Writing can be hard. With its eyeball-arresting notifications and unlimited access to fake nudes of Eugene Levy, writing on a computer can be impossible. How many times have you opened a document, stared at the blank page, opened Google, typed in “Facebook,” gone to Facebook, immediately closed out of the tab, picked up your phone, opened the Facebook app, and searched for “productivity accountability groups”?

This destructive cycle is why we created the Procrastination Eliminating Nib, or PEN, a single-function technology that revolutionizes the writing experience.

Say goodbye to distractions when you pick up the PEN. You can’t open Facebook. You can’t open Google. And the only way to get a fake nude of Eugene Levy is to draw it yourself. All the PEN does is make lines on a companion tablet, the Perfected Analog Preliminary Exhibitor Readout (PAPER).

When you touch the PAPER with your PEN, the digital nib transmits a signal to the digital ink readout, which appears on the tablet as a dark mark. Make three of these dark marks and guess what you’ve got? That’s right, the letter “A.” Without Minesweeper or Grindr or the Wikipedia page for hippopotamuses, you’ll be liberated to create anything you want, from a doodle of a blank piece of paper to a sensual limerick. Plus, our spreadable analog eInk is easy on the eyes!

The PEN and PAPER are available as an attractive duo for only $1,099. The PEN comes in black and navy, while the PAPER can be purchased in either off-white or kittens. For more control over the creative process, you can add our popular Extra-Responsive Assistive Stenography Electronic Redactor accessory, or ERASER, which allows you to make changes as you work, like finding a better rhyme for “thick eyebrows than rip my blouse.”

When you’re done using the PEN and PAPER, just hit the “OUTPUT” button. Your writing files will be transmitted to our digital team in the Philippines, who will copy your work onto 8.5" by 11" flimsies pressed from sustainable organic bamboo pulp and ship it back to you. After making any changes you want, scan the pages with our Presentation-Ready iNotation Targeting (PRiNT) app, and we’ll have someone on our celebrity impressions team call you and read your writing back to you so that you can easily transcribe it into your favorite word processing software.

Hasta la vista, writer’s block! Writing has never been easier.

PEN… the world is at your nib.