Lemon Chicken

This simple recipe is the perfect answer to the age-old question “What’s for dinner?” Unfortunately, what you really need is an answer to the question “Why does every man eventually leave you?” But let’s deal with dinner first! For best results, use fresh-picked-earlier-that-day-by-workers-not-being-exploited lemons from Venezuela. If this is impossible, then skip the lemon part altogether. If feeling guilty about wasting animals again, simply use the entire chicken, and not just the fashionable “breast” portion. Summer lemon neck never tasted so good! Chicken is also best if organic and fresh that day, from Venezuela. If this is impossible, better just to ask your boyfrie—better just to order Chinese and enjoy a quiet night hiding under the comforter. Easy!

Spicy Veggie Stir-Fry

If you’re a vegetarian, then this is the dish for you. If you’re not a vegetarian, then maybe you should consider becoming one. Could you be scaring away men with the amount of meat you eat? Veggie stir-fry is a fuss-free way to make sure you’re getting your 5 to 17 recommended servings of vegetables a day. (Sound overwhelming? Eating lots of vegetables is much easier when working as a team. Try creating a sensible meal plan with your husban—Try liquefying your vegetables and pouring them in the humidifier. Presto!) Don’t have a wok? Just eat three big bags of baby carrots and a can of okra. Recent studies have shown that okra is likely to reduce the chances of breast cancer, HPV, and pregnancy.* So eat up!

*Not having a male companion will also reduce the chance of pregnancy.

Veal Cutlet

Sure to please any crowd, or—in the event that you have no crowd to please—you. Breaded veal is a delicious, timeless, mouthwatering entrée. Of course, it is really unhealthy to have breaded anything! In order not to feel horrible about yourself for the remainder of the evening, grill, steam, or simply don’t eat the veal. Now, certain eaters can always be relied upon to argue that the concept of veal is cruel and that no baby cow should be subjected to such inhumane treatment (even though we are talking about cows here, folks). These people should calm down and live a little. Cows are hilarious, and veal is delicious! Bon appétit!

Fried Beef Ravioli, Cajun French Fries,
and Four-Cheese Lasagna

Wouldn’t that be delicious? Too bad God had to go and invent upper-thigh fat.

Caribbean Pork and Couscous Salad

This spirited summer meal will add that extra spring to your step. First, put the pork cubes and the Caribbean rub inside a plastic bag and shake well. Next, skewer the pork and grill over a medium-hot fire for eight minutes. Do not overcook. Overcooking the pork cubes will cause irreversible damage, destroying the meal beyond repair. Why can’t you do anything right? Not overcooking the pork cannot be emphasized enough. If you overcook the pork, you will dry out all of the juices and the cellulite on your stomach will automatically become more pronounced. If you think you are on the verge of overcooking the pork cubes, remove the pork from the fire immediately and take a minute to re-evaluate. Does your life have an actual purpose? Better to err on the side of not-cooked-enough** rather than overcooked.

**In order to avoid any number of life-threatening bacterial diseases that will cause you to die alone, be sure to cook meat thoroughly.

Linguine With Shrimp Scampi

A nice, light, healthful summer treat. If done correctly, this yummy dish can be prepared in minutes! If done incorrectly, this dish can single-handedly ruin your entire evening by creating sickening levels of frustration, inescapable feelings of incompetence/helplessness/loneliness, and burnt scampi. Great with a side of field greens!

Chicken Soup

Often considered a cure for the winter blahs, this meal works for the summer blahs as well. Haven’t experienced the summer blahs yet? Oh. Who are you taking to Donovan and Shelly’s wedding next month? Who did you dance with at Stuart and Brooke’s last weekend? What exactly is the point of moving from your studio apartment into a one-bedroom? There we go. Chicken soup!

Four Large Bottles of Evian Water

Actually, this is probably all you really need tonight.