Greetings, fellow Americans —
Last night I got a call on my hot tub phone from my friend and Kid Rock’s Chillin’ The Most Cruise 2015 bunkmate, President Donald Trump. I expected this was in regards to the five grand he owes me due to an ice luge incident from the aforementioned cruise. It was not — although I believe him when he says he’s good for the cash.
No, instead the president asked me to take the wheel of the FBI until they found somebody to be the full-time director. I set down my Cristal, motioned to Rina and Loni to put their robes on, and told D-Money I would be honored and jacked to take the job.
Now, listen, I know you’re probably a little confused about all of this craziness and uncertainty in the news. You’re scared and a little freaked out, wondering what this means for you, for your family, and for Kid Rock’s Chillin The Most Cruise 2018. Well, don’t freak out, peeps — you can rest easy in knowing that the Kid will not sell out.
No, I’m not gonna stop being me just because I picked up this fancy part-time gig. “FBI director” is just going to be another job title on my resumé, like “breakdancer” or “rap-rock musician” or “cruise namesake.” And yes, I’m gonna keep wearing my hat.
The transition of power will be as smooth as my transition from rap-rock to rap-country rock. Plus, the FBI’s motto, Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity, is almost word-for-word the same as my own personal motto: Bawitdaba.
In short, the FBI will not change me; I will change the FBI. I once told you that I wanted to be a “cowboy, baby.” That’s still true. Only now instead of smelling pigs from a mile away I will smell… I guess crime and other bad stuff? Sorry, haven’t had orientation yet.
And as far as any current investigations go, I’m probably not gonna sweat those. It’s only eleven more months until the ninth annual “Kid Rock’s Chillin’ The Most Cruise” and my plate’s already getting pretty full organizing that — it’s going to be insane!