Guidelines for Vandalizing Our Place of Business.
ATTENTION, pack of punk-kid hooligans who have recently been vandalizing our store: GRAFFITI IS A CRIME. Do not spray paint, scratch, or otherwise deface this PRIVATE PROPERTY unless you are ACTUALLY AN ARTIST.
What qualifies as art? The question is HISTORICALLY FRAUGHT and PHILOSOPHICALLY DEBATED, but here are some GUIDELINES:
- The common CARTOON PENIS. Not only is this VULGAR and PRURIENT, but it is ILL-DRAWN. This is a scourge and an eyesore.
- YOUR NAME. The ubiquitous “TAG” is navel-gazing at its most boring. It is the SELFIE of vandalism. Is this really the best way you can think of to declare to the world, “I EXIST”?
- AGGRESSIVE LANGUAGE. Save your “BEEF” for in-person conflict resolution.
- That GANGSTER FONT. If you have something to communicate, please make it LEGIBLE. Unless, of course, your CONSCIOUS AIM is to push the written word to the point of ABSTRACTION.
- META GRAFFITI. This is usually very ONE-JOKE, i.e.: that “NOT ART” tag or vandalizing this sign to make it say “GRAFFITI IS A FUN CRIME.” While good for a chuckle, these are not sustaining or NOURISHING.
- Ask yourself: am I adding anything to the DISCOURSE? You may think you are being POST-POSTMODERNIST but you are likely just being DERIVATIVE.
- Some ideas of more interesting meta graffiti include the word “PENIS” in a VERY FANCY FONT or perhaps a very detailed and beautifully drawn penis in HIGH RENAISSANCE STYLE. These are just examples; follow your individual influences, YOU’RE THE ARTIST.
- POLITICAL STATEMENTS. What better way to criticize THE SYSTEM than through art illegal in SAID SYSTEM? Viewpoints should be LEFT-LEANING and if mentioning politicians by name we ask you keep it to our LOCAL MAYOR or CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS. Broader issues are up to your discretion but we really respond to art about WORSENING ECONOMIC INEQUALITY.
- RIPs to GREAT ARTISTS of our time. Heartfelt memoriams are always welcome, especially when accompanied by a LARGE and SEMI-RECOGNIZABLE drawing of the artist.
- Anything AESTHETICALLY PLEASING. This can be drawings of CREATURES, technicolor geometric SHAPES, etc. The possibilities are endless. We encourage you to develop your own VISUAL VOCABULARY of symbols!
- For inspiration, look into the works of STREET ART GREATS like Keith Haring, Banksy, or local artist PSYCHO GARY. Shepard Fairey, while generally acclaimed, is in our personal opinion A BIT TOO COMMERCIAL.
VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED.
SUGGESTED READSList: The Graffiti of Minneapolis
by Keith Pille (7/29/2002)
List: What I Think the Illegible Gang Graffiti That Was Spray-Painted Onto My Apartment Building Actually Says
by Robyn Nisi (3/23/2007)
Someone On This Desert Island is Banksy
by Keaton Patti (1/6/2015)
RECENTLYMurder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower (5/27/2016)
List: Ways in Which We Swipe Right After 34
by JoJo Franzen (5/27/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Amy Makes it Home, Part 2
by Marti Jonjak (5/27/2016)
POPULARList: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)