Let’s Bring Those Guinness Records Back Home to America.
BY SAM WEINER
Right now, the World’s Longest Fingernails are sticking out of some fucking Romanian guy. What happened to this country?
Used to be a time when America was number one, but not anymore. Nowadays, you want to see the Widest Nose on a Living Person, you gotta go to Turkey. And pack your god damn suitcase for Canada if you wanna meet the Most Albino Siblings in a Single Family! Did my grandfather live through World War II just so the Guinness for Most Garters Removed With the Teeth could get stolen by some German SOB? If you’re not getting angry, then you’re part of the problem.
Did we stop dreaming? Did we stop reaching for the stars? Did we start reaching for the stars but then stop to forget how to dream? I didn’t. I’m doing my part–I stuck 400 straws in my mouth and held them there for 90 minutes, but apparently my cousin Georgie doesn’t count as an official Guinness witness.
Now I know what you’re thinking:
“But, Sam, Americans just ain’t got no heart no more.”
“But, Sam, Americans forgot how to be winners.”
“But, Sam, stop shouting at me outside this Trader Joe’s.”
Wrong on all counts! From where I’m standing, America is still the best country on Earth. And I’m standing in America.
This is the country that sent a man to the moon! But don’t tell that to France, who ripped the record for Most Stairs Climbed on a Unicycle right out of our fat, complacent hands. And if you get your news only from magazines, newspapers, TV, radio, non-record books, and the Internet, then you probably never even heard about it.
I can’t win ‘em all on my own. I lived with 5,000 scorpions in a glass room for 34 days all while balancing 17 spoons on my face, but I still lost the record to Taiwan’s Kanchana Kekaew because Guinness wouldn’t take my cousin Georgie’s word for it. Probably because he’s mentally handicapped–it makes me sick.
Americans cured polio for chrissakes, but now we’re content to lose the record for World’s Largest Alfajor (the Uruguayan honey-and-almond confection) to Uruguay!
Maybe I’m biased. I am just about the most patriotic person I know. Hell, I cried in 2006 when America was finally awarded the record for Most People Wearing Wigs (Single Venue). So it makes my blood boil to know that the World’s Most Tattooed Senior Citizen–that nasty, Gremlin-looking freak–is as English as King George.
Now I’m not just complaining. I’ve also got solutions. We should be doing it like how the Ruskies do it. They take the best kids from all over their villages and start training ‘em young–gymnastics, chess, underwater pogo-backgammon. Face it, Trader Joe’s shoppers, the Cold War of tomorrow is being fought today! And Uncle Sam is losing–slowly, painfully, and quickly.
Don’t blame me, though. Just last weekend I set the record for Farthest Distance Summersaulted While Dodging the Cars Of the World’s Longest Bumper Car Marathon. Of course, you won’t see it in the Guinness Book because they’re racist against my black, handicapped witness cousin, Georgie.
But, maybe, just maybe, if we put our differences as a nation aside, we can be greatest again. And tallest again. And have the Most Wooden Batons Broken With Spring Loaded Power Stilts in One Minute again. The Italians already ran off with that record, but they’ll never take the record for Most Pride in This Patriot’s Heart. That belongs to America.
SUGGESTED READSPatriotic Songs Reworked For The Modern Age
by Michael J. Weingarth (10/10/2006)
by Randy Cohen (2/2/1999)
A Spoken-Word Poem for America
by Neal Pollack (10/18/2000)
RECENTLYHere at Cline Family Country Cabin, We Do Things a Little Differently
by Jeremiah Tucker (10/31/2014)
Facepalm Pilot — Vijith Assar Explores Intersections of Technology and Stupidity: Are Zombies Racist?
by Vijith Assar (10/31/2014)
List: Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Security Questions for Single, Childless People
by Shannon Reed (10/3/2014)
List: Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)