CHAIR: This meeting will come to order. Will the secretary please call roll.
SECRETARY: Single Unit Homes?
SUH: Here.
SECRETARY: Duplexes?
DUPLEXES: Here here.
SECRETARY: Triplexes?
TRIPLEXES: Here here here.
SECRETARY: Mom and Pops?
M&P: Oh yeah, present.
SECRETARY: Conglomerates?
CONGLOMERATES: Thanks for your question. I am out of the office for the remainder of the week. In the event of an emergency, call the after-hours number.
CHAIR: Is he ever here?
SECRETARY: (rustles papers) Not when we are.
(…)
CHAIR: Any ongoing business from our prior session?
SECRETARY: We ended by tabling the vote on enacting longer delays for even the most basic of maintenance.
CHAIR: All in favor of taking the vote today?
(Silence.)
CHAIR: Tabled till next session. Besides, isn’t our vote counter still broken?
SECRETARY: The maintenance request has been filed through the online portal.
CHAIR: Can you tell if they received it?
SECRETARY: No.
CHAIR: Kind of seems like it’s taking forever, though, right?
(Nods and sounds of general agreement.)
CHAIR: Let’s be sure not to learn anything from that.
(…)
CHAIR: All right, on to new business. Mom and Pops?
M&P: Hi y’all. We’ve been feeling like we’ve lost our way in terms of being passive-aggressive to our tenants, and were wondering if you all had any solutions you might be able to suggest? Thanks in advance for your help.
TRIPLEXES: It sounds like nothing might ever be good enough for you, which, by the terms of your council agreement, is what we call a “You Problem.” If it’s such a big deal, you can always just move to a different council.
M&P: Will we get my council deposit back?
(Raucus laugher.)
M&P: I yield my time.
(…)
SUH: I think I just saw a cockroach run past the cheese plate.
CHAIR: No, you didn’t.
(…)
SECRETARY: I do have here that Conglomerates had reserved a slot for some new business as well.
CHAIR: Conglomerates, you have the floor.
CONGLOMERATES: Thanks for your question. I have decided to take a last-minute vacation and will be out of the office for three weeks. In the event of an emergency, reach out to your on-site manager.
SUH: I see a rat now too.
DUPLEXES: Are you sure it’s not an emotional support rat?
SUH: It’s eating mold.
DUPLEXES: Emotional support rats are not supposed to eat mold without prior consent.
CHAIR: Secretary, process a fine for the emotional support rat.
SECRETARY: Can they pay with cash, or is the only option the online portal that charges a significant service fee no matter what?
CHAIR: I’m going to pretend you didn’t ask me that.
(…)
SUH: Is anyone else getting hot? I thought Conglomerates had committed to replacing the AC?
CONGLOMERATES: Thanks for your question. I have embarked upon an impromptu pilgrimage and will be out of the office for four to six months. In the event of an emergency, pray.
(…)
CHAIR: Any final announcements before we break?
SECRETARY: Yes, next week we have a special guest joining us from the Russian Special Forces, so don’t be late. He’ll be doing another seminar on hospitality.
(…)
CHAIR: That should do it. See everyone next week.
TRIPLEXES: Aren’t you forgetting something, sir?
CHAIR: Oh goodness, how silly of me. All in favor of raising rent?
(Unanimous agreement.)
CHAIR: Adjourned.