Short Imagined Monologues

- - - -

Send your short imagined monologues to

- - - -
- - - -
Hi, I Am a Delegate — A Non-Superdelegate
by Brian Bennett (5/17/2016)

Whistler’s Mother Has Just About Had It
by Isabella Giovannini (5/6/2016)

Vanna White at Three in the Morning
by Jory John (4/29/2016)

Albert Einstein Wants You To Know That You Can All Go Fuck Yourselves
by Gordon Webster (4/19/2016)

I’m Not Going to Stop Being a Birthday Clown Just Because My Name Also Happens to Be John Wayne Gacy
by Keaton Patti (4/13/2016)

A Thousand Pardons From a Guy Walking Through First Class to Get to Seat 32B
by J. Boyd (4/8/2016)

I’m the Word “Sexcapade” and I Just Got Added to This Spell-Check Dictionary
by Tim Eberle (4/6/2016)

Don Corleone Declares a Mattress War
by Joyce Millman (3/30/2016)

A Youth Soccer Player’s Participation Award Acceptance Speech
by Hannah Murphy (3/18/2016)

I Don’t Know How to Tell You This, But I’m Not One of Those Mood-Enhancing Lamps
by Matt Doyle (3/1/2016)

An All-Purpose Oscar Acceptance Speech
by Jay Martel (2/26/2016)

Oliver Twist Forms a Union
by Olga Oksman (2/23/2016)

Uncle Larry Explains the Logistics of His Primo Fanny Pack
by Matt Hobin (1/29/2016)

The Universally Electable Vice-Presidential Candidate
by Zain Khalid (1/27/2016)

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn’t Want To Celebrate His Birthday This Year
by Matt Bannish (12/24/2015)

Ted Nugent Reviews A Christmas Story.
by Jennifer Byrne (12/23/2015)

Annie Gives a Corporate Motivational Speech
by Jill Twiss (12/18/2015)

A Presidential Candidate Answers a Question About Raising the Minimum Wage
by Sam Apple (12/15/2015)

Remove Your Cap and Bow Your Head, For It is I, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack
by James Folta (12/10/2015)

The Only Thing Stopping Me from Making This Hamburger Helper is a Crippling Fear of Failure
by Jacob Rosenberg (11/20/2015)

As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)

An Anarchist History Teacher Gives His Fourth Graders a Halloween Lesson

by Rachel Friedman (10/30/2015)

A Leaf Peeper Shuts His Eyes
by Matt Seidel (10/13/2015)

On Fleek’s Eulogy for Ratchet
by Zain Khalid (9/29/2015)

Crossfit’s Film Critic Wins a 2018 National Magazine Award
by Jeremiah Tucker (9/16/2015)

I Love Fiddler On the Roof. So I Decided to Live It
by Jason Diamond (9/11/2015)

I’m a Jimmy John’s Delivery Boy! I’m a Jimmy John’s Delivery Boy!
by Meredith Maltby (9/9/2015)

I Am the Moment Right Before the Beat Drops
by Kate Sidley (8/27/2015)

I Am the Freshest Comedy Aggregator on the Internet
by David Henne (8/25/2015)

I Am the Masked Vigilante of Bud Light’s Whatever, USA
by John Leh (8/18/2015)

Me Commercial Husband
by Mark Pfennig (8/11/2015)

An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)

Mr. McGee Sits Down With Part-Time Employee Prince to Discuss His Performance Review
by Erik Evenson (7/21/2015)

John Connor Testifies Against the Trans-Pacific Partnership
by Jeff Nussbaum (7/1/2015)

I’ve Been Kenyan This Whole Time, Everybody
by Pete Reynolds (6/29/2015)

Your Talking Car Comes Clean
by Matthew Schmid (6/25/2015)

Remember, Guys: We Make Clickbait for Teenagers on the Internet!
by Steven Aleck (6/16/2015)

The Valedictorian of a For-Profit Online University Addresses the Graduating Class
by Alex Edelman and Annie Wyman (6/11/2015)

Dickon Lets Mary in On the Secret of The Secret Garden
by Olga Oksman (6/9/2015)

Let Me Promote Your Brand and Create Your Social Ecosystem Through the Humble Power of Storytelling
by Sarah Beller (6/2/2015)

A Guy Who Overestimated Swine Flu Emerges From His Bunker
by Lev Novak (5/27/2015)

I’m Not Going to Teleport to Stop & Shop Just Because You Are Out of Contact Lens Solution
by Curtis Edmonds (5/20/2015)

The Hamburglar Speaks
by Rupinder Gill (5/7/2015)

God Laments His NCAA Tournament Bracket
by Theodore Johnston (4/6/2015)

Robespierre, the Insult Comic Who Works Only With Esoteric Art References
by Wayne Gladstone (3/12/2015)

I’m America’s Latest Politically Divisive Issue
by Chris Brotzman (3/10/2015)

Michel Foucault Complains to His Building’s Super
by Olivia Ciacci (3/4/2015)

Jesus Christ Tells His Parents He Wants to Pursue a Career in Comedy
by James Greb (2/24/2015)

