OMFG. For real, I just can’t even right now! I mean, it makes total sense, but Word of The Year? That’s such an honor. This really means a lot to me—#nofilter. Especially because there were some great words this year. I mean, I did this the hard way though, with dedication and God. Not all of us can say that. I’m looking at you, Twerk.
But Tweeps? You were on my level the whole way up. I partially have my Tweeps to thank for WINNING this thing. Without all of you ignoring your friends and family and just focusing on getting that one perfect, tweet-ready shot of just yourself, where would I be? Probably in a garbage bag instead of a hashtag, amiright?
All kidding aside, it really is amazing to be up here tonight, looking down at company I never thought I’d be in, like GIF, he’s in the audience and he literally cannot sit still. It really is amazing. And though it might not seem like it, because some have called me a hero, I really am humble.
They do have a point though. See, it was just a few years ago people would spend hours getting ready to go out, just to go to a dark club where no one would see how perfectly their lip gloss matched the bra under their see-through shirt. What did this lead to? It lead to America’s number one killer: depression. And I single-handedly pulled these souls out of their despair and literally gave them a reason to get dressed in the morning. A reason to put on gym clothes. A reason to pucker up and get their duck on, for crying out loud. (Dodges a wine glass.) Oh come on, I’m sorry Facebook, but don’t get your Depends in a twist. Times are changing and you aren’t really keeping up. But hey, I will admit that you were an original at one point, so no hard feelings, #followforfollow man.
Let’s move on, I have quite a few thank yous to dole out and I already hear the muzak starting up.
I’d like go back for a minute and thank online dating sites, who really helped me break on the scene back when I was known just as Bathroom Selfie. Laugh all you want. I came up from the bottom. Holler back, Drake. So all of you shirtless men out there, thank you so much for taking all of that time trying to get the perfect angle in the bathroom mirror, where it looks like one might almost just barely see your naughty bits.
And traffic, boredom, working out, loneliness, I know you all get a bad rap, but we’re cool. You’ve really been supportive too.
But of course, I’ve saved the best for last, my dear Instagram. (Holds hands over heart.) In. Sta. Gram. OMFG. You. If I needed a soulmate, it would be you. Every meaningful #throwbackthursday I have is with you, my friend. If it weren’t for you and our late nights with the Kardashians and Rihanna, I don’t even know where I would be. I mean, probably still here, but a word needs biffles. #Instalove to you all.
Oh, looks like I really have gone over the time limit. Just real quick, digital cameras, smart phones, photobooth—you guys rock! If I could just ask the escorts to step out of the frame really quickly, need to get a shot of myself up here. Perfect #picoftheday. Thanks!