REASONS I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’M FAMILY WHEN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
By Matthew Rorem
The hostess never hints that she’d really like it if I went to law school.
The busboy is always very polite about denying my requests for money.
The waiter never hits me, pulls my hair, or tells on me for things I never did.
The manager never cheats on my dad.
The dishwashers don’t like it when I hug them goodbye.
THINGS THAT ARE JUST BARELY THICKER THAN PETER GALLAGHER’S EYEBROWS.
By Morgan Day Frank
The Oxford English Dictionary
The writers of ESPN’s original series Tilt
A bull shark’s skin
Osmium, the densest metal on the planet
The skull of Jon Runyan, the right tackle for the Philadelphia Eagles
A chocolate milkshake from Ruby Tuesday
PICKUP LINES USED BY MARIO.
By Christopher Doody
“Are you a magic feather? Because my heart just grew a tail, and flew away.”
“If you were a warp tube, I’d be in you all day.”
“Are you a magic mushroom? Because you are making me grow.”
“Are you a magic flower? Because you are burning me up.”
“I’d rather ride you than Yoshi any day.”
“If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.”
“If I had the choice, I would gladly spend my 100 coins on you instead of on an extra life.”
“You don’t have to turn on a game to play with me.”
“They don’t call me Super for nothing.”