Short Imagined Monologues

- - - -

Send your short imagined monologues to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.

- - - -
Mr. McGee Sits Down With Part-Time Employee Prince to Discuss His Performance Review
by Erik Evenson (7/21/2015)

John Connor Testifies Against the Trans-Pacific Partnership
by Jeff Nussbaum (7/1/2015)

I’ve Been Kenyan This Whole Time, Everybody
by Pete Reynolds (6/29/2015)

Your Talking Car Comes Clean
by Matthew Schmid (6/25/2015)

Remember, Guys: We Make Clickbait for Teenagers on the Internet!
by Steven Aleck (6/16/2015)

The Valedictorian of a For-Profit Online University Addresses the Graduating Class
by Alex Edelman and Annie Wyman (6/11/2015)

Dickon Lets Mary in On the Secret of The Secret Garden
by Olga Oksman (6/9/2015)

Let Me Promote Your Brand and Create Your Social Ecosystem Through the Humble Power of Storytelling
by Sarah Beller (6/2/2015)

A Guy Who Overestimated Swine Flu Emerges From His Bunker
by Lev Novak (5/27/2015)

I’m Not Going to Teleport to Stop & Shop Just Because You Are Out of Contact Lens Solution
by Curtis Edmonds (5/20/2015)

The Hamburglar Speaks
by Rupinder Gill (5/7/2015)

God Laments His NCAA Tournament Bracket
by Theodore Johnston (4/6/2015)

Robespierre, the Insult Comic Who Works Only With Esoteric Art References
by Wayne Gladstone (3/12/2015)

I’m America’s Latest Politically Divisive Issue
by Chris Brotzman (3/10/2015)

Michel Foucault Complains to His Building’s Super
by Olivia Ciacci (3/4/2015)

Jesus Christ Tells His Parents He Wants to Pursue a Career in Comedy
by James Greb (2/24/2015)

T.S. Eliot Sees Cats for the First Time
by AT Barnes (2/17/2015)

A Quick Update from Your Late Irregular Period
by Lyndsey Reese (2/4/2015)

I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)

I am the Fucking Managing Editor of the Weather.com Homepage
by Ariel Pressman (1/27/2015)

This Conversation is a Series of Gratuitous References to Validate My Intelligence to You
by Zack Bornstein (1/20/2015)

The Creator of Truck Nutz On What Inspired His Invention
by Katy Yeiser (1/5/2015)

I’m Just a Fucking Cat
by Patricia Robinson (12/30/2014)

Noted Social Psychologist George Herbert Mead Analyzes Ugly Sweater Parties
by Kathryn Doyle (12/22/2014)

Serial’s Sarah Koenig On Santa’s Alleged Hit-and-Run Murder of Grandma
by Spencer Ham (12/18/2014)

Lance Kilmartin, the Yankee Candle Company’s Lead Scent Architect, is Going Through a Rough Patch at Work
by M. Miller Davis (12/15/2014)

I Am a Police Officer Whose Use of Lethal Force is Perfectly Consistent
by C.L. Mah (12/11/2014)

A Stay-at-Home Dad’s Promise to His Son
by David Blake Fischer (12/10/2014)

Peter Pan’s Middle School Assembly D.A.R.E. Speech
by Olga Oksman (11/5/2014)

The Reality You Must Accept Upon Setting Foot in My Chipotle
by Wesley Browne (10/29/2014)

Hester Prynne Hosts a Nail Art Party
by Laura Spadanuta (10/17/2014)

The Stand-In Cannon Player for Last Week’s Performance of Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture” Apologizes
by Rowan Hudson (10/10/2014)

I Am Gary, Your Bed, Bath and Beyond Sherpa
by Jen Winston (10/1/2014)

The Split Infinitive Begs for Mercy
by Paco Francoli (9/26/2014)

Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)

Alexander Graham Bell Has Had Just About Enough of Your Shit
by Charlie Stockman (9/16/2014)

Botticelli’s Venus Wants You to Go Away
by Kate Hahn (9/12/2014)

Yeah, Well the Weather Doesn’t Want to Talk About You Either
by Sam Corrao Clanon (9/9/2014)

Tennessee Titans’ Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt’s Spirit Animal is a Football
by Devin Schiff (9/5/2014)

A Few Words from Roscoe’s Italian Eatery and Café’s Human Billboard and Doomsayer
by Peter Harmelin (8/20/2014)

The Owner of Sharky’s Big and Tall By the Beach Addresses Some Nasty Rumors
by Brian Boone (8/11/2014)

I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand
by Lukas Drake (7/8/2014)

A Few Words from the Scientist Who Invented Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
by David Ng (6/26/2014)

A Bear Explains How to Survive a Bear Attack
by Janelle Blasdel (6/23/2014)

I Feel Like I’m the Only One Who’s Trying to Get This Narcissist Support Group Off the Ground
by Dan Rozier (6/16/2014)

Hi, I’m the New Guy With a Really Bad Cold
by Bret Gunter (6/5/2014)

The Toothbrush You Just Threw Away Has Some Questions About the Seven 12-oz. Mountain Dews in Your Trash
by Nate Dern (5/29/2014)

A Traffic Report Interrupted By a Stolen Sandwich Interrupted By a Jackknifed Tractor Trailer Hauling Mannequins Interrupted By a Midlife Crisis
by Jon Methven (5/12/2014)

