I’ll baptize your son in the pool behind the weights room.

Bring your own floaties.

Don’t worry about the lifeguard. I am the lifeguard. I work for the Young Men’s Christian Association.

No, $25 does not include tip. I accept American quarters and unleavened bread only.

I baptize in the deep end. The big vent at the bottom is filled with the Holy Spirit.

Yes, the Millers’ baby caught on fire when I baptized her. Not my fault. She was possessed.

Ma’am. I don’t care if your son can’t swim. I told you, bring your own floaties.

I’ll stick your son’s head in the drain. Amen.

Excuse me. Please take off his trunks. I want to circumcise your son’s penis.

Jump in, Mom. No—use the diving board. I need you to hold your son by his circumcised penis.

Perfect. And I’ll pull your son by his tail until the Devil leaves his—wait, we’re not performing an exorcism?

Right, I’m baptizing your son at the Y for $25. Put your bikini back on and get out.

Small favor. Pass me that Chinese Bible. Yeah, just chuck it. Go for it.

Any chance you or anyone you know reads Chinese? Christ, you’re Irish Catholic?

Call the Chinese Wok next door and ask for Linda. I need her to read this Chinese Bible.

Linda hung up? Goddamnit. Your son’s gonna drown if we don’t hurry up.

Put the phone on speaker. Louder. LOUDER. You know what? Toss it here.

Hail Satan. That shock burned my leg off. At least your son—

God. Did he always piss fire?

Your son’s balls are huge, ma’am. He’s not OK.

I’m telling you—he shouldn’t be pissing fire. That’s not what circumcision is.

STIR-FRIED JESUS. I know what’s wrong with your son.

Come here—I need to tell you a secret. Put your bikini back on. Christ. Come here.

God killed Satan in 2002. Made a huge mess out in Wyoming.

He tried eating Satan’s corpse to get rid of the evidence. Got too full after the skin, so He siphoned the leftovers into little boys.

Kids like your son carry Satan around until they die. Only caveat: the Devil escapes if these boys are circumcised.

Exactly—the foreskin holds Satan in.

No, you can’t just wait for Satan to drain out of your son. He’s not a sink. You’ll need an exorcism.

Yes, I’ll do it at Dave & Busters for $45.