[Originally published January 31, 2014.]

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ANNOUNCER #1: He’s broken free, he sprints past the 30 yard line–-

ANNOUNCER #2 : 30 yard line sponsored by Arby’s!

ANNOUNCER #1: He’s to the 15–-

ANNOUNCER #2: Brought to you by FedEx!

ANNOUNCER #1: And into the end zone!

ANNOUNCER #2: Made possible by Doritos!

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ANNOUNCER #2: Now, it’s hard to tell at exactly what point the Chevrolet Volt decal falls off the game ball.

ANNOUNCER #1: You can see [points] the “2.3% APR” hit the ground right there.

ANNOUNCER #2: But is it enough to overturn the call?

ANNOUNCER #1: The only thing we can say for sure is Chevy is the most trusted name in cars.

ANNOUNCER #2: True.

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ANNOUNCER #1: Here comes the referee.

[Referee runs onto the field, switches on microphone.]

REFEREE: There is no foul on the play. Just warm holiday wishes from our friends at John Deere.

ANNOUNCER #1: Another great call.

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ANNOUNCER #1: AND HE COULD GO ALL. THE. WAY. INTO. TARGET. AND. GET. HALF OFF. ON. FEATURED. ITEMS. THIS. COMING. WEEK!

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ANNOUNCER #1: And Pro Bowl running back GEICO Jones has now rushed for over 100 yards.

ANNOUNCER #2: This guy bears almost no resemblance to the State-Farm Jones we knew in Miami. It’s like night and day, Keith.

ANNOUNCER #1: Everyone loves GEICO.

ANNOUNCER #2: Especially that 18-24-year-old demographic.

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ANNOUNCER #1: Here comes the field goal unit.

ANNOUNCER #2: This will decide the game.

ANNOUNCER #1: Let’s see if WalGreens Bay’s kicker is bold enough to strike between the tall, hard poles–-reclaiming his manhood as the hot, tropical wind caresses his sensitive face.

ANNOUNCER #1: [Squirms]… Cialis.