INTERVIEWER: Happy Birthday.

EARTH DAY: Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

INTERVIEWER: You don’t sound too excited.

EARTH DAY: No, no… It’s good. A little weird, I guess. I mean, thirty. Fuck, right?

INTERVIEWER: Well, you must at least be pleased with this year’s celebration — 4,500 organizations planning events in 180 countries.

EARTH DAY: Yeah, yeah. Should be good.

INTERVIEWER: Have you decided where you’ll be?

EARTH DAY: No, not yet. I don’t know, I’m actually thinking about just sitting this one out, maybe getting some dinner with a few friends, something simple. I mean, what am I gonna do? Go out and do a bunch of shots or something?

INTERVIEWER: Is… is that what you usually do on Earth Day?

EARTH DAY: No. Course not. It’s a serious day. Christ, usually I’m out there trying to get people inspired to save the Earth and what have you. [Pause] When I was younger, sure, I’d go out, maybe get a little wild. But, hell, now I’m such a lightweight. Three drinks and I’m a puddle. Sorta sad if you think about it.

INTERVIEWER: Sad that you get drunk after only three drinks?

EARTH DAY: Okay, okay. I’m not saying it’s as sad as global warming or plastic… stuff. But, well… I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying. Really. It’s just… strange. Thirty. The big three-oh. Thirty. Man, you know it’s one thing to be 27, you’re 27, you’re out there. You’re a kid. People think you’re a kid, some kind of wunderkind. But they respect you. You’re this day, this increasingly big day. You’re not, you know, Memorial Day or anything, but you’ve got concerts in Central Park, and phone calls from the President, and Leo calls and says he’s having this thing, and him and Tobey Maguire and Blaine and, Christ, I think it was Penelope Cruz or somebody, they’re all there with him, and they’re like screaming into the phone that I have to come. I mean, I know it sounds silly, and this was a few years ago… [Pause] I’m sorry. I don’t even know where I’m going here. I’m sorry. Really. What did you want to know? What was the question?

INTERVIEWER: Well, just that…

EARTH DAY: Look, it’s not even that. I’m sorry. Excuse me, but I think I remember where I was going. Would it be okay, if I just finished where I was going?

INTERVIEWER: By all means…

EARTH DAY: Great. It’s just that, you know, fine, thirty, whatever. So cliché, yeah, I know. Blah, blah, blah. But I’ll tell you, it makes you think, it really does. Where am I? What have I done? Where am I going? Take me, for instance. Is the Earth really that much better off. Yes, a little, some things, maybe. Do I deserve some credit? You know, fine, yes, I guess, a little. But I have to tell you, I wake up in the morning and I take a look around and I’m still in this basically lousy one-bedroom apartment, you know, I’ve got the decent couch, the fucking Ikea coffee table, one not-half-bad print on the wall, poorly-framed; a thing of mayo, some two-day old sushi, and a misbegotten bottle of Veuve Cliquot from I can’t remember when in the fridge. [Pause] And I’m alone. Yeah, okay, there it is. I know, I know, get out the world’s smallest violin, put me on daytime TV, fine. Hah, hah, hah. [Pause.] But, you know there it is. There it really is.

INTERVIEWER: So it’s true that you’re not seeing Arbor Day anymore?

EARTH DAY: You know, people say, they say, “Look at what my parents did by the time they were thirty.” Or, “Look at like what, uh, Thomas Edison, or Vasco de Gama, what those guys did by the time they were thirty.” Not that that really applies to me since I’m a holiday, or commemorative day, or whatever and don’t have actual “parents,” but, well… I mean, it’s like I read the other day about these two, I think they were Burmese, twelve-year-old twins, Johnny and Luther something or other, apparently they command like an entire rebel army in a jungle down there. It was on the front page of The Times. I mean, shit, you know, fine, but they’re fucking twelve, you know? [Pause.] I don’t know.

INTERVIEWER: So you’re unhappy.

EARTH DAY: That’s the thing. I’m not. Things are good. What do I have to complain about, right? [Pause] Maybe I’d like it if I were doing something a little more, I don’t know, a little more… creative. Whatever. Look, Earth Day is creative. I know this. Maybe, and I hate to say this, I know it’s going to be taken the wrong way… Okay. You know, I look at some of my friends, some of them who work on, say, Wall Street, or at, you know, one of those dot-com companies, and, hey, I mean, I know, I know, I’m Earth Day, I’m out there saving the planet. Well, I mean, sure, great, that’s a great line for a sunny day on campus, but, Christ, I just can not date another girl in Birkenstocks, you know. Not that I’m trying to get with like lead counsel for Exxon, but… And then there’s this. A few months ago, back when I was still… seeing Arbor Day, the two of us decided to splurge — I mean, neither of us had taken a vacation, a real vacation, in soooo long — anyway, we decide to go down to the Bahamas for a long weekend. And, I mean, I’ve got to tell you, it was just so nice, you know. But that, that stuff takes money, you know. [Pause] So nice. Warm and with the beach and everything. And it was great with us. And then we get back here, and it’s, it’s, well… It gets you to thinking, you know. It just makes you think is all.

INTERVIEWER: Well… Any final thoughts?

EARTH DAY: [Sigh] Yeah, yeah. Sure. Everyone should go and check out those new electric cars. Really. They’re really something.

INTERVIEWER: Earth Day, thank you very much for taking the time to speak with us.

EARTH DAY: Of course, anytime, really. Thanks.