Yes Girl, I’m a Yupster
by Kashana Cauley (4/30/2014)

I’m a 4-Billion-Year-Old Microbe On an Asteroid Heading Straight Toward Earth and I’m So Excited to Hang Out, You Guys
by Chris Brotzman (4/22/2014)

The Holy Spirit Reacts to Jesus Sitting At the Right Hand of The Father
by Conor James McKeon (4/18/2014)

An Accountant Helps a Manic Pixie Dream Girl With Her Taxes
by Maura Quint (4/15/2014)

This Authentic Food is Delicious, But I Think My Mouth is On Fire
by Josh Freedman (3/31/2014)

Hey Everyone, I’m Going to Have a Loud Phone Conversation On This Crowded Bus
by Chris Brotzman (3/26/2014)

I Should Get the First Lifeboat Because I Am In Advertising
by Brian Cullen (3/13/2014)

Henry David Thoreau Can’t Take Much More of These Goddamn Steam Whistles
by Coleman Larkin (2/26/2014)

The General Manager of the Philadelphia 76ers Apologizes to the Team’s Fans
by Alex Rosenfeld (2/18/2014)

A Puppy Bowl Coach’s Pre-Game Locker Room Speech
by Lindsay Dale (1/31/2014)

Noted Sociologist Elemér Hankiss Serves You Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins
by Kyle York (1/24/2014)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas PartyUpdated
by Grace Bello (12/23/2013)

I’m the Best Story Idea You’ve Ever Had
by Jason Hayes (12/19/2013)

Thornton Wilder at 15
by Shannon Reed (12/18/2013)

Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)

A Turkey Has a Few Words to Say About Turduckens
by Nick Mickowski (11/27/2013)

Selfie’s Word of the Year Acceptance Speech
by Rachel Callman (11/21/2013)

Frankenstein Have Big Night Ahead of Frankenstein
by Colin Nissan (10/31/2013)

I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
by Keaton Patti (10/24/2013)

I am Clarence Fahnestock Memorial State Park, and This Government Shutdown is My Time to Shine
by Rob Kleckner (10/3/2013)

A High School Chemistry Teacher Pitches a Product to Investors
by Liz Arcury (8/8/2013)

The Coach of the Youth Basketball Team That Sells Candy on the Subway Breaks Some Bad News
by David Hill (7/31/2013)

A Difficult Second Album Meets its Band
by Kris Swales (7/25/2013)

Your First Short Story Speaks
by Peter Kispert (7/11/2013)

The Higgs Boson Calls a Press Conference
by Sarah Rosenshine (6/21/2013)

A Business Card Laments
by Megan Cohen and Sam Bertken (6/12/2013)

I’m Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, King of the Fucking Sea
by Jack Loftus (5/29/2013)

A Hypnotized Person Tries to Have Sex With a Chair
by Chris Okum (5/20/2013)

A Few Words From a Genetically Modified Eggplant
by Eric Hague (5/7/2013)

Terrence Malick at the Delicatessen
by Chris Okum (4/15/2013)

A Government Wasteocrat Comes Clean
by James Folta (4/2/2013)

White House Press Secretary Has a Few Words About the Secret Kill List
by Alex Kane (2/26/2013)

Grandson, I Lied When I Said I Hurt My Knee in the War; It Happened During an Improv Scene
by Spencer Ham (2/12/2013)

A Farewell Speech From the Monopoly Iron
by Kate Hahn (2/8/2013)

The Half-Priced Hypnotist
by Bekah Grim (2/7/2013)

Pat Sajak Tries to Talk Himself Into Going to Work Again
by Jory John (1/29/2013)

Chuck Hammersmith: Rock ’n’ Roll Copy Editor
by Tommy Morgan, Jr. (1/22/2013)

We Are the Feet of the People Whose Holiday Card You Received Last Week
by Kendra Stanton Lee (12/17/2012)

I’m Delighted to Be an Extra in a Rap Video
by Max Lakin (12/3/2012)

A Tour Guide Attempts to Salvage His Lecture On a Series of Recently Vandalized Cave Paintings
by Django Gold (11/15/2012)

A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points
by Miles Kahn (11/2/2012)

Hark! I Am Obama—Slayer of Jobs!
by Eric Hague (10/24/2012)

Allow Me to Evade That Specific Policy Question With Sweeping Generalizations About America
by Josh Freedman (10/15/2012)

Please Don’t Raise My Benevolent Billionaire Employer’s Taxes
by Alex Kane (9/25/2012)

Your Former High School Health Teacher Sets You Straight About Menopause
by Julie Shain (9/18/2012)

A Teenager Tries to Make the Best of Hosting Her Middle-Ages Themed Party at the Same Time as Her Older Brother’s Lacrosse Team’s Kegger
by Jen Spyra (9/12/2012)

I Am Selling Candy for My Basketball Team or My Conceptual Art Project
by David Hart (9/4/2012)

Paul Ryan Details His Plan for Post-Bowling Drinks
by Rob Curran (8/27/2012)

An Overeager New Dad Celebrates the Birth of His Son
by Stephen Ornes (8/6/2012)

My Semester Abroad Gives Me Ownership of this Cultural Event
by Eric Noah Feldman (7/31/2012)

The Man Who Tripped and Fell in His Living Room One Afternoon and Died
by Jaylee Alde (7/23/2012)

I am Young, Vapid, and Want to Complain
by Genevieve Bentz (7/16/2012)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.