To: All Employees
From: Paul Pell, President and CEO, Die Mold Industries Inc.
Date: February 15, 2006
Subject: Career Days
As you know, we have been evaluating the career-day program here at Die Mold. Take Your Son or Daughter to Work Day has been a big success for us, introducing a whole new generation to the exciting world of injection molding, but recent efforts to expand upon it have met with mixed results. After careful consideration, we have decided to suspend the following career days until further notice.
TAKE YOUR BITTER EX-WIFE TO WORK DAY—This probably looked good on paper. After all, getting ex-spouses to spend the day working side-by-side might actually have nurtured empathy between them, which wouldn’t have been a bad thing. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Not only were the bitter ex-wives wholly uninterested in any aspect of injection molding but several important meetings were derailed when carefully prepared agendas were jettisoned in favor of screaming matches about mistresses and mothers-in-law and so on. I’m afraid that ex-spouses will just have to go back to working through their problems while picking up and dropping off the kids, like everyone else.
TAKE YOUR EVIL TWIN TO WORK DAY—This day was a mixed bag. On the one hand, the evil twins poisoned the atmosphere throughout the company with their interminable plotting and backstabbing. On the other hand, they showed a considerable interest in, and aptitude for, sales. In fact, during their session in the sales office, the evil twins helped set an all-time one-day sales record, albeit by engaging in some extremely dubious sales techniques. Depending on how many of those sales result in returns and/or lawsuits, we may consider reinstituting this day at some point in the future.
TAKE A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS HEMORRHAGIC FEVER TO WORK DAY—This case illustrates the dangers of cut-and-paste. The original idea was to advise employees who had contracted a highly contagious hemorrhagic fever not to come in to work under any circumstances, but by the time that idea worked its way through channels and found its way into a send-all, things ended up all topsy-turvy. We will all miss Smith, Addad, and Singh, of course, but the eight weeks we all spent in quarantine was a heck of a team-building exercise, so at least there was a silver lining.
TAKE A SUPERVILLAIN BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION TO WORK DAY—This one should never have gotten out of committee. The supervillains showed only a cursory interest in injection-molding processes, and most of them left during the tour when it became clear that the plant contained no high-powered lasers or large tanks of unstable chemicals. The few who stayed behind, however, were a real pain. It was bad enough when Dr. Medullus used his Brain Drain to wipe all the passwords and PIN numbers right out of our heads (try explaining that to IT—go on, I dare you), but when Killipede, Slaying Mantis, and Fearwig teamed up to form the Hive of Villainy and retooled the production line to manufacture killer bugbots, I knew we were in trouble. Fortunately, Colonel Truth and the Freedom Friends showed up to put the kibosh on the supervillains’ sinister plans, but not before a heck of a lot of damage was done.
TAKE AN UNRESTRAINED ZOMBIE TO WORK DAY—This day was not as bad as it could have been. On the one hand, the original zombies’ overall lack of coordination led to a shocking spike in industrial accidents. On the other hand, the worst of the secondary infections were among the interns, and once they succumbed to the contagion and became shambling members of the undead, they lost all interest in pizza and text messaging and finally became contributing members of the team. The accidents are a concern, to be sure, but as the undead cannot claim under workers’ comp for even the most grisly of mutilations, it remains a question of restaffing only. Depending on the next batch of interns, we may consider reinstituting this day at some point in the future.
TAKE A BAG OF FERAL CATS TO WORK DAY—This one is a real stumper. Whatever the original purpose was, it surely must have been miscommunicated or misinterpreted somewhere along the line. However it happened, I think we all now agree that feral cats and molten resin just don’t mix.
In conclusion, thanks to everyone for their contribution to the career-day program. Mistakes were clearly made, but we learned a lot about ourselves and each other and we can all move forward from here. Together, we can stake a bold claim to the future for Die Mold, the industry leader in midquality injection molding.