Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Fun Holiday Recipes for Self-Sufficient Singles.
BY AMY CANNON
Empty a bag of chocolate chips in a bowl. Place the bowl in the microwave and heat on high for 45 seconds. Stir. Let cool for five minutes. Drink.
Buy a package of cookie dough. Eat package of cookie dough.
Pour cider into a mug. Heat cider in the microwave on medium high for 25 seconds. Garnish with cinnamon stick. Take a pull from a whisky bottle. Cry while listening to Tammy Wynette’s Christmas CD.
Buy two pints of peppermint-flavored ice cream. Leave on kitchen counter for half an hour. Submerge one hand in each pint. Remain very still.
Buy a carton of eggnog. Drink directly from carton. Contemplate dying alone.
Brush your teeth with a candy cane for 75 minutes.
Buy 27 gingerbread houses. Arrange them in your living room. Admire your work. Hope it sustains you until Valentine’s Day.
SUGGESTED READSTraig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: A Holiday Recipe
by Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath (12/22/2005)
Monologue: Holiday Basket Case
by Angie Brennan (12/21/2006)
Any Given Wednesday Afternoon: Sex Pot: A Get Right Christmas Recipe
by Ian Orti (12/10/2013)
RECENTLYHere at Cline Family Country Cabin, We Do Things a Little Differently
by Jeremiah Tucker (10/31/2014)
Facepalm Pilot — Vijith Assar Explores Intersections of Technology and Stupidity: Are Zombies Racist?
by Vijith Assar (10/31/2014)
List: Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Security Questions for Single, Childless People
by Shannon Reed (10/3/2014)
List: Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)