Yub Jub Means “Devour the Weak”: An Authoritative Study of Ewoks, From the Field Notes of Davo Atten-Boru and Pladdo Cardigun, Exo-Naturalists.
After several cycles of exhaustive fieldwork, we can unequivocally report that Ewoks are not the naïve companionable canopy dwellers initially reported by Alliance military sources, but rather a singularly violent, cunning species, driven by perpetual internecine combat and territory acquisition. As trained exobiologists for the nascent Republic Science Academy, we were afforded the unique opportunity to observe Ewok society following the cessation of hostilities on Endor’s third moon. We witnessed and catalogued firsthand (with the invaluable aid of our C3 translator droid, C3QP) what Ewoks are truly capable of given occasion and access. Contrary to New Republic reportage, Ewoks possess a varied culture, centered on shamanistic cannibalism, carnal brutality, and the divi slatu, or “divine slaughter”—their religio-cultural term for the hostile subjugation and ritualized consumption of rivals.
Celebratory Rituals and Honorific Terminology
Our first exposure to unvarnished Ewok behavior occurred at the victory celebration following the Battle of Endor. We were surprised to discover that the gathering was not just simply a boisterous feast-activity fostering communal bonds and egalitarian resource distribution, but also a ritualistic devouring of 34 captured Imperial storm troopers, who were spit-roasted alive in their armor for seli beli (“to seal in the flavor”) and tanga tiru (“divine tang of mortal fear”), a delicacy to the Ewok palate.
C3QP also relayed that the Ewok celebratory phraseology has been grossly misrepresented in Alliance literature: The famous victory chant yub nub/yub nub eee chop yub nub translates not as “freedom/we have freedom” but rather as “eat them/we shall eat them”; elu mali ooloo/emi watu gravo is not “honor the fallen/toast their memory” but “defile their remains/pass water upon their graves”; and the oft-heard salutation yub jub actually translates to “devour the weak.”
Societal Structure and Dispute Arbitration
Ewok society is governed by a “council of elders,” consisting of the most guileful and robust alpha males and their coterie of alpha female breeding partners. They maintain a rigid caste system, with position dictated by personal combat rituals called kili duli (“blood duels”). The often poetic C3QP aptly described these as “A blur of blood and brutality.” Deceitful acts before and during a kili duli are frequent, involving poisonings, kidnappings, stabbings, and various other acts of sabotage. A proper kili duli ends with the victorious Ewok alpha removing both hearts from his defeated rival’s chest cavity, then forcing the vanquished male to watch as his organs are devoured, ideally while still beating.
Adolescent Transition Rites
Following each rainy season, Ewok young, called “woklings,” participate in a coming-of-age rite called the cul patu, (“culling of the pathetic”—not “summer camp” as previous interpreted by military sources). This is a gauntlet of sophisticated traps that emphasizes Ewoks’ impressive tool-making prowess. Indeed, using only Stone Age implements—and with no domesticated burden fauna—they construct camouflaged spike pits, razorvine snares, even dehabilitating logjams. The young must also brave poison arrows and blow darts, as well as indigenous mineral deposits dropped from airworthy gliding platforms. Any woklings killed during the cul patu are summarily consumed by the alpha caste. In fact, we were repeatedly compelled to attend the cul patu and proffered freshly slain carcasses. The elders made it obvious—through intense guttural vocalization and frenetic gesticulations—that to refuse to partake was to invite our own dismemberment and consumption.
Breeding Practices and Mate Selection
Ewok breeding takes place at the grundi rundi, or “grind and rut,” an orgiastic feast activity. This occurs every third week of the Endorran month, when the alpha females come in estrus. A grundi rundi traditionally begins at sunset, with ranking males imbibing a highly alcoholic, hallucinogen-laced mead called hibi hibi. Afterward, they fornicate with as many eligible females as possible. Fatalities during and after the grundi rundi are not uncommon, as the animated posturing and intimidation displays often escalate into full-scale physical exchanges. C3QP colorfully described it as “A writhing ball of claws and carnality.” Ecstatic vocalizations of “Hibi hibi! Grundi rundi!” reverberate throughout this nocturnal rite, as do the ululations of copulating females and the screams of the dying.
Conclusions and Moving Forward
It is our hope that we have counterbalanced ill-informed rumors and rampant misinformation with solid, verifiable scientific inquiry. Indeed, based upon the new data from C3QP, we feel we can proffer several theories regarding Ewok evolution and societal permutations. Now the Ewoks have acquired access to starships, blasters, and other advanced Alliance technology—as well as a penchant for consuming other sentient species—we believe they will easily subjugate the other moons of Endor, and will expand their nascent power base into nearby habitable systems.
Furthermore, we believe a new boru warru or “blood-anointed warlord” may well appear in the next few galactic cycles, leading a divu slatu across the galaxy and literally devouring all who oppose them. As C3QP eloquently voiced in his final stilted communication, “There is a storm coming: a storm of fur and fury.”
SUGGESTED READSThis One’s a Keeper: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
by Jude Walsh (4/28/1999)
List: Lines of Star Wars Dialogue If Obi-Wan Kenobi Had Been Really, Really Depressed
by Greg Knauss (7/9/2001)
List: All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back
by Brian McMullen (9/3/2002)
RECENTLYVinny’s Joke Consignment and Pawn Shop
by Thomas Scott (4/23/2014)
Testomania: How Rational Are You?
by Janet Manley (4/23/2014)
Jeff Really Hit It Off With the Neighbors When He Rented a Place On Airbnb
by Bob Powers (4/22/2014)