Short Imagined Monologues

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Send your short imagined monologues to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.

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Botticelli’s Venus Wants You to Go AwayNew
by Kate Hahn (9/12/2014)

Yeah, Well the Weather Doesn’t Want to Talk About You Either
by Sam Corrao Clanon (9/9/2014)

Tennessee Titans’ Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt’s Spirit Animal is a Football
by Devin Schiff (9/5/2014)

A Few Words from Roscoe’s Italian Eatery and Café’s Human Billboard and Doomsayer
by Peter Harmelin (8/20/2014)

The Owner of Sharky’s Big and Tall By the Beach Addresses Some Nasty Rumors
by Brian Boone (8/11/2014)

I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand
by Lukas Drake (7/8/2014)

A Few Words from the Scientist Who Invented Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
by David Ng (6/26/2014)

A Bear Explains How to Survive a Bear Attack
by Janelle Blasdel (6/23/2014)

I Feel Like I’m the Only One Who’s Trying to Get This Narcissist Support Group Off the Ground
by Dan Rozier (6/16/2014)

Hi, I’m the New Guy With a Really Bad Cold
by Bret Gunter (6/5/2014)

The Toothbrush You Just Threw Away Has Some Questions About the Seven 12-oz. Mountain Dews in Your Trash
by Nate Dern (5/29/2014)

A Traffic Report Interrupted By a Stolen Sandwich Interrupted By a Jackknifed Tractor Trailer Hauling Mannequins Interrupted By a Midlife Crisis
by Jon Methven (5/12/2014)

Yes Girl, I’m a Yupster
by Kashana Cauley (4/30/2014)

I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys
by Chris Brotzman (4/22/2014)

The Holy Spirit Reacts to Jesus Sitting At the Right Hand of The Father
by Conor James McKeon (4/18/2014)

An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her Taxes
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)

This Authentic Food is Delicious, But I Think My Mouth is On Fire
by Josh Freedman (3/31/2014)

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
by Chris Brotzman (3/26/2014)

I Should Get the First Lifeboat Because I Am In Advertising
by Brian Cullen (3/13/2014)

Henry David Thoreau Can’t Take Much More of These Goddamn Steam Whistles
by Coleman Larkin (2/26/2014)

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans
by Alex Rosenfeld (2/18/2014)

A Puppy Bowl Coach’s Pre-Game Locker Room Speech
by Lindsay Dale (1/31/2014)

Noted Sociologist Elemér Hankiss Serves You Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins
by Kyle York (1/24/2014)

I’m Just a Fucking Cat
by Patricia Robinson (1/6/2014)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas PartyUpdated
by Grace Bello (12/23/2013)

I’m the Best Story Idea You’ve Ever Had
by Jason Hayes (12/19/2013)

Thornton Wilder at 15
by Shannon Reed (12/18/2013)

Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)

A Turkey Has a Few Words to Say About Turduckens
by Nick Mickowski (11/27/2013)

Selfie’s Word of the Year Acceptance Speech
by Rachel Callman (11/21/2013)

Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead Of Frankenstein
by Colin Nissan (10/31/2013)

I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
by Keaton Patti (10/24/2013)

I am Clarence Fahnestock Memorial State Park, and This Government Shutdown is My Time to Shine
by Rob Kleckner (10/3/2013)

A High School Chemistry Teacher Pitches a Product to Investors
by Liz Arcury (8/8/2013)

The Coach of the Youth Basketball Team That Sells Candy on the Subway Breaks Some Bad News
by David Hill (7/31/2013)

A Difficult Second Album Meets its Band
by Kris Swales (7/25/2013)

Your First Short Story Speaks
by Peter Kispert (7/11/2013)

The Higgs Boson Calls a Press Conference
by Sarah Rosenshine (6/21/2013)

A Business Card Laments
by Megan Cohen and Sam Bertken (6/12/2013)

I’m Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, King of the Fucking Sea
by Jack Loftus (5/29/2013)

A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)

A Few Words From a Genetically Modified Eggplant
by Eric Hague (5/7/2013)

Terrence Malick at the Delicatessen
by Chris Okum (4/15/2013)

A Government Wasteocrat Comes Clean
by James Folta (4/2/2013)

White House Press Secretary Has a Few Words About the Secret Kill List
by Alex Kane (2/26/2013)

Grandson, I Lied When I Said I Hurt My Knee in the War; It Happened During an Improv Scene
by Spencer Ham (2/12/2013)

A Farewell Speech From the Monopoly Iron
by Kate Hahn (2/8/2013)

The Half-Priced Hypnotist
by Bekah Grim (2/7/2013)

Pat Sajak Tries to Talk Himself Into Going to Work Again
by Jory John (1/29/2013)

Chuck Hammersmith: Rock ’n’ Roll Copy Editor
by Tommy Morgan, Jr. (1/22/2013)

We Are the Feet of the People Whose Holiday Card You Received Last Week
by Kendra Stanton Lee (12/17/2012)

I’m Delighted to Be an Extra in a Rap Video
by Max Lakin (12/3/2012)

A Tour Guide Attempts to Salvage His Lecture On a Series of Recently Vandalized Cave Paintings
by Django Gold (11/15/2012)

A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points
by Miles Kahn (11/2/2012)

