the New Millennium.
1. Discriminating to Indiscriminate
And Mark Zuckerberg spake unto management minion: Say unto coding minion, prepare thy digits, stretch out thy hand upon the screens of the globe, upon their Macs, upon their PCs, and upon their mobile phones, and upon all their devices with screens, that whatsoever appears upon them may flow instantly, without benefit of forethought, to every other screen on Earth; and that there may be no unshared thought, or experience, or opinion throughout all the world, both in vessels of plastic, and in vessels of titanium.
And the makers of plastic footwear named after reptiles spake: behold, We will smite all thy borders with unnatural clogs: and the designers shall bring forth petroleum-based clogs abundantly, which shall go into thy retail establishments, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy feet, and into the houses of thy class, and upon thy colleagues, and into thy closets, and into thine overnight case: and the clogs shall come up both on thee, and upon thy neighbors, and upon all thy people, and they shall destroy all other foot coverings until none but clogs be left on Earth, thus will there be no style nor any joy in the world, nor any work for shoelace makers.
3. Celebrity Advice
And the Kardashian said, no matter may be decided by the common people––be it brand of dust mop, type of lice-killing shampoo, fragrance of body spray, or gender of extra-marital lover––without first consulting at least three celebrity websites, blogs, magazine profiles, self-help books, or a 97.5 percent staged reality program.
And the elastic waistband lobby said, behold, We will send swarms of fries upon thee, and upon thy friends, and upon thy people, and into their houses: and even as thee lift a portion of grain, or fruit, or vegetable to thy mouth shall it transform into fries, and the bellies and arteries of all people shall be full with swarms of fries such that they will have much trouble to get up from the ground whereon they are.
5. Livestock Mad
Behold, the hand of the factory farm mafia is upon thy cattle which was once in the field but is now shut up in the airless dark––awash in the effluvia of its own body, force fed the corn of vermin, and tumefied by thy toxicants––upon the chickens, upon the lambs, and upon the swine: there shall be a very grievous murrain. And beware, for we the Beef People have sued thine Oprah, and will tie up and break in the courts all who say that which hurts our feelings (profits) no matter how true.
Behold, GOP has spoken: no matter that ash of the furnace has spewed toward the heavens, and has become small dust in all the land of Earth, and shall be a boil breaking forth with blains upon man, and upon beast, and entering into their throats and lungs, and therein making pestilent boils to choke man and beast throughout all the land of Earth, for thy Bachmann and thy Newt shall “padlock the Environmental Protection Agency’s doors,” and thy Texan shall “impose an immediate moratorium on environmental regulation,” and thy Pizza Lord would put thy environment “in the hands of an independent commission that includes oil and gas executives.”
7. Thunder and Hail
Behold, spake the Koch brothers, tomorrow about this time we will cause it to rain a very grievous hail, such as hath not been in these regions since the foundation thereof even until now. Such a feat will not tax our strength as once it would have when the lands were less warm, which is most certainly NOT a result of activities of man as our partners at Exxon and the scientists we pay shall attest.
And after the hail shall come the locusts, fire ants, and sex organ burrowing beetles of the tropics into thy temperate coast: and they shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth; and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the hail, and shall eat every tree which groweth for you out of the field. Also, they shall fly into thy ears, and all thine orifices which shall cause thee to jump about and emit high-pitched shrieks, for they are super icky, and slimy, and sometimes poisonous. Also, thy bug-killing potions are like candy to them.
And the homophobes and bigots cried unto thy libraries and made an illustrated children’s book about the true story of a pair of male penguins in love who raise a chick, And Tango Makes Three, the most frequently challenged book of 2010. The director of thine American Library Association explains that “challenges do not simply involve a person expressing a point of view; rather, they are an attempt to remove material from the curriculum or library, thereby restricting the access of others.” And the worshippers of darkness would also remove thy books with vampires, poor people, sex education, Native Americans, and all who would push their agendas on the god-fearing who rightly ask, “what need have we for all these confusing books when we have the bible and on-line porn?
And the NRA spake: guns do not kill people, sometimes, for there are evil laws in the land that limit the number of bullets that may be fired in rapid, effortless succession without reloading, and evil laws that make it difficult for some of our people to acquire guns over some niggling crime or mental instability in their past. So shall we reach out or potassium nitrate stained hand that every soul upon the earth shall be armed with multiple military-grade, concealable weapons. Yet true believers must needs be marked by our Grace as Select above the rabble, thus shall we award each of the Select with the same Glock raffled off recently by thy Republican Party of Pima County, Arizona. This is nearly identical to the Glock used to shoot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in the very same county, so you know it works. Remember, freedom is best when it is at least semi-automatic.
SUGGESTED READSIt’s A Lucky Thing For Stem Cell Research That The Following Passages Aren’t In The Bible
by David Ng (1/12/2005)
The Gospel According to His Good Friend Dennis
by Rich Cohen (1/12/2010)
by Matthew Roberson (3/31/2010)
RECENTLYWe’re 3-D Printing Chipmunks Into the Newsroom and Streaming It On Facebook Live!
by Jon Methven (6/27/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 8 Things Stay-at-Home Moms Named Sasha Think About
by Rufi Thorpe (6/27/2016)
Monologue: Welcome to My Food Sedan!
by Ben Dalton (6/27/2016)
POPULARList: Classic Stepdad Jokes
by Brian Polk and Kathleen Chen (6/17/2016)
No, I Don’t Dislike the New Ghostbusters Movie Because I Hate Women — It’s Because I Strongly Believe In Hollywood Finance Reform
by Samuel Priest (6/15/2016)
List: 10 Billy Joel Song Titles That Are Also Answers You Give to the Insurance Adjuster Who Suspects You and Your Associates of Arson
by Gustavo Turner (6/15/2016)