August 2, 2000
New York City
Via fax: (212) 555-4351
To Whom It May Concern:
Let this letter serve as notice that on the below-referenced dates a blue and white van bearing the letters “NYPD” was stationed in front of our crack house:
May 6, 7 & 9
The van is both an incredible distraction and a detriment to business, as many of our customers that see the van on the way to our crack house turn around and run, eventually purchasing their crack elsewhere. I’m sure you are aware of the intensely competitive nature of the crack business, and we hope you will be respectful of the fact that placing a van of this nature in front of our crack house adversely affects the net profitability of an enterprise such as ours.
With this in mind we ask that you cease and desist at once (placing the van on the premises of our crack house) and act in good faith with regards to certifying that the van will not again be located, in the near or distant future, on or near the premises of our crack house.
If we do not receive written notification from you detailing otherwise within fifteen days of the date of this letter, we will assume that we have come to an understanding.
Thank you for your time.
October 6, 2000
C/O Mally’s Cardboard Box
North Side of Utica Avenue & Junius
Dear Mr. Rob,
Per Mr. Hambone’s request, enclosed please find five vials of crack. The fifth one is on the house as a way of saying “Thank You!” for your continued patronage of our crack house. Yes, we have resolved the van issue, at least temporarily (isn’t that always the way though?). As in the past, you should feel comfortable stopping by. We all miss your crack-fueled tirades about the A-train and turkey-ham like you used to do and look forward to seeing you again in the near future.
Hope all is well.
October 14, 2000
The Crack House on Avenue D
Dear Mr. Moses,
In reference to our conversation of Wednesday, October 11, I have to say I came away with a bad taste in my mouth. I have a few things that I would like to get off my chest, and I figured the best way to do so would be in writing:
- I shot your brother in the foot not only because he came to our crack house to borrow baking soda without asking, but also because he took the liberty of eating the last of my Ritz crackers, which I had been saving for a snack. Later, as I went to fry up some crack, I discovered, much to my surprise, that there was not enough baking soda! I say to myself, “Let’s just go and have some Ritz and EZ-Cheez, take a breather and think about this.” Guess what? No Ritz. Anyway, tell him next time I’ll aim higher.
- I did not sleep with one of your ladies (Sandra?) to “try and get inside stuff on how to make chocolate crack.” What do you think I am? Considering I basically invented cocoa crack (which, if you recall, came first). It’s petty to make insinuations like this, and I was really insulted.
- As far as setting fire to your last crack house, maybe you have a point there. All I’m saying is that we have a business to run here and as competitors there are certain acceptable practices that one resorts to in order to acquire and maintain an edge. Did I say anything when one of your boys punctured my spleen with a sharpened screwdriver that time? I don’t think so. Nevertheless we have to maintain a certain code of conduct if we want to keep such downward economic pressures to a minimum. There are plenty of people out there dying to get into this business, and the only thing holding them back is the dirty work.
- As far as client exclusivity goes, are you on crack? Just kidding.
I think I’ve said my piece. Feel free to respond at your convenience.
cc: Li’l Timmy, Sandra, Gnawty Dawgg, Mr. Gary
November 2, 2000
Christopher William Thompson III
4 Blunderbuss Terrace
Darien, CT 06144
Dear Mr. Thompson,
I am in receipt of your query of date February 22. Yes, we do give a full refund if you are not satisfied with our product. Simply mail the original packaging along with the unused portion of the product back to us and you will get your money back in rolls of pennies. Please allow between four to six weeks for handling of your refund request.
I’m sorry to hear that the intensely euphoric experience you had on our crack led you to hold members of your father’s country club hostage with a garden weasel, proclaiming yourself to be the dark prince of Ulan Bator. I am equally sorry that when you came down you curled into a fetal position in front of the girl you were supposed to go to the prom with and soiled yourself.
We look forward to your continued patronage, but please note that if you do this again I will personally come out there and snuff you.
All best regards,
New York Crack House
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7, 2000
RE: The Van
It has come to my attention that you are all perpetrating perpetrators and absconding abdominatrixes. Don’t look at me! But don’t listen to the van b/c the van speaks Portuguese. I said don’t look at me! I know this b/c FYI I LW on its VM.