Hark! I Am Obama—Slayer of Jobs!
by Eric Hague (10/24/2012)

Allow Me to Evade That Specific Policy Question With Sweeping Generalizations About America
by Josh Freedman (10/15/2012)

Please Don’t Raise My Benevolent Billionaire Employer’s Taxes
by Alex Kane (9/25/2012)

Your Former High School Health Teacher Sets You Straight About Menopause
by Julie Shain (9/18/2012)

A Teenager Tries to Make the Best of Hosting Her Middle-Ages Themed Party at the Same Time as Her Older Brother’s Lacrosse Team’s Kegger
by Jen Spyra (9/12/2012)

I Am Selling Candy for My Basketball Team or My Conceptual Art Project
by David Hart (9/4/2012)

Paul Ryan Details His Plan for Post-Bowling Drinks
by Rob Curran (8/27/2012)

An Overeager New Dad Celebrates the Birth of His Son
by Stephen Ornes (8/6/2012)

My Semester Abroad Gives Me Ownership of this Cultural Event
by Eric Noah Feldman (7/31/2012)

The Man Who Tripped and Fell in His Living Room One Afternoon and Died
by Jaylee Alde (7/23/2012)

I am Young, Vapid, and Want to Complain
by Genevieve Bentz (7/16/2012)

No Matter How You Slice it, We’ve Been Stuck in This Elevator for Three Days
by John Purcell (7/10/2012)

A Mayoral Candidate Explains His Behavior at Last Night’s Debate
by Jamie Brew (6/25/2012)

An Antelope from The Lion King Wonders Why He Was Invited to the Celebration of Simba’s Birth
by Fabian Lapham (6/18/2012)

Salvador Dali, Wedding Photographer
by Julia McCloy (6/11/2012)

A Classmate Has Some Notes About the Psychedelic-Mushroom Scene in Your Short Story
by Andrea Uptmor (6/5/2012)

Willy Loman Contemplates Twittercide
by Jason Edward Harrington (5/29/2012)

A Frustrated Chief Executive Engineer Addresses His Staff Entirely Composed of Disney Imagineers
by Liz Arcury (5/15/2012)

A Failed Chef Has an Epiphany
by Shawn Bowers (5/7/2012)

Ralph Waldo Emerson Pitches the Snuggie on the Home Shopping Network
by Mira Hayward (3/29/2012)

An All-American Percussionist’s Post-NCAA Tournament Game Recap
by Spencer Hyde (3/22/2012)

An Abstinence Coach Struggles with Analogy
by Ross Murray (2/22/2012)

My Wife Critiques My Plan to Quit My Job and Write the Next Horror Franchise
by Jon Methven (2/13/2012)

I’ll Be Knocking Out Beautiful Poetry This Whole Goddamn Flight
by Sean Adams (2/8/2012)

Exit Row Instructions for Passengers On the Space Ark
by Jon Korn (1/31/2012)

Thank You, Small Section of This Country That I Temporarily Cared About
by Jeremy Blachman (1/23/2012)

Mitt Romney’s Haircut Will Not Be Denied
by Jesse Adelman (1/10/2012)

Paula Cole Still Wonders Where All the Cowboys Have Gone
by Luke Kelly-Clyne (11/16/2011)

Yet Another Unnecessarily Long Monologue By a Supervillain as He Prepares to Kill His Nemesis
by Claire Zulkey (10/12/2011)

Aging Action Star Loses His Edge
by Christian Lynch (9/28/2011)

A Screenwriter Wonders How the Hell He’s Going to Come Up With an Original Plot for a New Episode of Law & Order: SVU
by Amanda Waas (9/21/2011)

An Emerging Adult’s Plea for Sanity
by Karin Hammerberg (8/31/2011)

A Representative for Dove’s New Line of Men’s Body Soap Asks For a Bit of Your Time
by Matthew Latkiewicz (8/17/2011)

The Writer of a Cat Food Commercial Confronts a Focus Group
by Mike Gallagher (8/2/2011)

A Timid Ghost Requests Help Exacting Vengeance
by Josh Gondelman (7/13/2011)

A Teenage Philosopher Defends Missing Her Curfew
by Haley Joelle Ott (6/29/2011)

A Woman, Returning to the Workforce After Having Children, Answers a STAR Behavioral Assessment Job Interview Question
by Laura Tokie (6/22/2011)

Virginia Woolf, Realtor, Invents the Mother-in-Law Suite
by Jessica Probus (6/7/2011)

Friedrich Nietzsche, Chain-Restaurant Bartender
by Nick Kolakowski (5/31/2011)

Equivocating Economist Gives Forecast
by Bob Brody (4/11/2011)

A Management Consultant Draws Upon His Life Experience to Illustrate a Point
by Cherokee Conklin (3/29/2011)

A Self-Published Author Addresses the Small Gathering at the Launch Party for Her Memoir
by Rupinder Gill (3/22/2011)

I’m Not a Telemarketer; I’m an Artist
by Jilly Gagnon (3/15/2011)

The King’s Other Speech
by Rob Curran (2/28/2011)

A Man Addresses His Fiancée After a Valium and Wood Chopping Incident
by Jonathan Kime (2/16/2011)

A Senator Brings The Necronomicon to His Filibuster
by Charlie Stockman (2/10/2011)

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