Childhood is a magical time. There are so many new experiences, so many things to do and see. That’s one reason I decided to take Xavier with me to toddler yoga. It’s a safe place to meet other kids, try something new, and have fun. It’s also the perfect place for him to learn how to vanquish his enemies and conquer the entire fucking world. This will be his legacy. This will be my legacy.
We focus a lot on breathing in class. Deep breath in, hold it, and deep breath out. This is known as mindfulness, being present in the moment — a technique used through the centuries by the deadliest fighters in the world. Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar: what they all understood was that when you can control your mind, you can control your opponent, and then destroy them. If your opponent’s smart, they’ll intuit your supreme powers of awareness and cower in fear. If they’re dumb, they will face your wrath until they are eating dirt — the dirt of Hell.
Mind manipulation is only the beginning at Vinyasa Heart Studio. There are also Goldfish snacks. With these cheesy orange monsters, Xavier has learned primitive naval maneuvers that will aid him when seafaring nations attempt to halt his progress with their pitiful attempts at avoiding his pattern-running torpedoes. “Please, sir, sorry about standing in your way, may we please surrender?” captains will ask. Xavier will gaze upon them from the ship’s helm, smirking to himself, before he gives the signal to send in the drones. Xavier is beginning to understand his path, for yesterday he placed a Goldfish on the ground, and he smashed it with his fist.
I am pouring all my resources into Xavier’s life — my money, time, energy, and wisdom — and I will not stop until he is the world’s sole emperor and god-king.
Vinyasa is only the start. Next week, he commences toddler SAT prep, an ancient training course created by Socrates himself to prepare young minds to set logic traps and annihilate hypocrites. Force is nice, and will suit my Xavier well, but why use force when he can use cunning guile? What people subconsciously understand is that technocrats, lawyers, and heirs have no place leading the entire world — only a philosopher-king can do that, who has trained himself to overvault mind snares with the help of a college student named A.J.
Play-based education focused on interacting with the environment in a supportive atmosphere of creative inquiry is the next step on Xavier’s path of complete world domination. When he is in the sandbox at the Harrington School, and another child steals his toy, he will glimpse humanity’s true nature: our hearts are black and the world is one bad winter away from complete anarchy and chaos. But there is hope, too, for secretly we desire to be dominated and controlled. Ideally, by one whom we trust with our lives, one named Xavier.
The path forward will not be easy for him, but I am giving him the best chance by feeding him a local and organic diet. And thus he will learn which of the forest’s offerings he can eat during the necessary stage of being banished from the kingdom. This will likely occur during the cruel, pitiless Reign of Sadie, the two-year-old who performs yoga next to Xavier. She may think that she is taking notes on his psychological pressure points, but in truth it is I who has learned her weaknesses. She gets gassy from dried fruit, and soothing music puts her to sleep. During the dark times, Xavier will regroup in the woodlands, raise an army, and then annihilate Sadie with raisins and quiet muzak.
Xavier will lead with patience, and with athleticism, for next month I am enrolling him in agility class — a course usually reserved for dogs, but they made an exception when I said I’d pay double.