Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Things a Man MUST Do Before the Age of 30!New
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (3/26/2015)

Band Names for Your Physics Professor’s Midlife CrisisNew
by Lisa Fiedler (3/25/2015)

Bar Fight Insults as Academic PapersNew
by Kevin Miller (3/24/2015)

ADMIT; BUT; NOR: The Workplace EditionNew
by Scott Farrar (3/23/2015)

13 Reasons Microaggressions Are All In Your Head, Dummy
by Tom Harrison (3/19/2015)

Benjamin Franklin’s To-Do List
by Sean Cullen (3/18/2015)

Weight Loss Tips for Women with Bowling Balls Instead of Hands
by Heidi Meurer (3/16/2015)

Are You Working in a Start-Up or Are You In Jail?
by Niree Noel (3/13/2015)

Unheralded Writing Prizes
by Nathaniel Missildine (3/12/2015)

Alternate Careers for House of Cards’ Frank Underwood
by William Lessard (3/11/2015)

True Designer Baby Names
by Marco Kaye (3/6/2015)

Headlines From My Dismal Lifestyle Blog
by Eileen Consedine (3/5/2015)

Less-Popular Kitchenware Maneuvers In Bed
by Dan McMinn (3/3/2015)

Existentialist Quotes for Social Media Platforms
by Jim Sabataso (2/27/2015)

Lacrosse Term, Obscure Sex Act That Frat Guys Always Claim to Do, Sweet Corn Variety, or Automotive Term With an Arbitrary Proper Noun In Front of It?
by Gary M. Almeter (2/26/2015)

Non-Discriminatory No-Go Zones
by Amelie Mabbutt (2/25/2015)

This Year’s Most Popular Musical Theatre Boys Names
by Andrew Law (2/23/2015)

If Critics Wrote About the Male Best Director Nominees the Same Way They Write About Selma Director Ava DuVernay
by Shannon Reed (2/20/2015)

Follow-Up Red Carpet Questions for Female Celebrities
by Dorothy Bendel (2/20/2015)

If Richard Linklater Filmed Me for the Next Twelve Years
by Wendi Aarons (2/20/2015)

Six Sweet Valley High Novels That Were Ghostwritten by Confucius
by Cian Cruise (2/19/2015)

Immunization Status of Magic Kingdom Celebrities
by George Estreich (2/18/2015)

Bang, Marry, or Kill: Tourist Season in Phoenix Edition
by Sarah Glady (2/17/2015)

Presidents’ Day Greeting Card MessagesUpdated
by Susan Cohen (2/16/2015)

Conversation Hearts for Single People on Valentine’s Day
by Aminata Dia (2/13/2015)

New Rules of Courtly Love
by Rachel Goodman (2/13/2015)

Fifty Shadiest Greys
by Ariana Lenarsky (2/12/2015)

Artistic Movements’ Favorite Drinking Games
by Peter Schultz (2/11/2015)

What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)

White Noise or White Noise?
by Luke Burns (2/9/2015)

Everyone’s Hair in Middle School
by Jessy Randall (2/6/2015)

Thoughtful Reminders When Selecting a Fecal Microbiota Transplant Center
by Kristen Allocco (2/5/2015)

Parenting Ideologies I Use With My Spouse That Justify My Laziness/Terrible Efficacy as a Parent
by Simon Pinkerton (2/4/2015)

Gentrification Through the Ages
by A.C. DeLashmutt and Evan Allgood (2/2/2015)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both the Super Bowl and a Superb Owl
by Michael Ward (1/30/2015)

I Like My Men Like I Like My…
by Sara K. Runnels (1/28/2015)

Things I’m “All About” Now That I’ve Turned 47
by Mike Zuckerman (1/27/2015)

Advertising and Web Design Collective Nouns
by Nate Davis and Paul Baker (1/26/2015)

Your Coworker Dave’s Recent Contributions, Ranked by Effectiveness
by Grant Pardee (1/22/2015)

Opposite Opening Lines to Famous Novels
by David Allen (1/21/2015)

Normcore Norton Anthologies
by Joanna Pearson (1/20/2015)

The Most Boring Clue Results Ever
by Kate Hahn (1/19/2015)

New Pay-Per-View Channels
by Jessy Randall (1/15/2015)

Essential Books to Impress Anyone Who Finds Your Lost Kindle
by Paul Lander (1/14/2015)

Differences Between the Ages 34, 24, and 14
by Jean Ho (1/13/2015)

27 Reasons Why I Can Never Be a Writer
by Michelle Webster-Hein (1/7/2015)

Selections from the Files of a Shuttered Community Hospital or Copy from a Farm-to-Table Restaurant Menu?
by Leslie Maslow (1/6/2015)

My New Year’s Internet Resolutions
by Anjali Enjeti (12/31/2014)

Lesser-Known Ghosts of Christmas
by J.T. Robertson (12/23/2014)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Falling in Love
by Dustin Mark (12/18/2014)

