The US Department of Education (ED) will soon transfer the customer service of your federal loan account to Satan, a member of ED’s federal loan servicer team. You might have some initial questions about this transition, and we’re here to help.

Do I need to create a new account?

Because we will no longer be servicing your loans, you will need a new account with Satan. He will email you a link that lands in the cosmic black hole that is your spam folder. Stay vigilant—the unique link expires in ten minutes. Note that your account’s password requires a minimum of five capital letters, eight numbers, a slant rhyme, an underscore, one hyphen, three homonyms, an umlaut, and a palindrome. It must be at least sixty-seven characters long.

Will the terms of my loan change?
I’m concerned about interest.

You should be. Interest accrues every day. No, sorry. Interest accrues every hour. Oh, my bad, I’ve just been informed that interest accrues every minute. Interest accrues every time you take a breath. If you could slow down your breathing, it would benefit you. Or just stop breathing altogether. Satan would honestly prefer that.

Don’t fret about ceasing to exist, though. Someone will pay back these loans. Satan will go to your next of kin. He will go to your parents or your spouse. The Devil will find your sibling, your cousin, your Uncle Jim or Aunt Kathy. He will seek out the last grocery store cashier with whom you awkwardly interacted. He will track down the seventh-grade boyfriend you made out with during an afternoon showing of Bridge to Terabithia and haven’t spoken to since. No one is safe.

What is the late payment policy?

If you’re not early, you’re late. When Satan does not receive funds by the due date, you’re charged double the following month. It’s kind of like Moore’s Law. Cool, right?

If you want to avoid late payments, give Satan your routing number. Tell him your high school mascot, the name of your first hamster, and the number of the hospital room in which you were born. Satan’s team is trustworthy and will not provide your information to outside parties (except the companies that are actually fronts for the Devil’s work, which are more than you know).

What if I don’t want Satan to be my new servicer?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh my god, you’re hilarious.

No, I’m serious. Do I have other options?

Oh, no. It’s insulting you would even ask. If you’re not happy, you could attempt to make a deal with him. But as your former servicer, we are not responsible for whatever may come from that kind of deal. We’ve heard some real horror stories.

When will my new servicer reach out?

Your new servicer is actually calling, texting, and emailing you right now! They will call and leave a voicemail. Then they will text to make sure you got the message. They will email to make sure you got the text. Then they will call to follow up on the email. It’s a never-ending cycle some borrowers lovingly refer to as “hell.” No worries. You’re in good company. Everyone is in hell. Hell is trending.

After a few months, Satan will ask for a review. Be gentle and consider giving five stars. It’s not easy doing the Devil’s work. Thank you, and sayonara sucker!