NOTE: This contest is now closed.
The winner will be announced on June 7th.

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The Haggis-On-Wheys

For many years the scientific community has worried about the possibility that semi-sane scholar pretenders would find the means to put out a series of reference books aimed at children but filled with ludicrous misinformation. The books would look normal enough, but would read as if written by people who should at all costs be denied access to pens and pencils.

Thanks to Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, who has 17 degrees from 18 institutions of higher learning and is a world-renowned and much-feared expert on just about everything, and her husband Benny, who enjoys putting on socks, that day has come. They’ve published 409 reference books, such as Cold Fusion; Giraffes? Giraffes!; Animals of the Ocean, in Particular the Giant Squid; and most recently, Children and the Tundra.

Considering the outstanding threat that Dr. and Mr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey pose to the scientific community, we’re electing your help to keep tabs on this dangerously misinformed two-some. We are compiling a comprehensive account of their daily whereabouts in efforts to ensure they get nowhere near day-care centers, elementary school science fairs, or other places containing impressionable youths with less-than-perfect grasps of basic science.

The Contest

Here’s where you come in, dear vigilante: Please send us a short write up of your chance encounters with or sightings of Dr. Doris and Benny Haggis-on-Whey. The most brave, informative, and groundbreaking report will be rewarded with a complete, signed collection of the Haggis-On-Whey series, including the latest Children and the Tundra, and will be published on the Internet Tendency. We would give you a Pulitzer in Investigative Journalism if we could, but, for obvious reasons, we can’t. Nonetheless, your work is crucial, and your mission pure.


Please send a paragraph-long description of your encounter with the subject line “Haggis-On-Whey Contest” to by Tuesday, May 24th at 11:59 PM PST.

The winner will receive signed copies of all four Haggis-on-Whey reference books still in circulation.

The winning account will also be published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

A Deal!

The latest Haggis-on-Whey reference book, Children and the Tundra, is available now on our
online store, and you can save 20% off the cover price when you enter the promo code HAGGIS.

And today, as an added bonus, we’re featuring a short excerpt from the book…