Thanks so much for sending me your script. There’s tons of great stuff in here, but I think it’d be a lot stronger if you kept in mind the utter meaninglessness of human existence.
I loved all the action sequences. Jimmy and his crew of bank robbers are a lot of fun, but some of their decisions confused me. For instance, when they take the security guard hostage, why does anyone care? At some point in time, the security guard will eventually die. Whether it happens in the moment or years from now, the morbid outcome is immutable. The reaper’s scythe cannot be outrun!
But I loved the moment when he slipped on the banana peel—hilarious!
I did have trouble following when Jimmy’s mom tells him that everyone has a purpose in life. As we all know, the human species came into being due to a random set of atmospheric conditions. Any attempt to decipher meaning from this is pure egotistical delusion. Furthermore, how can his mom even be giving him advice when all knowledge is an illusion meant to give us a false sense of mastery over the world? Just something to consider.
I loved when she slipped on the banana peel, though. I was cracking up.
I was also a little baffled by the conclusion when Jimmy steals the money from the crooked cop and builds Sophie the cottage in the woods he always promised her. This implies some kind of happy ending, whereas the only thing that awaits them in reality is the inevitable decay of their mortal bodies. Maybe you could insert a title card before the credits to clear that up?
That also ties into my biggest note on your script: Why do the characters do anything at all?
I’m sure you get this note a lot, but all actions are futile when one realizes the specter of inevitable death looms over them. There is nothing to do but despair. Anytime a character spoke or expressed themselves, I thought, Who cares? The sun will burn out eventually and end this idiotic charade we call civilization.
Also, it may help to add another banana peel slip or two. Frankly, I can’t get enough of that.
If you’re looking for inspiration as you rewrite, there are plenty of German expressionist films I could recommend. They are equal parts dense and indecipherable. Or, alternatively, a walk through a cemetery might do the trick. Just remember that, like your characters, everyone buried there had hopes and dreams that were one by one swept into the uncaring sands of time.
I hope these notes are helpful. While it doesn’t really matter in an indifferent universe, feel free to let me know if you have any questions about my feedback.
I’ll also send you my screenplay when I complete a draft—without giving too much away, let’s just say there is a lot of ennui.