T.S. Eliot Sees Cats for the First Time
by AT Barnes (2/17/2015)

A Quick Update from Your Late Irregular Period
by Lyndsey Reese (2/4/2015)

I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)

I am the Fucking Managing Editor of the Homepage
by Ariel Pressman (1/27/2015)

This Conversation is a Series of Gratuitous References to Validate My Intelligence to You
by Zack Bornstein (1/20/2015)

The Creator of Truck Nutz On What Inspired His Invention
by Katy Yeiser (1/5/2015)

I’m Just a Fucking Cat
by Patricia Robinson (12/30/2014)

Noted Social Psychologist George Herbert Mead Analyzes Ugly Sweater Parties
by Kathryn Doyle (12/22/2014)

Serial’s Sarah Koenig On Santa’s Alleged Hit-and-Run Murder of Grandma
by Spencer Ham (12/18/2014)

Lance Kilmartin, the Yankee Candle Company’s Lead Scent Architect, is Going Through a Rough Patch at Work
by M. Miller Davis (12/15/2014)

I Am a Police Officer Whose Use of Lethal Force is Perfectly Consistent
by C.L. Mah (12/11/2014)

A Stay-at-Home Dad’s Promise to His Son
by David Blake Fischer (12/10/2014)

Peter Pan’s Middle School Assembly D.A.R.E. Speech
by Olga Oksman (11/5/2014)

The Reality You Must Accept Upon Setting Foot in My Chipotle
by Wesley Browne (10/29/2014)

Hester Prynne Hosts a Nail Art Party
by Laura Spadanuta (10/17/2014)

The Stand-In Cannon Player for Last Week’s Performance of Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture” Apologizes
by Rowan Hudson (10/10/2014)

I Am Gary, Your Bed, Bath and Beyond Sherpa
by Jen Winston (10/1/2014)

The Split Infinitive Begs for Mercy
by Paco Francoli (9/26/2014)

Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)

Alexander Graham Bell Has Had Just About Enough of Your Shit
by Charlie Stockman (9/16/2014)

Botticelli’s Venus Wants You to Go Away
by Kate Hahn (9/12/2014)

Yeah, Well the Weather Doesn’t Want to Talk About You Either
by Sam Corrao Clanon (9/9/2014)

Tennessee Titans’ Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt’s Spirit Animal is a Football
by Devin Schiff (9/5/2014)

A Few Words from Roscoe’s Italian Eatery and Café’s Human Billboard and Doomsayer
by Peter Harmelin (8/20/2014)

The Owner of Sharky’s Big and Tall By the Beach Addresses Some Nasty Rumors
by Brian Boone (8/11/2014)

I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand
by Lukas Drake (7/8/2014)

A Few Words from the Scientist Who Invented Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
by David Ng (6/26/2014)

A Bear Explains How to Survive a Bear Attack
by Janelle Blasdel (6/23/2014)

I Feel Like I’m the Only One Who’s Trying to Get This Narcissist Support Group Off the Ground
by Dan Rozier (6/16/2014)

Hi, I’m the New Guy With a Really Bad Cold
by Bret Gunter (6/5/2014)

The Toothbrush You Just Threw Away Has Some Questions About the Seven 12-oz. Mountain Dews in Your Trash
by Nate Dern (5/29/2014)

A Traffic Report Interrupted By a Stolen Sandwich Interrupted By a Jackknifed Tractor Trailer Hauling Mannequins Interrupted By a Midlife Crisis
by Jon Methven (5/12/2014)

Yes Girl, I’m a Yupster
by Kashana Cauley (4/30/2014)

I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys
by Chris Brotzman (4/22/2014)

The Holy Spirit Reacts to Jesus Sitting At the Right Hand of The Father
by Conor James McKeon (4/18/2014)

An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her Taxes
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)

This Authentic Food is Delicious, But I Think My Mouth is On Fire
by Josh Freedman (3/31/2014)

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
by Chris Brotzman (3/26/2014)

I Should Get the First Lifeboat Because I Am In Advertising
by Brian Cullen (3/13/2014)

Henry David Thoreau Can’t Take Much More of These Goddamn Steam Whistles
by Coleman Larkin (2/26/2014)

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans
by Alex Rosenfeld (2/18/2014)

A Puppy Bowl Coach’s Pre-Game Locker Room Speech
by Lindsay Dale (1/31/2014)

Noted Sociologist Elemér Hankiss Serves You Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins
by Kyle York (1/24/2014)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas PartyUpdated
by Grace Bello (12/23/2013)

I’m the Best Story Idea You’ve Ever Had
by Jason Hayes (12/19/2013)

Thornton Wilder at 15
by Shannon Reed (12/18/2013)

Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)

A Turkey Has a Few Words to Say About Turduckens
by Nick Mickowski (11/27/2013)

Selfie’s Word of the Year Acceptance Speech
by Rachel Callman (11/21/2013)

Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead of Frankenstein
by Colin Nissan (10/31/2013)

I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
by Keaton Patti (10/24/2013)

I am Clarence Fahnestock Memorial State Park, and This Government Shutdown is My Time to Shine
by Rob Kleckner (10/3/2013)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.