Our 4th most-read article of 2023.
Originally published May 25, 2023.
The alarm blares, and I wake up with a renewed vigor to indoctrinate America’s youth.
I ride my bike to work, smugly turning up my nose at real Americans who drive trucks. As I pedal, my thoughts are preoccupied with how I will infect children with my liberal agenda. No other ideas flow in and out of my mind on my commute, like wondering if I should donate plasma this weekend to make some extra cash to pay rent.
I pull into the parking lot and say hello to the drag queen we recently hired as the school librarian. As we walk into Socialist Snowflake Learning Center (previously called Robert E. Lee Elementary), we schedule a time for her to visit my class and expose my students to sexually explicit material.
As the bell rings and students arrive, I refuse to let Bethany G. enter the classroom, since she’s wearing a Paw Patrol backpack; I send her to the principal’s office to be expelled and possibly jailed. I allow my students to kneel during the Pledge of Allegiance but force them to blow kisses at framed portraits of George Soros, Ibram X. Kendi, and Joy Behar.
Circle Time #1: Students engage in Social Emotional Learning, which is just an hour of me interrogating kids under a single swaying lightbulb, demanding that they admit whether or not their parents are anti-vaxxers.
Story Time: I read The Lorax aloud. By the end of the book, all the kids are radicalized and collectively devise a plan to dismantle capitalism.
Science: I perpetrate the lie that the weather is getting more extreme due to the rampant use of fossil fuels and continued deforestation. I intentionally neglect to tell students what nature and its resources are really for: earning as much money as possible in your ~80 years on earth without considering how your short-sighted choices will affect future generations.
Lunch: I continue my ongoing quest to undermine the frozen food industry by encouraging students to balance eating veggies alongside their chicken nuggets. Publicly humiliate any kid who drinks cow’s milk. Deliberately instruct low-income students NOT to pay for their lunch and to pass this heavy burden onto the taxpayer instead.
I call students back from recess, ask them to wash their hands, and allow them to use whatever bathroom sink they want. Society crumbles.
As students filter back into the room, we hear a loud, popping noise. The young students look to me to protect them, but my snowflake ass has refused to conceal and carry, despite the onslaught of angry parents at school board meetings who demand teachers start packing heat and become de facto security guards. (These parents believe we are incompetent in nearly every aspect of our jobs but DO trust us to handle a firearm during a dangerous situation.) Thankfully, the noise was just a car backfiring, so I can return to being a cowardly professional educator who indoctrinates third graders to become nonbinary communists.
Math: Almost immediately after thinking our lives were at risk, we pivot to our math lesson. For many adults, this abrupt transition might be difficult to navigate, but the third graders are resilient and used to these scares. After working through word problems that contain characters with diverse names, I hand out their homework for the evening. I have purposefully created math problems that third-grade students can answer, but adults who are unable to problem solve cannot complete.
Circle Time #2: Instead of reading an offensive chapter book aloud, I give an impromptu thirty-minute lecture in which I encourage my students to consider undergoing a gender reassignment surgery over summer break or before their tenth birthday, whichever comes first.
Music Lesson: The students learn the lyrics to “WAP,” Lil Nas X’s entire catalog, and whatever the national anthem of Norway is.
As we begin tidying up the room, I mandate that the tallest white boy in class clean out the litter box the kids who identify as cats use.
We end the day with five minutes of mindfulness, a.k.a. a nod to New Age Wiccan Pagan anti-Christian practices. During this time, Muslim students are allowed to pray, and atheist students can play with Legos. Christian students are persecuted.
I lock up my classroom, jump on my bike, and leave school grounds. I’m already excited to return tomorrow so I can continue brainwashing children.
Then I ride to my local Planned Parenthood clinic to get an abortion.
While I recuperate, I spend the rest of my day devising ways to undermine the American way of life while drinking Bud Light out of a glass. \
Read an interview with author Ashley Ingle about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.