A McSweeney’s Kickstarter Update!

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We need just 379 more backers (at any amount—even $1!) in order to get an additional $20,000 from MailChimp. Their support is within reach—and will go a long way toward helping us get more great writing into the world—but we need everyone’s help to get there! If you’ve already backed this campaign, your pledge will count toward the backer challenge. We can’t thank you enough for supporting us!

Visit our Kickstarter page to pledge your support.

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Short Imagined Monologues

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Send your short imagined monologues to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.

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I’m Not Going to Teleport to Stop & Shop Just Because You Are Out of Contact Lens Solution
by Curtis Edmonds (5/20/2015)

The Hamburglar Speaks
by Rupinder Gill (5/7/2015)

God Laments His NCAA Tournament Bracket
by Theodore Johnston (4/6/2015)

Robespierre, the Insult Comic Who Works Only With Esoteric Art References
by Wayne Gladstone (3/12/2015)

I’m America’s Latest Politically Divisive Issue
by Chris Brotzman (3/10/2015)

Michel Foucault Complains to His Building’s Super
by Olivia Ciacci (3/4/2015)

Jesus Christ Tells His Parents He Wants to Pursue a Career in Comedy
by James Greb (2/24/2015)

T.S. Eliot Sees Cats for the First Time
by AT Barnes (2/17/2015)

A Quick Update from Your Late Irregular Period
by Lyndsey Reese (2/4/2015)

I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)

I am the Fucking Managing Editor of the Weather.com Homepage
by Ariel Pressman (1/27/2015)

This Conversation is a Series of Gratuitous References to Validate My Intelligence to You
by Zack Bornstein (1/20/2015)

The Creator of Truck Nutz On What Inspired His Invention
by Katy Yeiser (1/5/2015)

I’m Just a Fucking Cat
by Patricia Robinson (12/30/2014)

Noted Social Psychologist George Herbert Mead Analyzes Ugly Sweater Parties
by Kathryn Doyle (12/22/2014)

Serial’s Sarah Koenig On Santa’s Alleged Hit-and-Run Murder of Grandma
by Spencer Ham (12/18/2014)

Lance Kilmartin, the Yankee Candle Company’s Lead Scent Architect, is Going Through a Rough Patch at Work
by M. Miller Davis (12/15/2014)

I Am a Police Officer Whose Use of Lethal Force is Perfectly Consistent
by C.L. Mah (12/11/2014)

A Stay-at-Home Dad’s Promise to His Son
by David Blake Fischer (12/10/2014)

Peter Pan’s Middle School Assembly D.A.R.E. Speech
by Olga Oksman (11/5/2014)

The Reality You Must Accept Upon Setting Foot in My Chipotle
by Wesley Browne (10/29/2014)

Hester Prynne Hosts a Nail Art Party
by Laura Spadanuta (10/17/2014)

The Stand-In Cannon Player for Last Week’s Performance of Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture” Apologizes
by Rowan Hudson (10/10/2014)

I Am Gary, Your Bed, Bath and Beyond Sherpa
by Jen Winston (10/1/2014)

The Split Infinitive Begs for Mercy
by Paco Francoli (9/26/2014)

Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)

Alexander Graham Bell Has Had Just About Enough of Your Shit
by Charlie Stockman (9/16/2014)

Botticelli’s Venus Wants You to Go Away
by Kate Hahn (9/12/2014)

Yeah, Well the Weather Doesn’t Want to Talk About You Either
by Sam Corrao Clanon (9/9/2014)

Tennessee Titans’ Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt’s Spirit Animal is a Football
by Devin Schiff (9/5/2014)

A Few Words from Roscoe’s Italian Eatery and Café’s Human Billboard and Doomsayer
by Peter Harmelin (8/20/2014)

The Owner of Sharky’s Big and Tall By the Beach Addresses Some Nasty Rumors
by Brian Boone (8/11/2014)

I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand
by Lukas Drake (7/8/2014)

A Few Words from the Scientist Who Invented Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
by David Ng (6/26/2014)

A Bear Explains How to Survive a Bear Attack
by Janelle Blasdel (6/23/2014)

I Feel Like I’m the Only One Who’s Trying to Get This Narcissist Support Group Off the Ground
by Dan Rozier (6/16/2014)

Hi, I’m the New Guy With a Really Bad Cold
by Bret Gunter (6/5/2014)

The Toothbrush You Just Threw Away Has Some Questions About the Seven 12-oz. Mountain Dews in Your Trash
by Nate Dern (5/29/2014)

A Traffic Report Interrupted By a Stolen Sandwich Interrupted By a Jackknifed Tractor Trailer Hauling Mannequins Interrupted By a Midlife Crisis
by Jon Methven (5/12/2014)

Yes Girl, I’m a Yupster
by Kashana Cauley (4/30/2014)

I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys
by Chris Brotzman (4/22/2014)

The Holy Spirit Reacts to Jesus Sitting At the Right Hand of The Father
by Conor James McKeon (4/18/2014)

An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her Taxes
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)

This Authentic Food is Delicious, But I Think My Mouth is On Fire
by Josh Freedman (3/31/2014)

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
by Chris Brotzman (3/26/2014)

I Should Get the First Lifeboat Because I Am In Advertising
by Brian Cullen (3/13/2014)

Henry David Thoreau Can’t Take Much More of These Goddamn Steam Whistles
by Coleman Larkin (2/26/2014)

