To: Alabama English Department Listserv
From: Commissioner Oliu
Subject: The Cinematic Thrill Ride of Flag-Football
The University of Alabama English Department Flag Football League (UAEDFL) is more than just a delightful sporting event showcasing premiere athletes, pristine field conditions, and general je ne sais quoi. No! It is something that brings families together like IONIC BONDS. It is something that causes hearts to jump and skip like hopscotching debutants, to cause dramatic shifts in the way that we (we!) view this crazy mixed up world of ours. With all of the plight, salmonella, excommunications of Arkansas nuns, vultures, lack of winter-time clothing, and countless other things that are generally considered to be “bad’” and/or “flesh eating,” how are we to persevere? How are we to laugh? How are we to cry? How are we to try to get to second base with our dates at the lovely Cobb 16 Theatre by feigning true trauma and emotion when character X gets killed off by character Y and character Z goes “NO!” and there’s slow-motion and all of a sudden Imogen Heap kicks in?
I’m sure you’re wondering, “What does this have to do with football, Brian?” and to that, I say this: Have you seen the Preston Sturges’ classic film Sullivan’s Travels? Us members of the UAEDFL have set out to not only create O Brother Where Art Thou? but ALSO Ants in Your Pants (1939)!
Film crews will be present AT THE PARK ON QUEEN CITY/15TH STREET ON SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY AT 10:30AM to begin production on America’s Team: The Rise and Subsequent Fall of the University of Alabama English Department Football League; A Cinematic Novella in Nine Parts.1
This soon to be award-winning film by soon to be award-winning film director Jerry Bruckheimer (Con Air, Bad Boys 2) takes place in the sleepy picturesque city that never sleeps where nightmares can come true, and fantasies can become your worst nightmare. All was wonderful with the English Department; barbecues and bocce on the weekends, excessive gimlets during the week; finally a wonderful group-home for those orphaned by such things as “jobs” and “disposable income.” Then, tragedy strikes. Wilford “T-Bone” Strode (Gerard Depardieu), the heir to the Strode fortune and general ragamuffin and scalawag decides to purchase the University of Alabama Coal Mines and, going against his great-great-grandfather’s wishes, removes the funding from the English Department and instead decides to build a gigantic condominium called “The Crimson Houndstooth Bear Tradition Chimes Saban Tradition Crimson Suites and Spa” right where Morgan Hall sits! Oh no!
After incessant whining on the listserv and the occasional snide (yet sheepish!) remarks in the graduate student lounge, the English Department comes up with an unbelievable plan to raise money by playing flag-football and in the end challenges the devilish team assembled by the malevolent Strode for control of Morgan Hall and some sections of Rowand-Johnson, and the occasional room in Ten Hoor, but not the ones with technology in them.
Can this ragtag band of writers, researchers, instructors, and critiquers settle their views on Derrida before it is too late?
Haley Joel Osment (Ryan Browne) as a former high-school football standout who quit the game entirely as a result of his entire family being murdered by the 1992 New York Jets. Can he overcome this tragedy, (especially after it is revealed that former Jets QB Ken O’Brien is the offensive coordinator for T-Bone’s Dream (Death) Team from Hell?)
Patrick Duffy is Michael Lee, a former ballet-dancer who just so happens to have a natural gift when it comes to the wide-receiver position. What will happen when he has to choose between the FINAL game and the Tuscaloosa Community Theatre’s production of Fokine’s Petrushka?
Casper Van Diem stars as BJ Hollars, a former car-thief and grand-larcenist who, thanks to one of them fancy liberal innovative judges, has to be the team captain of this bunch of misfits for community service, rather than serving a six-year prison sentence. Has he put his thieving ways behind him? Or will he feel the urge to steal a 1992 Eagle Talon days before the FINAL game, thus causing the entire UAEDFL into coming up with an elaborate plan involving baking a file into a slice of hummingbird cake?
Jonathan Lipnicki stars as Colin Rafferty, a young boy who loves football, but was diagnosed with Type 5 jejunal atresia, which therefore inhibits his ability to play… or so says his extremely strict and worrisome church-going parents! Will his zealot family find out about his dark and dirty secret that he has hands like comfortable grippy pillows, ideal for catching both Magi babies and the pigskin?
Critics are already calling this movie “fantastic!”, “a virtual and visual tour-de-force!”, and “the first great film of 2009, 2010, and 2011!” And we haven’t even entered post-production or inserted the gigantic CGI mechanical spider yet!
THE FOOTBALL HAS A BOMB IN IT AND IT’LL EXPLODE WHEN BRIAN OLIU COMPLETES A PASS THAT ISN’T AN INTERCEPTION; THE JOKE’S ON STRODE! THIS IS RESOLVED WHEN OLIU THROWS THE BALL OUT OF BOUNDS AND IT IS CAUGHT BY STRODE’S WIFE LUDMILLA (BRIGITTE NIELSEN) THUS CAUSING A SEISMIC EXPLOSTION
This Saturday at 10:30 a.m… hold on… for the ride of your life.
— The Commish
1 Music from and inspired by the film, including the hit single “When You’ve Got To Give (A Little More Than 100%)” by Peabo Bryson and Deniece Williams, to be released by Geffen on September 20th.