Three Site Specific Installations, Two and a Half Years Post BFA
by Claire Hamilton (12/17/2014)

Best, Worst, or Only: Hanukkah Film Edition
by B.R. Cohen (12/16/2014)

Other Things, In Addition to Love, Air Supply’s Muse Can Make Out of Basically Nothing at All
by Gary M. Almeter (12/11/2014)

Thoroughly Modern Milton
by Walter Carson (12/9/2014)

Three Things Only People Who Can’t Understand Anything Will Understand
by Teddy Wayne (12/8/2014)

The Liberal Arts Thesis Subtitle Generator
by Kyle York (12/4/2014)

Ten Things to NEVER Say to a Stay-at-Home Viking
by Sarah Schmelling (12/3/2014)

The Entirety of My Thoughts as I Eat My Son’s Mac and Cheese Dinner
by Maura Quint (12/2/2014)

Rare Product Instructions
by Don Ward (12/1/2014)

“Must-Haves” for the Holiday SeasonUpdated
by Aubrey Cloutier (11/28/2014)

Sylvia Plath’s Holiday Cooking Tips
by Arabella Anderson (11/26/2014)

Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?Updated
by Tom O'Donnell (11/26/2014)

Honest Thanksgiving Cards
by Cetoria Tomberlin (11/25/2014)

Preliminary Report on the Working Group for the Study of Secret Menu Items
by Eric Williams (11/20/2014)

Jaden Smith, Willow Smith, or William Blake?
by Walter Carson (11/19/2014)

Persons Who Reached the Limits of Their Human Potential Five Minutes Ago
by Kevin Lee (11/18/2014)

AMAs Bookmarked By Single 30-Somethings Who are Fine, Guys, They’re Fine
by Kate Solomon (11/17/2014)

What I Learned at Finishing School
by Marlene Thompson (11/13/2014)

Comments from the Carpenters’ Fall Workshop
by Andrew Bales (11/12/2014)

Purchases I Plan to Make Using Sales from My New Poetry Collection
by Lisa Mangini (11/7/2014)

A Sneak Preview of the 2015 Dads in Recliners Calendar
by Grant Pardee (11/3/2014)

Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)

Other Seasonal Drinks
by Alison Leiby and Alyssa Wolff (10/30/2014)

Lesser-Known Guardian Angels
by Elise Hunter (10/27/2014)

Vanity Plates the Unidentified Subject of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Should Consider Getting For His Next Car
by Gary M. Almeter (10/23/2014)

New Baseball Statistics
by Ezra Deutsch-Feldman (10/22/2014)

Things That Needed One More Iteration Before They Were Ready to Go to Market
by Norman Birnbach (10/20/2014)

The Wisdom of a Cool Substitute High School Teacher
by Gunnar Wray (10/15/2014)

Bond Villain or Bard Student?
by Molly Anders (10/14/2014)

Columbus Discovers the Weight Room
by David Henne (10/13/2014)

Home-Brewed Beers Customers Have Brought Into My Shop Renamed By Actual Taste and Appearance
by David Roberts (10/9/2014)

Reasonable Responses to Sexually Suggestive
Song Lyrics

by Stephen Stenholt (10/7/2014)

Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)

Expanded Explanations to Have On Hand to Convince Others Your Purebred Labrador Retriever is Really a Rescue
by Carolyn Mason (10/2/2014)

Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)

Fitbit Results Throughout History
by Keith Wisniewski (9/24/2014)

Differences Between Me, Teddy Wayne, and Bruce Wayne/John Wayne
by Teddy Wayne (9/22/2014)

Rejected Spaghetti Western Movie Titles
by Nancy Stohlman (9/19/2014)

Other Things Sheena Easton’s Baby Takes in Addition to the Morning Train
by Gary M. Almeter (9/15/2014)

Online Reviews of My Phenomenal Work as a Babysitter
by Ike Flitcraft (9/10/2014)

The Canon of Philosophy Student Karaoke Songs
by Jarry Lee (9/5/2014)

More Accurate Titles of Movies Released This Fall
by Scott Rothman (9/2/2014)

Cartoon Character Revelations Inspired by the News that Hello Kitty is NOT a Cat
by Dorothy Bendel (8/29/2014)

Taylor Swift Song or Positive Integer?
by Jamie Carmody (8/28/2014)

The Adult Kickball League Hall of Fame
by Spencer Ham (8/21/2014)

Famous Inspirational Quotes Take Naps
by Patricia Robinson (8/19/2014)

Shakespearian Insult or Animal On Display at Harvard’s Museum of Natural History?
by Elizabeth Bastos (8/13/2014)

Grammar Gossip
by Peter Kispert (8/12/2014)

Alternate Endings to “I Hope You Dance.”
by Elliot Harmon (8/8/2014)

Animal Epiphanies
by Alex McElroy (8/6/2014)

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