I’m HUMBLED to announce that after nearly two years of work, the team here at Raytheon-Disney+ has finally launched the newest version of AppApp: the app that counts all the other apps on your phone not including AppApp.™ Congrats to everyone who worked on the project, especially those whose lives I’ve irreparably ruined through my emotionally abusive managerial decisions!
Yep, ULTRA-HUMBLED to say that by locking a group of white-collar professionals in a downtown San Francisco “co-thinking space” and refusing to let them see their friends, families, or sunlight, I’ve driven dozens into various states of mental and emotional distress! Highlights include anxiety, depression, suicide attempts, panic attacks, and on one occasion — uncontrollable, intermittent shrieking. But pushing yet another useless parity product was so worth the literal blood, sweat, and tears. #growthhack
SO INCREDIBLY MIND-BLOWINGLY HUMBLED that the team, some of whom I’m told, and I’m paraphrasing here, “have lost the biological will to live,” spent years of their lives creating something that only exists because of a bloated venture capital ecosystem and execs like me grinding workforces into absolute dust. It’s the thing that keeps me coming back to my little techno-gulag 👏 every👏 single 👏 day.👏
Well, that and the massive salary I don’t pay taxes on. #solucky
JUST SHOVING MY FAT FUCKING HAM HOLE FULL OF HUMBLE PIE due to the fact that my superiors at Raytheon-Disney+ will continue to turn a blind eye to my behavior and implicitly endorse this culture across their massive global footprint signaling to the world at large that if you pay a bunch of pasty dorks in Patagonia vests enough money, your company can violate federal trade laws AND basic human rights all at once! #agile #yasss
SCREAMING KENDRICK LAMAR’S “HUMBLE” INTO A TESLA CYBERTRUCK-MOUNTED MEGAPHONE because of the time my employees raised concerns about our company culture and were “disappeared” courtesy of our “government solutions” division! Even more HUMBLED that they let me roll up my sleeves and plan a few deportations myself! Special shout out to Garth and Bone-Dawg! (please endorse)
But at the end of the day, after weeks of Senate hearings, sanity-melting code sprints, tens of millions of dollars in wasted capital, and a workplace the U.N. Human Rights Council is “more than familiar with,” what will I remember most about being a shallow, willing vessel for horny, unregulated, technocratic capitalism?