Ray Advises Napoleon at Waterloo

NAPOLEON: Voila! Wellington’s center is exposed. I shall commit my Imperial Guard to the fray and victory, she is mine. A brilliant stroke, no, Monsieur Donovan?

RAY: Nah.


RAY: Bad call. I’ll take care of it. (He walks toward the battle.)

NAPOLEON: Where you are going?

RAY: (not even turning around) Get my brother. Tell him I need a gun. (He disappears into the smoke.)

Ray Faces an Impasse at the Constitutional Convention

ALEXANDER HAMILTON OF NEW YORK: Sirs, I tell you this nation cannot endure half slave and half free.

JAMES MADISON OF VIRGINIA: I say we can resolve our differences only by compromise. I offer a plan, which I have outlined in detail. May the clerk please distribute these copies.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Mr. Donovan of Boston, Los Angeles, and New York, what say ye to the gentleman’s proposal?

Ray shrugs wearily.

WASHINGTON: Could you be more explicit, sir?

RAY: Hold on, I gotta take this. (Puts cell phone to his ear.) Yeah. Yeah? Where are you? OK, don’t move. (Heads for exit.) My daughter’s been kidnapped by Barbary pirates. Back in an hour.

Ray Helps Noah Load the Ark

NOAH: (on the phone) Hello, Ray?

RAY: I told you don’t bother me again, Noah.

NOAH: Please, Ray. You must help me. I have found no kinkajous and I’m on deadline. The cursed rains begin tomorrow.

RAY: I got your ibex, Noah. I got your fuckin’ hairy-nosed wombat. Fuck off.

NOAH: (sighs) How about three million shekels plus I tell the Lord not to rain upon you and your kin?

RAY: I’m on my way. Get my assistant, you know, the depressed lesbian, and tell her I need a tranquilizer dart.

Ray Aids a Great Artist

VINCENT VAN GOGH: Ray, you look terrible.

RAY: Nah. I’m good.

VINCENT: But you have a huge bullet wound in your groin.

RAY: It’s nothing. Where’s your ear?

VINCENT: It’s gone, Ray. I was in such despair, I could not cope. I have no money, no friends, no lovers…

RAY: There it is, under the bureau. C’mon, pick it up. I know a guy, he’ll staple it back on.

VINCENT: They can do that?

RAY: Sure. What’s that? (Points at painting)

VINCENT: I call it Wheatfield With Crows. No one wants it, Ray. But I know it is good!

RAY: Yeah?

VINCENT: Where are you taking it?

RAY: I know another guy, rich, loves crows. He’ll pay a million six.

VINCENT: How can I thank you, Ray? You are my only…

RAY: Lock the door when I leave. Let no one in. Don’t touch anything. If I’m not back in an hour, move to Tahiti with Gauguin.

Ray Helps Discover the South Pole

ROALD AMUNDSEN: Mr. Donovan, the South Pole is nowhere in sight and the men are freezing. Without food and shelter, we must soon die.

RAY: It’ll be OK.

AMUNDSEN: It will not be “OK,” Mr. Donovan. This monster blizzard has besieged us for 72 hours and I now believe we have been walking in a circle.

RAY: I know.

AMUNDSEN: Could you be a little more communicative, sir? These two and three-word responses grow maddening.

RAY: Sure.

AMUNDSEN: Why did I even hire you as navigator? Much of the time you are not even here. It’s Antarctica — where the devil do you go, anyway?

RAY: Hold on; gotta take this. (Pulls out phone.) What’s up, Bunchie? Yeah? Yeah. OK, be there in an hour. (Puts phone away.) Gotta go. My father and three brothers got busted for homicide and tax evasion. (He trudges off into the blinding whiteness.)

AMUNDSEN: Good Lord. This is ridiculous.

RAY: (calling over his shoulder) No worries. Back tomorrow. Want coffee?