Here at Time, we’ve made a few changes you may already be experiencing that we think you should know about. Please see below.
A minute used to be sixty seconds long. We thought this could be spiced up. A minute can now either be one hour, or it can take 3.5 seconds. We hope you enjoy this new feature.
You may remember that a day used to take place over the course of 24 hours. We felt this was too much. A day is now over the moment you first ask yourself, “What time is it?”
It does not matter what time it actually is when you do this. As soon as you ask or think, “What time is it” for the first time that day, even if it is still ten in the morning, it will suddenly be eight at night. Does that make sense?
A week was once measured over the course of seven days. Our testing showed that this has been way too short, for way too long. So we made a big adjustment: a workweek now takes an entire year. From Monday to Friday, you will feel like it’s been (and you will actually age) an entire year. This is non-negotiable. This brings us to…
A weekend doesn’t exist anymore. You will go to sleep on Friday and you will wake up on Monday with a vague memory that you may have watched an entire TV show (every episode, every season) sometime in the last 48 hours.
Let’s talk about months. Months used to be pretty inconsistent. Some months were 30 days, some were 31, and one was 28 or 29. This seemed too confusing, so now they are all four days long.
That’s right, every month takes four days. You’ll get to the end of a month and think, “Wow, that felt like it was only four days, which used to be one day shy of a week, but is now just 1/90th of a week, because a week is a year and a month is four days.” And you’ll be right.
Now, I bet you’re wondering what a year is. Well, I hate to say it, but we’re all wondering what a year is. The guy who was in charge of re-adjusting a year just quit, and he won’t talk to any of us, so your guess is as good as mine. But I think it’s gonna be a pretty long time.