[Originally published June 6, 2014.]
Hello Staff -
This is just a friendly reminder regarding the complimentary box of donuts that is provided in the break room each morning. For the past several months we have ordered exactly eighteen donuts per day, ensuring that all eighteen of our employees receive exactly one donut apiece. To reiterate: the amount of donuts in the box will always be equal to the number of people currently working in the office. However, we are considering some restructuring of our snack budget, and consequently we would ask that you take a moment to familiarize yourself with some new donut-related measures that are being put into effect.
Beginning next month, the number of donuts in the box every morning will go from eighteen to sixteen. Unfortunately, in this fast-moving, ever-changing economy, certain donuts have been deemed irrelevant and no longer have a place in this donut box.
Two weeks later, we will go from sixteen to eleven donuts. This is purely due to financial realities—the positions that these donuts held in the box are being merged with other preexisting positions to create a tastier, more efficient donut.
The following week, we will be eliminating nine more donuts. These donuts have always been soggy, bland and subpar, frequently found slacking off instead of performing their duties (that of tasting delicious). We at management have realized that we need to trim a little “fat” from our “diet”—eliminate some “dead weight” from the break room table, if you will—and unfortunately, these nine donuts were just not up to scratch.
The week after that, we will be eliminating Craig’s donut from the box. We haven’t technically had any problems with Craig’s donut, but we just think it’s a creepy donut and we don’t really want it around the office anymore—so we’re going to frame the donut for accounting fraud and then ceremonially throw it in the trash.
We are still reviewing options for what to do to replace the missing donuts so that our break room remains at full efficiency. At first we were considering
child labor getting a box of donut holes, but are now leaning towards outsourcing all of your jobs replacing the donuts with samosas. We wish the very best to all the abandoned donuts and we hope that they find some satisfaction being eaten by seagulls at the garbage dump, where they belong. Thanks for your time and attention to this matter.