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans
by Alex Rosenfeld (2/18/2014)

A Puppy Bowl Coach’s Pre-Game Locker Room Speech
by Lindsay Dale (1/31/2014)

Noted Sociologist Elemér Hankiss Serves You Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins
by Kyle York (1/24/2014)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas PartyUpdated
by Grace Bello (12/23/2013)

I’m the Best Story Idea You’ve Ever Had
by Jason Hayes (12/19/2013)

Thornton Wilder at 15
by Shannon Reed (12/18/2013)

Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)

A Turkey Has a Few Words to Say About Turduckens
by Nick Mickowski (11/27/2013)

Selfie’s Word of the Year Acceptance Speech
by Rachel Callman (11/21/2013)

Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead of Frankenstein
by Colin Nissan (10/31/2013)

I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
by Keaton Patti (10/24/2013)

I am Clarence Fahnestock Memorial State Park, and This Government Shutdown is My Time to Shine
by Rob Kleckner (10/3/2013)

A High School Chemistry Teacher Pitches a Product to Investors
by Liz Arcury (8/8/2013)

The Coach of the Youth Basketball Team That Sells Candy on the Subway Breaks Some Bad News
by David Hill (7/31/2013)

A Difficult Second Album Meets its Band
by Kris Swales (7/25/2013)

Your First Short Story Speaks
by Peter Kispert (7/11/2013)

The Higgs Boson Calls a Press Conference
by Sarah Rosenshine (6/21/2013)

A Business Card Laments
by Megan Cohen and Sam Bertken (6/12/2013)

I’m Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, King of the Fucking Sea
by Jack Loftus (5/29/2013)

A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)

A Few Words From a Genetically Modified Eggplant
by Eric Hague (5/7/2013)

Terrence Malick at the Delicatessen
by Chris Okum (4/15/2013)

A Government Wasteocrat Comes Clean
by James Folta (4/2/2013)

White House Press Secretary Has a Few Words About the Secret Kill List
by Alex Kane (2/26/2013)

Grandson, I Lied When I Said I Hurt My Knee in the War; It Happened During an Improv Scene
by Spencer Ham (2/12/2013)

A Farewell Speech From the Monopoly Iron
by Kate Hahn (2/8/2013)

The Half-Priced Hypnotist
by Bekah Grim (2/7/2013)

Pat Sajak Tries to Talk Himself Into Going to Work Again
by Jory John (1/29/2013)

Chuck Hammersmith: Rock ’n’ Roll Copy Editor
by Tommy Morgan, Jr. (1/22/2013)

We Are the Feet of the People Whose Holiday Card You Received Last Week
by Kendra Stanton Lee (12/17/2012)

I’m Delighted to Be an Extra in a Rap Video
by Max Lakin (12/3/2012)

A Tour Guide Attempts to Salvage His Lecture On a Series of Recently Vandalized Cave Paintings
by Django Gold (11/15/2012)

A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points
by Miles Kahn (11/2/2012)

Hark! I Am Obama—Slayer of Jobs!
by Eric Hague (10/24/2012)

Allow Me to Evade That Specific Policy Question With Sweeping Generalizations About America
by Josh Freedman (10/15/2012)

Please Don’t Raise My Benevolent Billionaire Employer’s Taxes
by Alex Kane (9/25/2012)

Your Former High School Health Teacher Sets You Straight About Menopause
by Julie Shain (9/18/2012)

A Teenager Tries to Make the Best of Hosting Her Middle-Ages Themed Party at the Same Time as Her Older Brother’s Lacrosse Team’s Kegger
by Jen Spyra (9/12/2012)

I Am Selling Candy for My Basketball Team or My Conceptual Art Project
by David Hart (9/4/2012)

Paul Ryan Details His Plan for Post-Bowling Drinks
by Rob Curran (8/27/2012)

An Overeager New Dad Celebrates the Birth of His Son
by Stephen Ornes (8/6/2012)

My Semester Abroad Gives Me Ownership of this Cultural Event
by Eric Noah Feldman (7/31/2012)

The Man Who Tripped and Fell in His Living Room One Afternoon and Died
by Jaylee Alde (7/23/2012)

I am Young, Vapid, and Want to Complain
by Genevieve Bentz (7/16/2012)

No Matter How You Slice it, We’ve Been Stuck in This Elevator for Three Days
by John Purcell (7/10/2012)

A Mayoral Candidate Explains His Behavior at Last Night’s Debate
by Jamie Brew (6/25/2012)

An Antelope from The Lion King Wonders Why He Was Invited to the Celebration of Simba’s Birth
by Fabian Lapham (6/18/2012)

Salvador Dali, Wedding Photographer
by Julia McCloy (6/11/2012)

A Classmate Has Some Notes About the Psychedelic-Mushroom Scene in Your Short Story
by Andrea Uptmor (6/5/2012)

Willy Loman Contemplates Twittercide
by Jason Edward Harrington (5/29/2012)

A Frustrated Chief Executive Engineer Addresses His Staff Entirely Composed of Disney Imagineers
by Liz Arcury (5/15/2012)

A Failed Chef Has an Epiphany
by Shawn Bowers (5/7/2012)

Ralph Waldo Emerson Pitches the Snuggie on the Home Shopping Network
by Mira Hayward (3/29/2012)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by donating to our Kickstarter campaign.