Welcome to the Official Kickstarter Page for Greece!
BY JOHN FLOWERS
[Originally published March 1, 2012.]
About This Project
Greece is a small country in the south of Europe known for inventing democracy and western philosophy and for its national motto, “Release the Kraken!” Our shores are a popular destination for backpackers and tourists wishing to relax amid sun-drenched beaches by day and intoxicated British tourists by night.
We wish to continue this good work, but to do so our creditors are demanding €14.5 billion ($18.6 billion) by March 20. We do not have this money, nor do we think we can raise it in time: Our asset sales have gone nowhere, and the EU has nixed our plan to close shop and re-open a few blocks away as “Greeze”. And so we come to you, our friends, for help.
A donation of any amount is appreciated, and gifts are available for those who give at premium levels. We promise these funds will be used only to pay down debt, and any funds received above the requested amount will be rolled over to our next, inevitable Kickstarter campaign.
Thank you for your support and interest.
The Greek Government
Gabrielle Carteris Level
Pledge €1 billion or more
This level of giving earns you a four-year multi-disciplinary degree in economics, politics and German at any one of our fine universities. Coursework will be taught in the manner Greeks have taught their students since the days of Socrates: by laying about, drinking wine and starting arguments that never end. Contributions at this level earn you the right to immediately begin collecting a pension double the value of your contribution. Those students who desire a voice in the current political process will have the cost of gasoline, cloth and glass bottles deducted from their pensions.
Alex Karras Level
Pledge €4 billion or more
Contributors will tour those parts of the Greek countryside the travel guides affectionately refer to as “Little Sicily” for their stubborn refusal to accept unification and a strong central government. Included in your tour will be a focus on Greek history and those rare moments when the country was neither occupied nor in default. Re-enactments of famous scenes from Greek history will be held daily and may use live ammo and actual hostages.
Olympia Dukakis Level
Pledge €7 billion or more
Earn a walk-on role in a Costa-Gavras movie and be chased away by villagers near where they filmed Zorba the Greek. Contributors will date one of our many local celebrities-turned-members of parliament and also may sing Greece’s entry in the next Eurovision Song Contest. Also, a topless beach will be named in your honor.
Michael Chiklis Level
Pledge €10 billion or more
Contributors at this level will be afforded the title “Shipping Magnate”, thus making them permanent members of Greece’s fourth branch of government. Yachts will be considered “universities” and prostitutes “exchange students” for tax purposes. Contributors may also forgo the government’s new 10% austerity tax on bribes.
Telly Savalas Level
Pledge €14.5 billion or more
This level of contribution confers the rank of colonel to you and six of your closest associates and treats as fact your suspicions about the Communists. State news agencies will support you and your clique and explain why you had to do what you did in what will be termed “the critical hours”. Aid from western powers will be denied, unless you’re still in power six months later. A poster of you will be made visible in a Costa-Gavras movie.
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