An Abstinence Coach Struggles with Analogy
by Ross Murray (2/22/2012)

My Wife Critiques My Plan to Quit My Job and Write the Next Horror Franchise
by Jon Methven (2/13/2012)

I’ll Be Knocking Out Beautiful Poetry This Whole Goddamn Flight
by Sean Adams (2/8/2012)

Exit Row Instructions for Passengers On the Space Ark
by Jon Korn (1/31/2012)

Thank You, Small Section of This Country That I Temporarily Cared About
by Jeremy Blachman (1/23/2012)

Mitt Romney’s Haircut Will Not Be Denied
by Jesse Adelman (1/10/2012)

Paula Cole Still Wonders Where All the Cowboys Have Gone
by Luke Kelly-Clyne (11/16/2011)

Yet Another Unnecessarily Long Monologue By a Supervillain as He Prepares to Kill His Nemesis
by Claire Zulkey (10/12/2011)

Aging Action Star Loses His Edge
by Christian Lynch (9/28/2011)

A Screenwriter Wonders How the Hell He’s Going to Come Up With an Original Plot for a New Episode of Law & Order: SVU
by Amanda Waas (9/21/2011)

An Emerging Adult’s Plea for Sanity
by Karin Hammerberg (8/31/2011)

A Representative for Dove’s New Line of Men’s Body Soap Asks For a Bit of Your Time
by Matthew Latkiewicz (8/17/2011)

The Writer of a Cat Food Commercial Confronts a Focus Group
by Mike Gallagher (8/2/2011)

A Timid Ghost Requests Help Exacting Vengeance
by Josh Gondelman (7/13/2011)

A Teenage Philosopher Defends Missing Her Curfew
by Haley Joelle Ott (6/29/2011)

A Woman, Returning to the Workforce After Having Children, Answers a STAR Behavioral Assessment Job Interview Question
by Laura Tokie (6/22/2011)

Virginia Woolf, Realtor, Invents the Mother-in-Law Suite
by Jessica Probus (6/7/2011)

Friedrich Nietzsche, Chain-Restaurant Bartender
by Nick Kolakowski (5/31/2011)

Equivocating Economist Gives Forecast
by Bob Brody (4/11/2011)

A Management Consultant Draws Upon His Life Experience to Illustrate a Point
by Tom McGlaughlin (3/29/2011)

A Self-Published Author Addresses the Small Gathering at the Launch Party for Her Memoir
by Rupinder Gill (3/22/2011)

I’m Not a Telemarketer; I’m an Artist
by Jilly Gagnon (3/15/2011)

The King’s Other Speech
by Rob Curran (2/28/2011)

A Man Addresses His Fiancée After a Valium and Wood Chopping Incident
by Jonathan Kime (2/16/2011)

A Senator Brings The Necronomicon to His Filibuster
by Charlie Stockman (2/10/2011)

The Towelman’s Concern
by Faith Gardner (1/25/2011)

Spider-Man Speaks At Career Day
by Rick Stoeckel (1/4/2011)

The Word Dude Reflects On Its Steady Decline from Keeping Company with Rakish 19th Century Dandies to Its Demeaning Modern Day Role as Filler for Light Beer Commercials
by Jack Loftus (12/14/2010)

An Air Traffic Controller Instructs a Flight Attendant Through an Emergency Takeoff
by Eli Terry (12/3/2010)

The Cost Plus World Market Buyer in Charge of Epicurean Imports Addresses Shareholders
by Janet Manley (11/27/2010)

A Guy Tries to Convince His Father to Move Into a Mausoleum With Him
by Alina Simone (11/17/2010)

A Mother Who’s Taking Psychology 101 at Her Local Adult Continuing Education Center Comforts Her Son at Bedtime
by Jilly Gagnon (11/13/2010)

A Disgraced Congressman Apologizes for His Recent Poor Choices of Costumes
by S. Craig Renfroe (10/29/2010)

A Tibetan Buddhist Monk Tries to Figure Out Who Stole a Rock from His Zen Garden
by Julia Young and Zachary Smilovitz (10/28/2010)

A Disgruntled Men’s Cologne Speaks Its Piece
by Raymond Gianfrancesco (10/27/2010)

A Ketchup Company Executive Would Like to Clarify the Conversation He Had With His Fellow Co-workers About Blowing Up Their Rival’s Ketchup Factory
by Seth Reiss (10/26/2010)

I, Hang in There Kitty, Am Pretty Sure This Will Be the Day That I Finally Fall to My Death
by Julia McCloy (10/25/2010)

I Am the Invisible Thing That Holds Together the Two Halves of a Compound Word
by Ben Greenman (10/1/2010)

The Artist Plays Basketball
by Kevin Haworth (9/21/2010)

I am a Birthday-Party Magician in a Midwestern Town
by Ben Greenman (9/14/2010)

The Only Juggalo Graduate Student Hangs up the Hatchet
by Ryan O'Connor (9/8/2010)

A Father Tells His Eight-Month-Old Son to Scatter His Ashes On Top of All the Places That This Asshole He Knows From Work Is Going to Have His Ashes Scattered
by Christopher Geno (8/31/2010)

A Guy With Food Poisoning Prepares to Take Back a Hijacked Plane
by Patrick Foy (8/16/2010)

Buddy Holly Posthumously Accepts His Posthumous Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
by Andrew Bridgman (8/5/2010)

I Am the Period at the End of This Paragraph
by Ben Greenman (7/7/2010)

