[John Bowe, a McSweeney’s contributor currently living in Thailand, often visits a certain internet café in Bangkok. Sometimes, unsent or already-sent letters are still on the screens of the café’s computers, in which case John forwards them to us, so that we might do the right thing: share them with you. A few months ago he sent us four letters. Here are four more, with all names changed, but all stylistic innovations left untouched.]
How are you? I’m fine. I have to explain to you about the telephone in my apartment. It’s have an answering machine and automatic operator. You don’t understand in this telephone system, do you? You only press number (662) 7112126, after that will have a women voice to say something to you (In Thai language) yes, it is answering machine sound. After it family talking, Can you press the room number 317 it will link the telephone line to my room. Only this!Do you know every time when you call to me, Big Boos of my room, for that thing. He angry with me and balm me " Why I have to wait for your boy friend call and connect it you?" Because I have automatic telephone system, Could you try to use automatic telephone system, I don’t to have a problem with him. DOh! Forgot. The room number 310 nobody has stay there they move out already. My sweetheart, I know well when you read this mail. May be you tried. Ok, I finish this mail . DDo you have mobile phone? If you have. Could you give me the phone number please. DMiss you a lot
Roosevelt Road Sel.5
>FROM : Mr. Smith
REF:URGENT AND ONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS/INVESSTMENT PROPOSAL
It, is my great pleasure to reach you with this Urgent and Confidential Business Opportunity, of mutual trust and benefits I wish to introduce myself as the only surviving brother of the former Director-General of sierra-Leone Mineral Resources, I am
MR. Benchol , This is the true story of my family, and the war in my country Sierra-Leone, which I believe you must have watched in the media since last year, that had attracted world attention and lost of Lives.
My Senior brother, was the Director-General in Charge of the Diamond Exportation Business in Sierra-Leone, and as a result of the political war and the Rebels taking over the Government by force, where my brother and other senior government officials were taking hostage for long time and later killed by the rebels, for not complying with their order.
Against Democratic Elected President.
Our, whole family was declared as among the arch-enemy of the rebels controlling power presently, and our family house in the capital Free-Town was set on fire by the rebels, because my Killed Senior brother acquired huge fortune from the nation business of Diamond, through some of his personal contacts during his time in the office.
We, have been hiding in some African countries and Asia for some time now, we have decided to seek for settlement in Taiwan and investment and we have carefully evaluate advises based on Security and Government incentives for Foreign investors and rule of laws, Taiwan will be Safe for some considerable reasons.
Recently, we have smuggled and secured the sum of US$6N Million from brothers bank accounts in Free-Town, other African countries and Dubai, Now after few weeks in Bangkok, as a result of Dangerous Drug [Heroin] and Prostitution that is common here, we cant settle here, for the interest of my killed brothers young children, who needs good care. Our Needs MUST be kept STRICTLY and CONFIDENTIAL. We need your TRUST as follows’
1. To help us clear this money from the security company in Bangkok, Transfer and secure it in your bank account.
2. To help us invest some of the money as Joint venture and Partnership with your established company.
3. To help us with procedures for Residence arrangements, including good English school for My late Brothers Kids and wife that is also in Bangkok now and any other related matters and needs.
4. However, if we cannot achieve the joint venture and partnership proposal, we are ready to Reward you with some percentage of This [U$$6,000.000.00] for guiding us to any Business when the money is successfully transferred to your bank account.
5. Please, Always Remember that this transaction MUST be Kept STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, For our FEAR that the rebels are still after our lives, as we are expecting your positive respond by email for earliest arrangement.
Dear Khun JAN;
How are you? Sorry, For I can’t sand your email after I came back Thailand. I miss you very much. And I really want to stay very near with you. I love you and have to careless about you to. When we stay together with you I am get happy always. I am have torture of I left from you for come to Thailand. If summer season it come soon I will go to you again.
I am want to stay with you long time more before. I always remember before you had to tell me about "you have only me it enough for you and me also, still have only you only. You are my furture and all everything for me. You word have get to me it make me feeling better and when I am hear your said to me I am happy always. And I am have hopeness to. Maybe about 4 weeks I have to see you again. Maybe we are go to Hou Hin together I really hope we are happy to. Right now, if you want to eat Thai food you can go to eat at Thai restraint.
I am had to go look Bar for you and I think it nice place and cheap for you. But I really want you look first. And I am want you have a decide because I am think if we want to invest something must have profit. It true? In Thailand have to many Bar. For me I am can do because not so difficult for me. If we invest with something and have profit it make happy with work to.
And for me it not possible I am have only you everywhere with it ok. I am never scare work but I am scare no have work. We can help and faithful with and after we get happy. I am have endure of moderate to and if you decide with invest it ok. I think in Sukhumvit soi 22 price with dispose of a going concern about 200,000 bath(Two hundred thousand).But you must addle everything with place. It size look like game shop in your apartment. But we must paid for every month 12,000 bath.
I am have to go visit my cousin and after than I am will be back and start work in next week. I am have to work Bartends for I well know work first.
All my love….THANAWAN
Date: 3/18/2000 4:12:04 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (aptravel)
How are you ? for me is not so good ,Thank you very much for you don’t forget me
I thinkig all the time that only that thinkig of you and love you. Thank you again for send e-mail to me Yes you know that when you live form here am like craza becouse I don’t want to see the day you lieving you go to Bangkok on 24 Mar and what time you will arrive in Bangkok , I need you to come to pick me up in Krabi I hope you can come to see me here, if you can’t come here so could you please let me know by telephone now is 01- 6074449 of Pee Phon phone , becouse I don’t have so much money , now you stay with Andwey
I miss you and love you so much