Hey man, welcome to our brewery. I’m gonna be your draft list today. The first thing you should know about me is this: I’m approachable. I believe beer is for everyone. If that means I’m a draft list without a single beer that tastes like beer, then hell yeah, brother—that’s what it’s all about.
You seem like the type of guy who’s lookin’ to sip on a couple of easy-drinking light brews with the fellas. I bet you even wanna be able to stand up and walk in a straight line when you head out of here. Counter pitch: maybe you don’t?
Listen, I pride myself on my impressive and diverse range of beers, but every single one has an ABV of 7.5 percent or higher. No matter what beer you choose, you better buckle up, my man, because you’re about to black out before the sun sets.
First thing you’re gonna wanna do is check out my super crushable IPAs. I’m talkin’ Double, Triple, Quadruple, Quintuple. West Coast, East Coast, Midwest, Milkshake. Juicy, Hazy, Hazier, Hozier. You name it, I’ve got it. And not just one. I’ve got like three kinds of each of those. This might have you thinking, “Cool, I like a hoppy beer. I understand what these IPAs have to offer.” Here’s the thing: no, you don’t.
Sure, we made a “normal” IPA once. But then we were like, why make a beer that’s enjoyable to drink when we could make a beer that’s not? So now we’re brewin’ with the craziest shit, dude, for real. I’m talkin’ ice cream sandwiches, In-N-Out cheeseburgers, grandma’s rigatoni. If it sounds like a mistake, we’re brewin’ it and we’re callin’ it something like, “I Bet You’ve Never Seen a Penguin Drive a Sportscar.”
If that’s not your vibe, that’s totally cool, because I bet you’ll love our sours. Check it out—we have seventeen different sours, and all of them taste like we milked a Trolli gummy worm. That’s right, we brewed them with lactose. If that’s not enough to get you goin’, I’ve got one word for you: thick. We’re gonna pour you this beer, and you’re gonna think it’s a smoothie. You’re gonna drink it, and you’re still gonna think it’s a smoothie. But it’s not. It’s a beer, technically. It’s 17 percent.
No worries if you’re feelin’ a little less adventurous today, man. I’ve also got twelve different flavored seltzers, three pale ales that all taste like IPAs, and a stout so strong that we’re legally obligated to watch you drink it.
Lastly, I’ve got one lager. It’s super good, suuuper drinkable. It’s the type of lager you crack open on the first warm day of the year, you know what I mean? Imagine this: You’re drinkin’ it out on the patio. The sun is softly shining on your face. It tastes so simple and so awesome, you’re like, “Dude, why don’t people make more beers like this?” but you don’t look into it because you’re busy drinkin’ a beer on the patio, and it’s frickin’ sweet. Unfortunately, I am outta that one right now.
What’s that? A pilsner? Ha ha. Good one. I think what you’re looking for is something we here like to call a “drinkable liquid.” The closest thing we have to that is gonna be a cup of room-temperature water from the tap over there, okay? Awesome. Cheers, brother.