We Are Going to Turn This Fake Christmas Tree Into an Art Piece So I Don’t Have to Haul it Down to the Basement Again
by Lily Langerud (6/22/2010)

I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)

The Guy Who Wrote the Floating Text at the Beginning of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back Critiques the Floating Text of Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi, Using a Series of Animated PowerPoint Slides That Involve a Number of Compromising Photos of G
by Eric Fershtman (5/24/2010)

A Man Who Donated His Big Toe to His Wife Asks For it Back Now That They’re Getting a Divorce
by Dave Cowen (5/14/2010)

This Really Nice Suit is Going to Get Me Acquitted
by Jeremy Pippenger (5/3/2010)

The Guy Who Lost the New iPhone Apologizes to His Team
by Rupinder Gill (4/21/2010)

The Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Make Excuses, Addressing His Co-Ed Company Softball Team After They Lost Because He Dropped A Routine Fly Ball
by Joe Gerlitz (4/12/2010)

Julian Lennon, On the Eve of his Parents’ Divorce, Sits Through a New Song by Uncle Paul
by Michael Rottman (3/30/2010)

Narcissus Breaks Up with Himself
by Doug Lieblich (3/9/2010)

Your Spinning Class Instructor Takes the Tension Brake Literally
by Hilary Meyerson (3/3/2010)

Civil War General George B. McClellan Addresses his Troop of Ten-Year-Olds in a Game of Capture the Flag While Waiting for his Retinue of Horse-Drawn Carriages
by River Clegg (2/24/2010)

Sam Spade Asks You Out On a Date
by Nathan Pensky (2/17/2010)

A Motivational Speaker Explains Why Excellence Matters
by Scott Vrooman (2/10/2010)

An Aspiring Club DJ Reluctantly Moves On To Weddings
by John M. Flaherty (2/3/2010)

Mr. Peanut Tries on Glasses at Lenscrafters
by Seth Weitberg (1/19/2010)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas Party
by Grace Bello (12/21/2009)

An Anne Geddes Baby Grows Up
by Liz Labacz (12/14/2009)

Pole Dancing With Paula Deen, Y’all!
by Erin Hershey (12/5/2009)

An Unprepared Reporter Interviews the Pope
by Elizabeth Mahoney (11/30/2009)

A Mysterious Drifter Just Isn’t Up To Saving A Small Town
by Jon Gutierrez (11/13/2009)

Matt Saracen, Dillon, Texas High School Quarterback, Plays in His First Game Back Since Visiting The Art Institute of Chicago as a Prospective Student
by David Bernstein (10/27/2009)

I Want to Defend Myself and This Shirt I’m Wearing Inside Out
by Lucas Kavner (10/9/2009)

One-Size-Fits-All Hairnets Are a Lie Perpetuated by the Hairnet Industry
by Brian Beatty (7/13/2009)

Bono Gives the Rush-Hour Traffic Report
by Alyssa Lang (4/2/2009)

This Adult Male Greater Sage Grouse Refuses to Play the Plumage Game, Baby
by Paul A. Ita (3/3/2009)

Subway Sandwich Artist’s Statement
by Jonathan Tucker Bell (2/19/2009)

Stevie Nicks Applies for Work at an Ice Rink
by Jordi Barnes (1/26/2009)

A Mail Carrier Realizes That a Family’s Netflix Movie Has Yet to Be Returned
by Frank Ferri (1/5/2009)

A Candiru Issues an Apology From Inside Your Urethra
by Isaac Rooks (12/8/2008)

The Cervine Patient Begins His Analysis
by Curtis Edmonds (11/19/2008)

No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
by Michael Nelson Price (11/6/2008)

Beowulf, Sitting Next to a 16-Year-Old Kid, Watches Frasier on a Transcontinental Flight
by Russell Hehn (10/28/2008)

A 39-Year-Old Wedding Photographer Makes Her Pitch at the Ramada Inn Bridal Expo
by Christine F. Nangle (10/21/2008)

A Taxi Dispatcher Talks a Passenger Through an Emergency Parking
by Jake Salter (8/5/2008)

Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors’ Office
by Evan Johnston (8/1/2008)

Mom, Dad, I’m Into Steampunk
by Marco Kaye (6/25/2008)

It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night
by Colin Nissan (6/10/2008)

A Former WWF Wrestler, Now a Suburban Realtor and Parent of Three, Campaigns for PTA Chair and Battles His Instincts
by Teddy Wayne (6/10/2008)

A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
by John Frank (5/13/2008)

The Most Complicated Game
by Michael Reisman (3/5/2008)

Potsie’s Breakdown
by Lindsay Champion (2/26/2008)

Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
by Adrienne Gunn (2/14/2008)

I Can’t Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
by Nicole Fabian (2/5/2008)

Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
by Sean P. Murray (1/29/2008)

An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
by Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/2008)

Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
by Grace Parra (12/18/2007)

Blake, Alec Baldwin’s Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
by Sonny Harding (12/11/2007)

Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
by Becky Adnot Haynes (11/28/2007)

An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
by Teddy Wayne (11/13/2007)

My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
by Eric Feezell (11/6/2007)

In the Early ’70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
by Michael Stutz (10/23/2007)

After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
by Aisha Muharrar (10/9/2007)

An Obsessive-Compulsive’s Prayer Before Death
by Eric Buell (10/2/2007)

The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the “Free Breadsticks” Issue
by Mike Drucker (9/26/2007)

Upon Hearing Fred’s Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
by Jay Dyckman (9/17/2007)