[Originally published December 21, 2010.]

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Seriously, how fucking hard can it be?

Click START, then click SHUT DOWN.

That’s a TWO-step process that for the past 10 years in a row I’ve had to sit down with you assholes and explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain and re-explain START, then SHUT DOWN! START, THEN SHUT DOWN!!!

What, in the precise two-step process—that I’ve written down and given to you on numerous occasions—do you not get?

“But Jason,” Dad will say, “it’s confusing that I have to click START in order to shut something down. That just seems counterintuitive.”

Oh is it, Alan? Is it counterintuitive? Would it help if, instead of a START icon, Microsoft created an icon that looked like a 63-year-old retired accountant with back problems bending over to unplug his computer from the wall? Would that kind of visual be less “counterintuitive”? Apparently it would because every FUCKING year I come home and find that you’ve been resorting to exactly that kind barbarism.

But it ends here! DO YOU HEAR ME, ALAN? It ends here!

You and Mom had better brace for the possibility that one of you is going to walk into the family room someday and find the other electrocuted, lying in pile of their own shit next to the computer, because that’s what’s in your future if you keep unplugging it from the wall rather than following my VERY simple instructions!

And GODDAMMIT, STOP PRINTING OUT HARD COPIES OF ALL YOUR EMAILS!