The Consumer Product Safety Commission Has Issued a Voluntary Recall for “Baby Boomers.”
BY JOHN FLOWERS
The Consumer Product Safety Commission and the makers of “Baby Boomers” are issuing a voluntary recall for all persons born between the years 1946 and 1964. Consumers should stop using these devices as elected officials, executives, educators, economists, analysts and authorities on any subject of any kind.
Name of Product: Baby Boomers
Units: About 70 million
Manufacturer: The Greatest Generation
Hazard: A software glitch is causing the device to get stuck in “expert” mode. This can lead to performance issues as well as compatibility problems, particularly with other Baby Boomers. The product also has a tendency to remember things as they never were and ask, “Why not?”
Incidents/Injuries: The device’s alarm goes off at all hours of the day, due to a design flaw that results from connecting it to the cable news and talk radio feeds. Attempts to disable the alarm only trigger the “You’re Attempting to Disable the Alarm” alarm, also a design flaw.
There are also a number of errors in some of the pre-loaded educational and business software. The section on literature, for instance, often mistakes song lyrics for poetry, and the units on geometry and film both confuse length with depth. Also, the device’s version of Quicken uses a faulty, non-GAAP measure of household income and debt called “Earnings Before Accounting” (EBA), and users report the device can explode if placed near an open flame or large piles of other people’s money. Furthermore, while Baby Boomers enjoy a premium sound system, its sound card seems only able to play the The Big Chill soundtrack.
Consumers who purchase the product may be under a false impression their device is in working order, as the System Diagnostics Test is a subroutine of the Confirmation Bias Program. And while a byproduct created by some Baby Boomers is generally thought to be non-toxic (see, “Hipster Recall”), the expense associated with its upkeep grows with age.
Reports that the device has absorbed Jeff Bridges into its mainframe in order to secure its lust for power currently are being investigated. Please contact Bruce Boxleitner if you are worried this may have happened with your device.
Description: Product currently comes in gray or white with extra padding.
Sold on: Anything with the word “Kennedy” in it.
Remedy: Consumers should stop using the product immediately and contact The Greatest Generation for a full refund or, failing that, a bigger check for their birthday.
SUGGESTED READSThe Top Ten Censored Press Releases of 1998, No. 8
by McSweeney's Editors (1/27/1999)
List: Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
by Joshua Seely (5/7/2004)
Barbie is a Product of Her Environment
by Jan Edwards (11/30/2010)
RECENTLYCat Performance Review
by Kendra Eash (9/18/2014)
An Excerpt from Cabinet Magazine, in Honor of the McSweeney’s/Cabinet Combo Subscription
by Katherine Hunt (9/18/2014)
826 Chicago at Pitchfork: Twin Peaks Talks Breaking a Leg, Blu-rays and, Band Advice
by 826 Chicago (9/18/2014)
POPULARClassic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)