On getting bullied when I was five:
“We do not fight with our hands; we fight with our words. Let me help you brainstorm. What does your bully hate about herself?”
On wanting a Tweety Bird shirt when I was ten:
“Oh, sweetheart. Yellow is not your color.”
On buying Dr. Martens in high school:
“I thought you had a boyfriend?”
On my prom date:
“If that boy tries to get you to do something you don’t want to do, you tell him, ‘MY FATHER WILL.’”
On dating in college:
“Sleep with everyone. You will not be hot forever.”
On finishing in fifth place at a speech tournament:
“You’re just like your dad: never coming first!”
On moving home:
“I want you in bed by 12 and home by 2.”
On getting dumped:
“Honey, just go get another one. They’re everywhere. And to repay me for that advice, you will be my date to drag brunch because I know you’re now free on Sunday morning.”
On working in a shipyard in San Francisco:
“What is a machinist and why would you want to do that?”
On getting a dog:
“He will make us look so cute on Fire Island!”
On gay marriage:
“I want you to do a reading at my wedding. But I should tell you that I didn’t invite your other dad.”
On my coming out:
“We always thought you gave off bisexual vibes.”
On wearing a puffy vest:
“We always thought you gave off lesbian vibes.”