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Short Imagined Monologues

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Send your short imagined monologues to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.

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The Holy Spirit Reacts to Jesus Sitting At the Right Hand of The FatherNew
by Conor James McKeon (4/18/2014)

An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her TaxesNew
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)

This Authentic Food is Delicious, But I Think My Mouth is On Fire
by Josh Freedman (3/31/2014)

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
by Chris Brotzman (3/26/2014)

I Should Get the First Lifeboat Because I Am In Advertising
by Brian Cullen (3/13/2014)

Henry David Thoreau Can’t Take Much More of These Goddamn Steam Whistles
by Coleman Larkin (2/26/2014)

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans
by Alex Rosenfeld (2/18/2014)

A Puppy Bowl Coach’s Pre-Game Locker Room Speech
by Lindsay Dale (1/31/2014)

Noted Sociologist Elemér Hankiss Serves You Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins
by Kyle York (1/24/2014)

I’m Just a Fucking Cat
by Patricia Robinson (1/6/2014)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas PartyUpdated
by Grace Bello (12/23/2013)

I’m the Best Story Idea You’ve Ever Had
by Jason Hayes (12/19/2013)

Thornton Wilder at 15
by Shannon Reed (12/18/2013)

Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)

A Turkey Has a Few Words to Say About Turduckens
by Nick Mickowski (11/27/2013)

Selfie’s Word of the Year Acceptance Speech
by Rachel Callman (11/21/2013)

Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead Of Frankenstein
by Colin Nissan (10/31/2013)

I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
by Keaton Patti (10/24/2013)

I am Clarence Fahnestock Memorial State Park, and This Government Shutdown is My Time to Shine
by Rob Kleckner (10/3/2013)

A High School Chemistry Teacher Pitches a Product to Investors
by Liz Arcury (8/8/2013)

The Coach of the Youth Basketball Team That Sells Candy on the Subway Breaks Some Bad News
by David Hill (7/31/2013)

A Difficult Second Album Meets its Band
by Kris Swales (7/25/2013)

Your First Short Story Speaks
by Peter Kispert (7/11/2013)

The Higgs Boson Calls a Press Conference
by Sarah Rosenshine (6/21/2013)

A Business Card Laments
by Megan Cohen and Sam Bertken (6/12/2013)

I’m Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, King of the Fucking Sea
by Jack Loftus (5/29/2013)

A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)

A Few Words From a Genetically Modified Eggplant
by Eric Hague (5/7/2013)

Terrence Malick at the Delicatessen
by Chris Okum (4/15/2013)

A Government Wasteocrat Comes Clean
by James Folta (4/2/2013)

White House Press Secretary Has a Few Words About the Secret Kill List
by Alex Kane (2/26/2013)

Grandson, I Lied When I Said I Hurt My Knee in the War; It Happened During an Improv Scene
by Spencer Ham (2/12/2013)

A Farewell Speech From the Monopoly Iron
by Kate Hahn (2/8/2013)

The Half-Priced Hypnotist
by Bekah Grim (2/7/2013)

Pat Sajak Tries to Talk Himself Into Going to Work Again
by Jory John (1/29/2013)

Chuck Hammersmith: Rock ’n’ Roll Copy Editor
by Tommy Morgan, Jr. (1/22/2013)

We Are the Feet of the People Whose Holiday Card You Received Last Week
by Kendra Stanton Lee (12/17/2012)

I’m Delighted to Be an Extra in a Rap Video
by Max Lakin (12/3/2012)

A Tour Guide Attempts to Salvage His Lecture On a Series of Recently Vandalized Cave Paintings
by Django Gold (11/15/2012)

A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points
by Miles Kahn (11/2/2012)

Hark! I Am Obama—Slayer of Jobs!
by Eric Hague (10/24/2012)

Allow Me to Evade That Specific Policy Question With Sweeping Generalizations About America
by Josh Freedman (10/15/2012)

Please Don’t Raise My Benevolent Billionaire Employer’s Taxes
by Alex Kane (9/25/2012)

Your Former High School Health Teacher Sets You Straight About Menopause
by Julie Shain (9/18/2012)

A Teenager Tries to Make the Best of Hosting Her Middle-Ages Themed Party at the Same Time as Her Older Brother’s Lacrosse Team’s Kegger
by Jen Spyra (9/12/2012)

I Am Selling Candy for My Basketball Team or My Conceptual Art Project
by David Hart (9/4/2012)

Paul Ryan Details His Plan for Post-Bowling Drinks
by Rob Curran (8/27/2012)

An Overeager New Dad Celebrates the Birth of His Son
by Stephen Ornes (8/6/2012)

My Semester Abroad Gives Me Ownership of this Cultural Event
by Eric Noah Feldman (7/31/2012)

The Man Who Tripped and Fell in His Living Room One Afternoon and Died
by Jaylee Alde (7/23/2012)

I am Young, Vapid, and Want to Complain
by Genevieve Bentz (7/16/2012)

No Matter How You Slice it, We’ve Been Stuck in This Elevator for Three Days
by John Purcell (7/10/2012)

A Mayoral Candidate Explains His Behavior at Last Night’s Debate
by Jamie Brew (6/25/2012)

An Antelope from The Lion King Wonders Why He Was Invited to the Celebration of Simba’s Birth
by Fabian Lapham (6/18/2012)

Salvador Dali, Wedding Photographer
by Julia McCloy (6/11/2012)

