Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Why I’ll Never Make It as a Standup Comedian.
BY ED MURRAY
I’ve never noticed a discernible difference between how black people walk and how white people walk.
My girlfriend isn’t obsessed with shopping, nor is she easily distracted by shiny objects.
I don’t mind putting the toilet seat up when I urinate.
I rarely fly.
I’m not convinced that we ladies need to stick together.
I kind of like kids.
I don’t think that the world’s problems could be solved if women, instead of talking too much when they’re menstruating, would just perform more unsolicited fellatio.
I’m not as confident as you are that you are indeed right.
And, no, I don’t know what you mean.
SUGGESTED READSList: Compliments Given to Me After a Comedy Show Where I Bombed For 45 Minutes Straight
by Doogie Horner (5/12/2011)
List: Opening Lines from an Ill-Humored Comedian of the 18th Century
by Becky Cardwell (3/18/2010)
Ishmael the Comedian
by Teddy Wayne (1/9/2008)
RECENTLYNew York City Pre-K Schools’ Acceptance Letters
by Elizabeth L. Bradley (7/7/2015)
List: New Affirmations
by Alan Hanson (7/7/2015)
by Sam Shelstad (7/6/2015)
POPULARThe SCOTUS Marriage Decision, in Haiku
by Daniela Lapidous (6/26/2015)
Purify Your System With the Seven-Day Chili Dog Cleanse
by Django Gold (6/11/2015)
List: Measures We’re Taking to Offset the Patriarchal Footprint of Our Wedding
by Hannah Ballou (6/5/2015)