Calm your tits. I understand your obsession, but you people are out of control. I’m cute. I’m silly. I’ve got attitude. I get it. But wake the hell up already! Every internet link I see, every commercial I watch, every hipster-ass music festival in a nasty-ass desert… there is always a cat. What’s the big deal?

In case you forgot, I’m only a pet. So get the fuck over it.

BREAKING NEWS: I’m ridiculously adorable. Listen up, Katie Couric: everyone already knows that. Get with the program. Us cats are not commercial worthy. “Cat Herders”? No thank you. “Cats with Thumbs”? Pass. “Telecom Kittens”? I want my money back. That Skittles commercial, “Cat Lick,” is the reason I attacked your ankles last week.

Apology not accepted.

Oh, you thought you’d post videos of me? Look, I’m having a panic attack in a box. Look, I’m in a costume made of fruit. Look, I’m ironically getting along with other animals. Guess what Spielberg? I made a few videos myself: Your face when I scratch the shit out of your mother’s first designer handbag that she’s “been waiting her whole life to own”; your face when I use your shoe as a litter box; your face when I refuse to leave while you’re mating.

Keep posting videos of me being vulnerable and I’ll start posting videos of you eating your feelings.

No, you cannot “has cheezburger.” You know what you can have? Toxoplasmosis. That’s right, asshole, I am not afraid to give you a parasitic disease. Keep messing with my shit and see what happens.

Test me. I dare you.

So go ahead, continue making those annoying-ass cat memes. We’ll see who the real victim is soon enough. Just stop freaking the fuck out over domesticated animals. It’s embarrassing. Get a grip and move on.

Now scratch my belly.