A Classmate Has Some Notes About the Psychedelic-Mushroom Scene in Your Short Story
by Andrea Uptmor (6/5/2012)

Willy Loman Contemplates Twittercide
by Jason Edward Harrington (5/29/2012)

A Frustrated Chief Executive Engineer Addresses His Staff Entirely Composed of Disney Imagineers
by Liz Arcury (5/15/2012)

A Failed Chef Has an Epiphany
by Shawn Bowers (5/7/2012)

Ralph Waldo Emerson Pitches the Snuggie on the Home Shopping Network
by Mira Hayward (3/29/2012)

An All-American Percussionist’s Post-NCAA Tournament Game Recap
by Spencer Hyde (3/22/2012)

An Abstinence Coach Struggles with Analogy
by Ross Murray (2/22/2012)

My Wife Critiques My Plan to Quit My Job and Write the Next Horror Franchise
by Jon Methven (2/13/2012)

I’ll Be Knocking Out Beautiful Poetry This Whole Goddamn Flight
by Sean Adams (2/8/2012)

Exit Row Instructions for Passengers On the Space Ark
by Jon Korn (1/31/2012)

Thank You, Small Section of This Country That I Temporarily Cared About
by Jeremy Blachman (1/23/2012)

Mitt Romney’s Haircut Will Not Be Denied
by Jesse Adelman (1/10/2012)

Paula Cole Still Wonders Where All the Cowboys Have Gone
by Luke Kelly-Clyne (11/16/2011)

Yet Another Unnecessarily Long Monologue By a Supervillain as He Prepares to Kill His Nemesis
by Claire Zulkey (10/12/2011)

Aging Action Star Loses His Edge
by Christian Lynch (9/28/2011)

A Screenwriter Wonders How the Hell He’s Going to Come Up With an Original Plot for a New Episode of Law & Order: SVU
by Amanda Waas (9/21/2011)

An Emerging Adult’s Plea for Sanity
by Karin Hammerberg (8/31/2011)

A Representative for Dove’s New Line of Men’s Body Soap Asks For a Bit of Your Time
by Matthew Latkiewicz (8/17/2011)

The Writer of a Cat Food Commercial Confronts a Focus Group
by Mike Gallagher (8/2/2011)

A Timid Ghost Requests Help Exacting Vengeance
by Josh Gondelman (7/13/2011)

A Teenage Philosopher Defends Missing Her Curfew
by Haley Joelle Ott (6/29/2011)

A Woman, Returning to the Workforce After Having Children, Answers a STAR Behavioral Assessment Job Interview Question
by Laura Tokie (6/22/2011)

Virginia Woolf, Realtor, Invents the Mother-in-Law Suite
by Jessica Probus (6/7/2011)

Friedrich Nietzsche, Chain-Restaurant Bartender
by Nick Kolakowski (5/31/2011)

Equivocating Economist Gives Forecast
by Bob Brody (4/11/2011)

A Management Consultant Draws Upon His Life Experience to Illustrate a Point
by Cherokee Conklin (3/29/2011)

A Self-Published Author Addresses the Small Gathering at the Launch Party for Her Memoir
by Rupinder Gill (3/22/2011)

I’m Not a Telemarketer; I’m an Artist
by Jilly Gagnon (3/15/2011)

The King’s Other Speech
by Rob Curran (2/28/2011)

A Man Addresses His Fiancée After a Valium and Wood Chopping Incident
by Jonathan Kime (2/16/2011)

A Senator Brings The Necronomicon to His Filibuster
by Charlie Stockman (2/10/2011)

The Towelman’s Concern
by Faith Gardner (1/25/2011)

Spider-Man Speaks At Career Day
by Rick Stoeckel (1/4/2011)

The Word Dude Reflects On Its Steady Decline from Keeping Company with Rakish 19th Century Dandies to Its Demeaning Modern Day Role as Filler for Light Beer Commercials
by Jack Loftus (12/14/2010)

An Air Traffic Controller Instructs a Flight Attendant Through an Emergency Takeoff
by Eli Terry (12/3/2010)

The Cost Plus World Market Buyer in Charge of Epicurean Imports Addresses Shareholders
by Janet Manley (11/27/2010)

A Guy Tries to Convince His Father to Move Into a Mausoleum With Him
by Alina Simone (11/17/2010)

A Mother Who’s Taking Psychology 101 at Her Local Adult Continuing Education Center Comforts Her Son at Bedtime
by Jilly Gagnon (11/13/2010)

A Disgraced Congressman Apologizes for His Recent Poor Choices of Costumes
by S. Craig Renfroe (10/29/2010)

A Tibetan Buddhist Monk Tries to Figure Out Who Stole a Rock from His Zen Garden
by Julia Young and Zachary Smilovitz (10/28/2010)

A Disgruntled Men’s Cologne Speaks Its Piece
by Raymond Gianfrancesco (10/27/2010)

A Ketchup Company Executive Would Like to Clarify the Conversation He Had With His Fellow Co-workers About Blowing Up Their Rival’s Ketchup Factory
by Seth Reiss (10/26/2010)

I, Hang in There Kitty, Am Pretty Sure This Will Be the Day That I Finally Fall to My Death
by Julia McCloy (10/25/2010)

I Am the Invisible Thing That Holds Together the Two Halves of a Compound Word
by Ben Greenman (10/1/2010)

The Artist Plays Basketball
by Kevin Haworth (9/21/2010)

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