habits after consuming more than three chardonnays
DIAGNOSIS: Hypoglycemia/Malnutrition
SYMPTOM: Feelings of excessive anger, hostility or violence when inside a Macy’s flagship store on a Saturday
DIAGNOSIS: Fibromyalgia/Cocaine abuse/Agoraphobia
SYMPTOM: Inability to remember anyone’s name who I don’t believe has a stake in my future
DIAGNOSIS: Concussion/Intoxication/Brain tumor
SYMPTOM: A constant feeling of being watched (specifically when arriving and leaving the office)
DIAGNOSIS: Schizophrenia/Bipolar disorder/Vitamin B12 deficiency
SYMPTOM: Inability to concentrate an hour before lunch, an hour after lunch, or anytime after 3 pm
DIAGNOSIS: Head injury/Anemia/Aspirin poisoning
SYMPTOM: A change in personal hygiene and appearance the day following a happy “hour”
DIAGNOSIS: Postpartum depression/Lead poisoning
SYMPTOM: Preoccupation with Googling 1990s celebrities to see, “Where they are now?”
DIAGNOSIS: ADHD/Bipolar disorder/Bulimia
SYMPTOM: Problems with disorientation, such as getting lost in malls and IKEAS
DIAGNOSIS: Alcohol withdrawal/Heatstroke/Decompression sickness
SYMPTOM: Craving alcohol
DIAGNOSIS: Cocaine abuse