Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Fun Holiday Recipes for Self-Sufficient Singles.
BY AMY CANNON
[Originally published December 23, 2011.]
Empty a bag of chocolate chips in a bowl. Place the bowl in the microwave and heat on high for 45 seconds. Stir. Let cool for five minutes. Drink.
Buy a package of cookie dough. Eat package of cookie dough.
Pour cider into a mug. Heat cider in the microwave on medium high for 25 seconds. Garnish with cinnamon stick. Take a pull from a whisky bottle. Cry while listening to Tammy Wynette’s Christmas CD.
Buy two pints of peppermint-flavored ice cream. Leave on kitchen counter for half an hour. Submerge one hand in each pint. Remain very still.
Buy a carton of eggnog. Drink directly from carton. Contemplate dying alone.
Brush your teeth with a candy cane for 75 minutes.
Buy 27 gingerbread houses. Arrange them in your living room. Admire your work. Hope it sustains you until Valentine’s Day.
SUGGESTED READSTraig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: A Holiday Recipe
by Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath (12/22/2005)
Monologue: Holiday Basket Case
by Angie Brennan (12/21/2006)
Any Given Wednesday Afternoon: Sex Pot: A Get Right Christmas Recipe
by Ian Orti (12/10/2013)
RECENTLYThe First Black Friday, by William Bradford
by River Clegg (11/27/2015)
Black Friday Special: Common Retail Questions Answered With Deeper Questions
by Kate Hahn (11/27/2015)
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)